Poemranker [20 most recent comments by Adriaan and replies]

on part by Adriaan 2 Mar 2006, 5:12 AM

Acid drops are an old-fashioned kind of candy.

replying on beauty by Adriaan 28 Feb 2006, 3:26 AM

Thanks for the comment. This poem refers to the foibles of humanity, and thus I have categorised it as a senryu. It is a bit of a borderline case though, and could well be called a haiku.

replying on Recognition by nentwined 27 Feb 2006, 7:22 AM

Thanks for getting Senryu set up as a category. It makes my inner pedant happy!

replying on Recognition by nentwined 15 Feb 2006, 10:54 PM

here goes:

http://raysweb.net/senryu/definitions.html - definitions
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Senryu - definition + examples
http://members.optushome.com.au/kazoom/poetry/senryu.html - examples
http://members.tripod.com/~Startag/HkSenDiff.html - dfifference between Haiku and Senryu

on Recognition by nentwined 15 Feb 2006, 8:22 AM

I like it. We need a senryu categoty.

on Rhythm of the rain by sanity 15 Feb 2006, 8:16 AM

Good, but somehow the last stanza breaks it.

replying on change (3rd draft) by Adriaan 15 Feb 2006, 8:05 AM

I agree. I am not entirely happy with the second line, in particular the word 'but'.

replying on change (3rd draft) by Adriaan 15 Feb 2006, 8:03 AM

Thanks for the comparison :) I am still leery of the word 'but' - it seems that I could use the sylabble to better effect. Any thoughts?

replying on change (3rd draft) by Adriaan 15 Feb 2006, 1:06 AM

Thanks for your comment... it was meant to be 3-5-3 haiku. There is a debate in the haiku world about 5-7-5 (true to the sylabic count of Japanses haiku) vs. 3-5-3 (supposedly truer to the informational content of Japanese haiku). I thought I'd try the more restrictive form. Please comment on the change - I added an adjective :)

replying on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan 7 Feb 2006, 12:03 AM

or perhaps a senryu?

replying on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan 7 Feb 2006, 12:03 AM

I do pronounce it as 'ripp/ling' - the wonders of a South African accent :) I originally used 'ripple' in this version, but I felt that it was a bit stilted. What's you opinion?

on Hailing Miriam by Ranger 6 Feb 2006, 12:36 PM

I admit that I had to read the explanation of Lorelei to understand the reference, however once I had done so I understood... she is no longer luring men to their (little?) deaths.

on Hailing Miriam by Ranger 6 Feb 2006, 12:34 PM

Hi Ranger,

I love your poem - it really paints a picture for me. I think it would read easier if you split it into stanzas. The natural points (to my eye) were after With a pale flame and 'Hail Mary'; As the sunset sets a flame on cross /*cross on flame?*/; But Miriam finds herself under streetlights; She thinks it's better with two; Bathed in silk, blessed by musk; Miriam; Hailing Mary.

I also thought that 'As the darkness is failing, wailing' would be better without the 'wailing'. Somehow the line 'She thinks it's better with two' doesn't work for me.

Thanks,

Adriaan

replying on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan 6 Feb 2006, 9:26 AM

Does similie count for anything? I've changed the opening line to a metaphor - please comment.

replying on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan 6 Feb 2006, 9:18 AM

Thanks. Please see the revised version and comment.

on Morning Glory by waltfreakinwhitman 6 Feb 2006, 7:32 AM

OK, I admit it. You got me. I laughed out loud.

on Tonight (edit) by drnick 6 Feb 2006, 7:18 AM

I love the ebb and flow of this poem!

'To such an extend thereâs no more left' - should that not be 'extent'? You use 'away' twice ('push you away' and 'stolen away'). I think it would be better to use another word in the second instance.

replying on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan 6 Feb 2006, 7:13 AM

"We are like" - this is the part that says something interesting. Just as the goldfish do not see the origin of the raindrop, so we do not see the origin of events, only the ripples that they cause.

replying on stamp by Adriaan 18 Mar 2005, 4:47 AM

Thanks for your comment. My intent was to convey the sense of numb loss that I was feeling when I wrote this, hence the somewhat flat last line. The experience was like a pulled tooth, where the pain of the extraction is a memory, but it still feels wrong when your tounge flicks past the gap.

on la petite mort by poetekzen 13 May 2002, 2:07 AM

This made me smile and think of Saturday night. I appreciate the images you use to express intimacy.