on some deleted poem
28 Jun 2005, 10:28 AM
Good arch of life poem. "Coaling" I don't think is right. Maybe he worked in a coal mine. Is that why his face was black? I like CS Lewis.
on The blue rose by Mona Lisa
28 Jun 2005, 10:33 AM
Perhaps a prose poem, but not even that. It's a short story, and not a bad one.
on fireflies die too by hendrimike
28 Jun 2005, 10:42 AM
I like the flow and feel of this, but it has glitches and cliches, like "jubilent joy" and "what the world learned."
on We Have Never Spoken by fevriere
27 Jun 2005, 12:54 PM
I seems you're describing old age, not in years, but attitude. Then I come the lead piping and don't see how that relates. I like verse 2. Then in verse 3, the lesson seems forgotten. I think it's a glimps that might stick with the two youngun's
on The Intellect Repeats by Blue Magpie
27 Jun 2005, 12:58 PM
It's hard to do a treatise in a villanelle. Stories work better. Here, I think that for the sake of form, you have diminished the value of intellect way too much.
on some deleted poem
27 Jun 2005, 1:03 PM
This is completely silly. Its the kind of Dutch thinking that must have traded Amsterdam for New York, all for the love of tulips.
on WHAT KIND OF FOOL ARE YOU? by Joshua_Tree
28 Jun 2005, 10:17 AM
Provoking, and therefore good. I think the fools in Verse 3 are most to be pitied. The last line of verse 1 seems like it should say something like "Then finding . . ." Verse 4, line 2 seems wrong or unnecessary.
on RAGGED TIME MELODY by Joshua_Tree
28 Jun 2005, 10:22 AM
A song with bad words, tune, and beat is a bad song. Let's hope you're singing a good song about a bad song.
on The Edge Of The World by kingfisher
27 Jun 2005, 1:14 PM
I can see the picture, "the end of the globe," but could have seen it more clearly and forcefully with fewer words. "numinous sight to be seen," for example, could be "numinous sight." and "to disappear into oblivion" is the same as to disappear. "Seemed" is misspelled. Metanoia? The ending could be made better, I think, that is if I see what you mean.
on To Whom I Have Not Long Written by MacFrantic
27 Jun 2005, 9:12 PM
The opening line is off-putting because of the obvious answer.
on Try Thinking Too by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk
30 Jun 2005, 8:00 AM
So she has a glossy coat of passion covering mangy skin of unintelligence. Sounds like a passionate way of saying it.
on Uncorked by impert&ent
30 Jun 2005, 3:59 PM
Go home alone? The ending is weak if all you mean is that you unscrewed a bottle cap.
on some deleted poem
30 Jun 2005, 8:10 AM
A good showing of the importance of moments, a second that counts more than a year.
on Uncorked by impert&ent
2 Jul 2005, 6:18 AM
You have totally changed the poem and called it an edit. I think it's better to post a new poem.
Anyway, this depends on a reader's knowledge of allusions. Maybe it means something to someone else.
Anyway, this depends on a reader's knowledge of allusions. Maybe it means something to someone else.
on What's my favorite scar. by darby pyn
2 Jul 2005, 6:25 AM
I'd like it better with good punctuation and complete sentences and line breaks at meaningful locations. As is, you can know if a man's a guitar player by feeling the tips of his fingers on the left hand. And I can see from the last lines you're angry. But I think it would be stronger with fewer words.
on My Little Africa (edit) by Nuit
1 Jul 2005, 4:05 PM
illution - us a spell checker.
I think the voice of the first verse could be carried through to greater effect. Toward the end it get whiney and loses impact.
I think the voice of the first verse could be carried through to greater effect. Toward the end it get whiney and loses impact.
on it's okay to cry, idiot by calliope
1 Jul 2005, 4:08 PM
"idiot" in the title detracts. Line 2 could be left out without loss.
on Crack baby by Caducus
4 Jul 2005, 10:42 AM
I often wish to write as metaphoric and imaginative as you, and often wish you would do it less for clarity's sake. Here I think you have a pretty good balance. But shouldn't it be "disconnected from skin by scissors"?
The first three verses are good, but the last leaves some untapped drama or its clouded in image. It seems the last line could come up so it applies to Mummy and end with the zip code of granite.
The first three verses are good, but the last leaves some untapped drama or its clouded in image. It seems the last line could come up so it applies to Mummy and end with the zip code of granite.
softer than a night in Wales on the Irish Sea."
The good stuff of love poems. If only the rest matched it.