on Untitled by bellafuego
7 Sep 2005, 8:07 PM
A prose poem, I take it? A bit too prosy, even for that.
on My Dad's Armchair. by Bethy
7 Sep 2005, 8:03 PM
Hmm. Get rid of the initial 'Oh'. Fifth stanza, get rid of 'and'. There are a few other rhythmic things I'd think could be changed, but can't think how. The end of each line does not require a punctuation mark.
on some deleted poem
7 Sep 2005, 10:52 AM
Hmm. A bit prosy, but that's all right. But really... "Whose birth obeyed/the lust of him who'd given her his name"? Isn't that stretching a bit far for a rhyme? Especially considering what follows. Want it or not, a lot of people are going to think that Mrs. Ewell regularly had orgasms in church, and it doesn't sound like that sort of church, really.
It rather seems like a good idea forced into the wrong form. Ah well.
It rather seems like a good idea forced into the wrong form. Ah well.
on Cat Poem by MacFrantic
7 Sep 2005, 7:18 PM
Aww. That's lovely. I'd recommend getting rid of the last line, though. It works well with it, but it seems like a touch of gilt to a lily. If you like flowers that way, on the other hand...
on some deleted poem
7 Sep 2005, 7:19 PM
Needs much more clarity.
on this has happened more than a few times by ay deee
7 Sep 2005, 7:21 PM
Here's a hint: stop making eye contact. Everyone you pass probably thinks you odd.
on Letting Go by longships
7 Sep 2005, 7:24 PM
You get a point for using the word 'Façade'. Another for giving it a cedilla. The 'Night of a thousand white eyes' gets you a third.
The rest is dreck. Start from those two things and do it again.
The rest is dreck. Start from those two things and do it again.
on Watch where you're swingin' your dipthong, buddy by INTRANSIT
7 Sep 2005, 7:26 PM
Amusing. From the sheer poetical point of view, a lesser effort than what I've come to expect of you. It balances out.
Heavens. Love/above. How original. Yawn.
Line 12: Put wings in the plural and get rid of 'were'. That helps the rhythm. However, for the sake of rhyme you have put that one line in past tense while the rest of the poem is in the present. It can work, but it seems odd. I'd also suggest changing it to 'down on you and I' throughout, thus adding to the five syllable rhythm threading through this whole thing (5, 8, 10, 11, 15).
Line 12: Put wings in the plural and get rid of 'were'. That helps the rhythm. However, for the sake of rhyme you have put that one line in past tense while the rest of the poem is in the present. It can work, but it seems odd. I'd also suggest changing it to 'down on you and I' throughout, thus adding to the five syllable rhythm threading through this whole thing (5, 8, 10, 11, 15).
on His homage to the sea by Beyond_Dreams
7 Sep 2005, 7:37 PM
Hmm. Needs a rewrite. Sharpen it up.
on ANALYZE THIS by drnick
7 Sep 2005, 7:38 PM
If this had turned out to be an acrostic, it would have been brilliant. As it is...
on Small-town Postal Clerk Considers Inspiration by zodiac
7 Sep 2005, 7:40 PM
I'd prefer it as a prose poem. But that's just me.
on Stop stalking me, eventually by T. Jonathron Remp
7 Sep 2005, 7:41 PM
'Stop kidnapping my pet'... Wonderful. How often has the stalker done so? Does the pet just keep reappearing on the doorstep or something?
on some deleted poem
7 Sep 2005, 7:44 PM
Basic rule: first rhythm, then rhyme. It just works better. To give an example: 'Never forgetting the time you lied' sounds extremely clunky because it's a long line rhyming with something as short as 'To listen when you cried'.
on some deleted poem
7 Sep 2005, 7:48 PM
Sounds a bit too much like a guidance counsellor. Besides that, it's ethically indefensible to vote on one's own poems, especially giving them a ten. But don't feel bad, most people here have done so on occasion...
on some deleted poem
7 Sep 2005, 7:51 PM
The feeble of mind would take 'I'd show you the beauty that I see/Every time you look at me' as a sign of impending narcissism. And from the first two lines, we seem to have to note that it's your fault this person feels so bad.
on some deleted poem
7 Sep 2005, 7:54 PM
About the whole rhyming thing: one's great ambition when it comes to writing poems should not be to end up published by Hallmark.
Also, the fourth line: what exactly do you mean?
Also, the fourth line: what exactly do you mean?