on la petite mort by poetekzen
13 May 2002, 2:07 AM
This made me smile and think of Saturday night. I appreciate the images you use to express intimacy.
on This Is The Sound of My Heart Breaking by Owner of the Sky
10 May 2002, 5:26 AM
Very evocative. I find the last line, and to some extent the penultimate line destroy the mood that the poem has build up. I think it would be better without them.
on Morning Glory by waltfreakinwhitman
6 Feb 2006, 7:32 AM
OK, I admit it. You got me. I laughed out loud.
on Tonight (edit) by drnick
6 Feb 2006, 7:18 AM
I love the ebb and flow of this poem!
'To such an extend thereâs no more left' - should that not be 'extent'? You use 'away' twice ('push you away' and 'stolen away'). I think it would be better to use another word in the second instance.
'To such an extend thereâs no more left' - should that not be 'extent'? You use 'away' twice ('push you away' and 'stolen away'). I think it would be better to use another word in the second instance.
on Hailing Miriam by Ranger
6 Feb 2006, 12:34 PM
Hi Ranger,
I love your poem - it really paints a picture for me. I think it would read easier if you split it into stanzas. The natural points (to my eye) were after With a pale flame and 'Hail Mary'; As the sunset sets a flame on cross /*cross on flame?*/; But Miriam finds herself under streetlights; She thinks it's better with two; Bathed in silk, blessed by musk; Miriam; Hailing Mary.
I also thought that 'As the darkness is failing, wailing' would be better without the 'wailing'. Somehow the line 'She thinks it's better with two' doesn't work for me.
Thanks,
Adriaan
I love your poem - it really paints a picture for me. I think it would read easier if you split it into stanzas. The natural points (to my eye) were after With a pale flame and 'Hail Mary'; As the sunset sets a flame on cross /*cross on flame?*/; But Miriam finds herself under streetlights; She thinks it's better with two; Bathed in silk, blessed by musk; Miriam; Hailing Mary.
I also thought that 'As the darkness is failing, wailing' would be better without the 'wailing'. Somehow the line 'She thinks it's better with two' doesn't work for me.
Thanks,
Adriaan
on Hailing Miriam by Ranger
6 Feb 2006, 12:36 PM
I admit that I had to read the explanation of Lorelei to understand the reference, however once I had done so I understood... she is no longer luring men to their (little?) deaths.
on Rhythm of the rain by sanity
15 Feb 2006, 8:16 AM
Good, but somehow the last stanza breaks it.
on Recognition by nentwined
15 Feb 2006, 8:22 AM
I like it. We need a senryu categoty.