In the place I used to work we built spirals into the plans - those transitions to real curves wherein the wheel can easily adjust by a half-stoned arm, and after several such easings, drivers become chicaned to expect them. Just thought you'd like to know who to blame and how ironic the victory.
replying on The tender side. by darby pyn
20 Jun 2005, 12:42 PM
OK, I'll try again, but you're dealing with a hard-nosed realist. (Glad you liked Unclean.) The first sentence is so difficult that you might want to put it later in the poem. Try starting with the third and fourth sentences because they flow well and give clues to your theme. The idea of channeling, balanced with ghost is good. The plagiarism phrase is grating and confusing.
on Being Alone by Sunshine Conkey
20 Jun 2005, 12:10 PM
It would be better without the first verse.
replying on Father’s Day by Dovina
20 Jun 2005, 12:02 PM
Agreed. But I think that in poetry it's better to show the thing with a story or a description, such as I tried to do in describing this man.
replying on Eulogy for a Poet by Dovina
20 Jun 2005, 11:43 AM
I tend to agree that a poem that is well received at a coffee shop reading is not usually a good poem on close examination. There are performance poems and there are contempation poems. On rare occasion a poem is both.
replying on Father’s Day by Dovina
20 Jun 2005, 11:39 AM
Wouldn't that make it even more didactic?
replying on Father’s Day by Dovina
20 Jun 2005, 11:38 AM
I have been around enough bitter old men to believe that the condition is not a small minority. It's a major concern, or should be, for all men as they age, and women too. The point of this poem is to arouse awareness, so that any aging man who observes himself becoming bitter, can realize that he is falling into a trap, and that he has options.
on The tender side. by darby pyn
19 Jun 2005, 9:15 PM
Doesn't make sense.
on The And women by INTRANSIT
19 Jun 2005, 9:13 PM
Oh, but we are meant to be understood in our subtitles of language as we drag accross your eyes with pearls meant only to adorn.
replying on This or That by sacred_poet_me
19 Jun 2005, 8:59 PM
No, he would for 100 years, but she always kicks him out.
replying on Diary of sorrow.... by dantron
19 Jun 2005, 8:54 PM
Too generous on his, about right on yours.
replying on Father’s Day by Dovina
19 Jun 2005, 8:51 PM
I doubt that, really. Head-in-sand is not your style. Or maybe you disagree with it.
replying on Father’s Day by Dovina
19 Jun 2005, 7:36 PM
I think "worrying about dying" is often at the core of the trap, and synicism is often its symptom.
replying on Father’s Day by Dovina
19 Jun 2005, 7:24 PM
I think it's a tendency for men and women to get cynical and bitter as they age. I think it's an avoidable trap, and avoiding it leads to a happier old age.
replying on Father’s Day by Dovina
19 Jun 2005, 7:22 PM
You are right in saying that many old men do not meet this stereotype. Many avoid the trap of becoming bitter and critical as they age.
on Nonsense POEM #14687 by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk
19 Jun 2005, 7:19 PM
As written, it's more story than poem.
on All in Love by gothiclovepoetiss
19 Jun 2005, 7:16 PM
Not a limerick.
on White Stork by Blue Magpie
19 Jun 2005, 7:11 PM
Storks are elegant birds, and lore's attached significance makes them seem more elegant; but your point gets lost in the form and even reduces them to "simple" bird.
Don't avoid it. Look at it.
No thanks needed. See my secretary on your way out.