on Ambition by Billy Fights
7 Apr 2005, 12:40 PM
No very well put together, not clear, chiches, and the repetition doesn't help.
on Plato by not_a_philosopher
28 Mar 2005, 7:13 AM
Plato has some very worthwhile things to say. Try reading him when you're older.
on some deleted poem
28 Mar 2005, 11:12 AM
Funny story. The last verse, however, ceases to be story, and is properly categorized as âTellingâ for which you must be chastised.
on How to treat young ladies by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
29 Mar 2005, 10:55 AM
Your title is a misleading welcome mat to young men wishing to learn the gentlemanly arts. Instead of the promised guidance, you relate vile acts of uncouth pseudo-gentlemen, lending no redeeming importance to the telling, such as recommending their castration. May I suggest a rewrite along the lines of flowers, opened doors, candles, and soft, respectful words.
on id by FreeFormFixation
28 Mar 2005, 4:59 PM
You've got a good idea for a poem here, but it appears following too closely to the truth of the event. To tell the truth, you have to lie sometimes. To relate a thing, you have to change it.
on Spanish Woman by James Rykelangeli
2 Apr 2005, 8:18 AM
How about: past the world, and whispers,
on Poem on a face by INTRANSIT
4 Apr 2005, 8:30 AM
A nice mix of physical and verbal ugliness. It seems the last line might keep some of that.
on The Invitation by Billy Fights
4 Apr 2005, 8:43 AM
If only she'd read it, she's swoon.
on Three words and thirty coins by Caducus
5 Apr 2005, 11:30 AM
This is all very confusing.
on some deleted poem
6 Apr 2005, 8:49 AM
The one still alive when the last arguement is posted wins.
on Celestial Veil by Hadasl
6 Apr 2005, 8:53 AM
The rebuttal has usually been, âThatâs why He made humans.â
on Golden Sands by Hadasl
6 Apr 2005, 8:58 AM
Too etherial, I think, to make the jump from earthly sand to heavenly sand without some transition. Nice thought though.
on Arab Shepherd (a belief poem for Dovina) by zodiac
6 Apr 2005, 9:21 AM
I donât know why you add to a good title, the phrase, âa belief poem for Dovinaâ unless your firmly standing shepherd reminds you of firm belief, and I either do not, or do, or also write about belief. In any case, it flows well, but I think you sacrifice too much clarity for form. Introducing the old English ââtwasâ so late in the poem, for example, and not using old English again, shows a strong desire to maintain meter. And that whole sentence is cumbersome. Shouldnât âloveâ be âLove,â as a name?
on No Worries by Dovina
7 Apr 2005, 12:20 PM
May I suggest that this page has become tangled with long threads entwining of comments. If anyone wishes to continue any of these discussions, perhaps they should do so on one my other poems.
on Front Range Toll Road by sliver
7 Apr 2005, 12:26 PM
You are at your best when you do the buffalo and asphalt. When you do the political "without delay" just to rhyme with "play," well, stick with the buffalo.
on ceiling by not_a_philosopher
7 Apr 2005, 12:29 PM
The last verse doesn't fit - it would have to deal with shame to fit. then -> than.
on March by the_poetess
7 Apr 2005, 12:31 PM
Nobodies are sad. You probably didn't mean that, but it's good.
on famous by crooked_smile
7 Apr 2005, 12:33 PM
and a hell of a time trying to decipher your words. You have too many of them here and no very well put together.
on some deleted poem
7 Apr 2005, 12:37 PM
You've got some good thoughts here and a few good lines:
"Seeing memories of sight"
"For the fear it redeems"
Wish it were all that good.
"Seeing memories of sight"
"For the fear it redeems"
Wish it were all that good.