replying on Goodbye by Dovina
10 Feb 2005, 1:14 PM
Oh, I can fight! What, your father can't? Math teacher, huh?
on A Metahaiku by dbond
10 Feb 2005, 8:06 AM
What's kigo?
on Beating heart by celticskatermatt1
10 Feb 2005, 8:04 AM
Good up through line 3, except for spelling. After that it gets trite.
on The Sleep Fantastic by nentwined
10 Feb 2005, 7:56 AM
You're being imbic with a myth-like tale. But in a few places you sacrifice clarity for it. In Line 6, I thought "was" is distracting. And if being imbic is important, then why the lapse in Veres 3. Line 3? Like it.
replying on Suicide..... by *.*ReAdY To SnAp*.*
9 Feb 2005, 3:30 PM
I did, and you deleted it. That's no way to drum up business.
on Epitaph of Innocence by woodstock20000
9 Feb 2005, 2:11 PM
Nonsense! The world is not lost as you say. 0 for content, 5 for poetic form.
on Wedding Poem by al-naafiysh
9 Feb 2005, 2:01 PM
Why do you say, "My goal is . . ." in verse 4, giving a way out, when you don't in the others?
"perfect union" is impossible and weakens the aparently possible committments.
"them" in the last verse is a bit nebulous, and I wonder why you even include this verse.
replying on A Thing I Must Do by Dovina
9 Feb 2005, 7:59 AM
No!
replying on Separation by Dovina
9 Feb 2005, 7:57 AM
I made no Bible quotes, only allusions, thus they are not in quotes. You missed completely that this is a story, not a didactic presentation of grand statements. I accept criticism when itâs honest and apt, but this is neither.
replying on Separation by Dovina
8 Feb 2005, 6:28 PM
Yeah I think it takes that to really understand what I'm saying. But anyone could at least read the poem and take what he can from it. It's too bad that just because a person is from some other upringing, he takes it upon himself to downput everyone who had it poured into them from childhood and who know a lot of the Scripture from memory.
replying on Separation by Dovina
8 Feb 2005, 3:20 PM
Thank you for your prejudice. Itâs so good to know forehand that anything I say about theology is worthless. You are so very encouraging. Therefore, my saying that the book of Revelation, speaking to the Leodiceans, says, âI know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarmâneither hot nor coldâI am about to spew you out of my mouth,â is misinformed. Also, the metaphor is utterly random and unrelated to the rest of the poem. And of course I am really too uninformed to decide about any hierarchy of religions. Thatâs why I didnât claim any, and only your prejudice claims that I did. Again thank you for your wonderfully enlightening clarification.
on Family Portrait by woodstock20000
8 Feb 2005, 2:25 PM
Very clear and direct. A good picture. I would scratch the last two lines to give the reader more to ponder, less to be told.
replying on Separation by Dovina
8 Feb 2005, 11:53 AM
From someone with an Arab-sounding name, that means something.
replying on Separation by Dovina
8 Feb 2005, 11:50 AM
You are fortunate not to be steeped enough in the Christian sects to get this. Funny, there were no Christian sects when Christ was here, no Buddhist sects when Buddha was here.
replying on Separation by Dovina
8 Feb 2005, 11:50 AM
You know your Bible, as did the girl Iâm writing about. The trouble started when she had only the Bible and the sermons without the caring that the Bible talks about.
on Winged Victory by REWellman
8 Feb 2005, 7:21 AM
From some story about an angel on a rock that I don't know. How we try to keep our stories in stone.
on Sins of your father by poodietat
7 Feb 2005, 1:45 PM
Almost too direct and pointed to be called a poem. Still, you got the point accross loudly. Not bad.
on Lust, and the Sad Soul by woodstock20000
7 Feb 2005, 1:31 PM
Verse 2 is good because it first presumes an imortal soul, then with the word "would" casts doubt.
Verse 3 is weak, for the cliche "to and fro," and for its bland wording.
Verse 3 is weak, for the cliche "to and fro," and for its bland wording.