on Piercings by PsydewaysTears
14 Feb 2005, 3:34 PM
Forced rhymes: sneese-please, three-be
on Children in the Storm by thepinkbunnyofdoom
14 Feb 2005, 3:31 PM
Second to last verse is very nice.
window sill
Stop scaring me
wherever
window sill
Stop scaring me
wherever
on Poem Written on a Ketchup Stained Paper Plate by woodstock20000
14 Feb 2005, 3:23 PM
Get a title and go with it - not bad.
on Insanity by Lifeboatman
14 Feb 2005, 3:21 PM
Funny!
on Valentine's Day is Two Days Away and I Don't Feel Loved by MacFrantic
14 Feb 2005, 3:17 PM
"Her charming come-hithers" is good. The rest so-so.
replying on The Man I Love by Dovina
14 Feb 2005, 3:11 PM
Thanks, jroday, for the âicing.â
replying on The Man I Love by Dovina
14 Feb 2005, 3:07 PM
Oh, but I do!
replying on Prayer of Forgiveness by Dovina
13 Feb 2005, 7:30 AM
Oh, whatâs that thing from churchâ¦about âForgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us?â Well, I feel rather sinned against, what with all the dyinâ and killinâ and nobody who could stop it, stoppinâ it. Iâm Just tryinâ to forgive that person, thatâs all. I donât expect many folks to see it that way, especially those like you who donât pay much attention to church. Itâs just the way I feel about it. Of course there are those who think that because I feel a certain way about something that Iâm being arrogant and abrasive as if I wanted everybody to think as I do. But I donât because then theyâd be as messed-up as I am, and besides, what fun is it to have everybody agree with me, nobody to argue with, nobody to tell me Iâm arrogant, illogical and didactic? I got much love ya, too. Not because I agree with ya, or you with me very often though. And I like your 6 better than if it were a 10. Itâs just because talkinâ works with some folks, and with others itâs a waste of time.
on Kiss of a rose by backstreetdreamer
12 Feb 2005, 8:06 AM
A lot of vague attempts at imagery here that are not developed. Some seem there only for rhyme and rhythm. The cadance is good, but I miss finding any strong point to it all.
A tender expression of love. The king James English is a nice touch, but several places, I believe the grammar is wrong.
Line 1 - "doth" is spelled "doeth", but should be "do" in the plural, or just leave it out. Other lines similar.
"shalt" should be "shall" after an I.
"surely thou doth knowest" -> surely thou knowest
"inspiring my soul to happily moan" - good line.
Line 1 - "doth" is spelled "doeth", but should be "do" in the plural, or just leave it out. Other lines similar.
"shalt" should be "shall" after an I.
"surely thou doth knowest" -> surely thou knowest
"inspiring my soul to happily moan" - good line.
on CUPID by al-naafiysh
11 Feb 2005, 3:12 PM
Aint nothin' so good as luve!
A few too many words, I think. Here's what I'd do:
Line 5 - scratch "One that has"
Line 6 - scratch "being on"
Line 8 - scatch "within" and change "cause" to "'cause"
A few too many words, I think. Here's what I'd do:
Line 5 - scratch "One that has"
Line 6 - scratch "being on"
Line 8 - scatch "within" and change "cause" to "'cause"
replying on Prayer of Forgiveness by Dovina
11 Feb 2005, 2:56 PM
Thanks jroday, you must have picked up on the âofâ in the title, rather than the usual âfor.â
replying on Wedding Poem by al-naafiysh
11 Feb 2005, 12:02 PM
Funny, how seeing it in stereo makes all the difference, like staring at two photos until your eyes finally look far enough into the distance to place them together, and the third dimension (the author) pops out.
replying on Prayer of Forgiveness by Dovina
11 Feb 2005, 11:56 AM
I read your poem and left a comment. Frankly, I would not have known it was about God if you hadn't commented here as you did.
Mine is, as you suspect, a conversation with God, or rather a prayer to God. It's low key in order to keep the tone of ordinary prayer, an understatemint.
Mine is, as you suspect, a conversation with God, or rather a prayer to God. It's low key in order to keep the tone of ordinary prayer, an understatemint.
on An intolerable rash brother by Crakyamuni
11 Feb 2005, 11:50 AM
Do you mean "Cortizone" the drug, which I might have misspelled?
weeped should be "wept" in this context I think.
The soul of satin, a female, who brought home the bacon causes wonderment on whether this is about Jesus, God, or your real brother. "We'll teach you to swallow" is good.
weeped should be "wept" in this context I think.
The soul of satin, a female, who brought home the bacon causes wonderment on whether this is about Jesus, God, or your real brother. "We'll teach you to swallow" is good.