First two lines don't make sense to me (Please explain) and you carry the metaphor for 3 verses and then abandon it for something completely different.
Should you lose the last line of S4? -Yes and also all of S4 and S5. Save most of S4 though for another poem. There's some good stuff in it. When every line in the first 3 stanzas are the same metaphor your kinda stuck with it and you got to stay with it.
Did you mean "Seppuku"?
Some real good lines in it though.
Should you lose the last line of S4? -Yes and also all of S4 and S5. Save most of S4 though for another poem. There's some good stuff in it. When every line in the first 3 stanzas are the same metaphor your kinda stuck with it and you got to stay with it.
Did you mean "Seppuku"?
Some real good lines in it though.
on Was Everyone Put On This Earth For A Reason by cabot
14 Oct 2005, 5:49 AM
We were put here to make plastic. Now that that's been done the earth has decided to exterminate us via tsunami, hurricanes and the bird flu.
on Creatures That Crawl To Me by D P Robertson
14 Oct 2005, 5:40 AM
See I thought the DP stood for Double Penetration.
on Being The Best by cabot
13 Oct 2005, 4:30 PM
Study meter in poetry and then edit.
Thank'ya young'un.
If an 8 is "awsome" then a 10 for you must be downright orgasmic.
Sadly I've never read a poem that's done the latter for me yet.
By the way I looked up your spelling of "awsome" and it's actually excepted as a word. Ironically "thank'ya" is not.
If an 8 is "awsome" then a 10 for you must be downright orgasmic.
Sadly I've never read a poem that's done the latter for me yet.
By the way I looked up your spelling of "awsome" and it's actually excepted as a word. Ironically "thank'ya" is not.
It still comes off as love between you and something (city or woman or whatever) and the bullet wounds and other more subtle things imply war even if it's some kind of metaphor. You humanized a city but left pretty much no clue to us geographically challenged that it was a city you were talking to.
Unless different interpretations is what your going for it's not necessarily a good thing.
I still like its melodic qualities.
Unless different interpretations is what your going for it's not necessarily a good thing.
I still like its melodic qualities.
replying on Take heart, you are closer than you know by Bobjim
13 Oct 2005, 3:18 PM
Go to http://www.eliteskills.com/writing_scams
for more info.
It also gives a list of other famous writer scams.
Don't feel bad. I submitted. Hell, it was free and they give you that letter to show off to gullible women who like poets. So far no proof that these women exist though.
My suggestion: Hurry up and delete your poem here and resubmit it sans comments.
for more info.
It also gives a list of other famous writer scams.
Don't feel bad. I submitted. Hell, it was free and they give you that letter to show off to gullible women who like poets. So far no proof that these women exist though.
My suggestion: Hurry up and delete your poem here and resubmit it sans comments.
replying on Take heart, you are closer than you know by Bobjim
13 Oct 2005, 6:16 AM
Not me.
I'm more than happy for you and your Christian poetry publication fans.
No really though who published it?
Trust me I'm not the one you should be readying for but maybe you'll luck out.
I'm more than happy for you and your Christian poetry publication fans.
No really though who published it?
Trust me I'm not the one you should be readying for but maybe you'll luck out.
Originally it was written with a sleep/death comparison. Mega cliche huh? I'm just too damn lazy to change more than two lines at a time I guess. It seems like whenever I start a sonnet I get all preachy in the end. I actually think the Jesus of your dreams idea is a good way to describe your dream self. You may be right though that it seems forced into this poem. Probably because it was.
replying on I don't rhyme enough, eh? by Niphredil
13 Oct 2005, 5:28 AM
No real arguement from me on this one...
Ok. Did you recover from your shock induced heart attack.
I think rap is a little closer to what strait out liturature poetry is than the more music driven forms. So it seems to be the one most commonly agued nowadays. I saw two poets aguing it on CSPAN's Book TV and I thought the same thing. Duh.
The internet has revived poetry as written word somewhat but soon that will fade away also. Like a slow draining of water out of a fish's bowl. Just curious I guess were you guys think poetry is going to go next.
Sorry that's another way over done topic.
Nevermind. Don't mind me I'm a little buzzed on cough syrup right now. I appologize again profusely.
Ok. Did you recover from your shock induced heart attack.
I think rap is a little closer to what strait out liturature poetry is than the more music driven forms. So it seems to be the one most commonly agued nowadays. I saw two poets aguing it on CSPAN's Book TV and I thought the same thing. Duh.
The internet has revived poetry as written word somewhat but soon that will fade away also. Like a slow draining of water out of a fish's bowl. Just curious I guess were you guys think poetry is going to go next.
Sorry that's another way over done topic.
Nevermind. Don't mind me I'm a little buzzed on cough syrup right now. I appologize again profusely.
on Tonightâs Halloween by TLRufener
12 Oct 2005, 3:00 PM
By your login name I wouldn't think a gother.
replying on Take heart, you are closer than you know by Bobjim
12 Oct 2005, 2:07 PM
Warning: Prepare for the onslaught.
My dad'a like that. He'll formulate a group of thoughts in his head and not realize which thoughts he actually spoke and which one's stayed unspoken in his head. He's been known to quite literally start a story or conversation right in the middle as if you had been talking for the last 15 minutes on it (and you just blacked out or something) because in his head he has been talking.
Not saying that Zodiac is like this. I think he just sometimes thinks on a higher plain than us, like Denver or space.
Not saying that Zodiac is like this. I think he just sometimes thinks on a higher plain than us, like Denver or space.
replying on I don't rhyme enough, eh? by Niphredil
12 Oct 2005, 5:07 AM
Actually we're both mistaken. Hip-hop isn't poetry, rap is. Hip-hop is just the name for the lifestyle they lead. Of course rap is poetry but some people believe poetry should be something seperate and I didn't want to piss on that perception just yet.
So yes I pussied out and contradicted myself there.
I don't care about the 'Is rap poetry' question or who's color blind. I was talking about how it seems to be the only contemporary poetic movement that's having a major affect on sociaty.
I get 2pac but DMX?
So yes I pussied out and contradicted myself there.
I don't care about the 'Is rap poetry' question or who's color blind. I was talking about how it seems to be the only contemporary poetic movement that's having a major affect on sociaty.
I get 2pac but DMX?
on Rocky Road by Dovina
12 Oct 2005, 4:46 AM
Did you mean "a place OF sweet remembrance"
A really fun read with a groovy beat.
A really fun read with a groovy beat.
I've considered dropping all the periods. I think it will work without them. Sonnets can be quite a struggle. I'm not sure it won't be a little confusing without "Till then" but I'll think that over a bit. I don't think this one beats your last sonnet.
replying on I don't rhyme enough, eh? by Niphredil
11 Oct 2005, 3:13 PM
And if these lidicrous so called poets can effect culture so much just think of what a good poet could do in that genre. A bad lyrical poet does not mean lyrical poetry is bad nor does a bad rapper make rap bad.
replying on The Servant and The Messenger by ALChemy
11 Oct 2005, 2:57 PM
I still respect your opinion. Balls or no balls.
Since when can't ghosts talk? Usually they aren't heard but...