replying on The burden of faith by Bobjim
19 Aug 2005, 9:50 AM
The Bible has been rewritten and butchered in the process by nearly every translation ever made. So you can certainly doubt everything except the spirit of the bible and still have faith in it.
on Little Orange Petal Flower by i_am_the_popsicle
19 Aug 2005, 9:41 AM
The poem sounds good and all but isn't the idea of a spirit that it doesn't die. That it just drifts off somewhere into eternity. Or did you mean spirit as in enthusiasm. Put Spirit in the place of all the little orange petal flower parts of the poem and you'll see the places where your spirit isn't like a little orange petal flower. Maintaining the metaphor is at the utmost importance in this poem for the point of the poem is the metaphor.
Love the concrete like structural design of the poem.
Love the concrete like structural design of the poem.
on Yellow Leather Innards by PsydewaysTears
19 Aug 2005, 9:08 AM
All that Yellow leather repetition dilutes the poem. Why not mix it up with some different color leather. Other wise the poem's got some great rhythm and some good rhyme.
Besides. No one does yellow leather like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.
Besides. No one does yellow leather like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.
replying on The Servant and The Messenger by ALChemy
19 Aug 2005, 8:55 AM
correction: I didn't catch THAT one on my proofread. Obviously I need to work on my proofreading.
replying on The Servant and The Messenger by ALChemy
19 Aug 2005, 8:53 AM
Thanks I didn't catch one on my proofread.
on The Story of Our Lives by woodstock20000
19 Aug 2005, 8:51 AM
Death is a semi-colon hmmm...
Makes sense.
I always thought he did things half-assed
Makes sense.
I always thought he did things half-assed
replying on The Giant Verse by drnick
19 Aug 2005, 7:31 AM
correction: lose not loose
on The Giant Verse by drnick
19 Aug 2005, 7:30 AM
Loose "Beside a path of broken darts". It just sounds goofy. You have an engine that has some good parts but you need to assemble it better. Get your thoughts to connect with each other. Then rev that engine up.
Last line should be "Rather HAVE left before he stayed."
Last line should be "Rather HAVE left before he stayed."
on Take heart, you are closer than you know by Bobjim
19 Aug 2005, 7:07 AM
WAY FAY, WAY STY, SAY AY I. As an acrostic it sounds kinda cool in a nonsense way. I know it's not intended but your Microsoft Word program put caps at the begining of all your lines. So at first I thought you might be doing some kind of acrostic poem. Nice, warm, religious. Kind of like a spiritual.
on Looking for someone by INTRANSIT
19 Aug 2005, 6:49 AM
Somewhere in a trailer along the backroads of West Virginia a woman eagerly awaits to hear these very words.
on Surveyor and Farmer by Dovina
19 Aug 2005, 6:12 AM
I'm not sure what "Small squeeze, a swell." is. I won't tell you what my guess is because it's kinda dirty but if I'm right I'll give you a 10 for the devilish grin you caused. Your on a roll now. Good flow again. Keep that factory in your head goin'.
on How Angels Sleep by Dovina
18 Aug 2005, 10:05 AM
It flows beatifully except for the last line. Needs one more beat I think. "and she knew he understood(Dadum)."
PS. beatifully was a pun.
PS. beatifully was a pun.
replying on More Than The World by XOXScottishgrlXOX
18 Aug 2005, 9:17 AM
See usage note for "He" at Dictionary.com
I don't think your either racist or a chauvinist but I do think "Everyone has his own problems" is chauvinistic in the tradition of so many other words that put him and not her into the words spoken by MANkind. The immigrant comment you must admit did appear to have an ever so slight racist undertone.
"We all have our own problems" sounds fine to me and maybe even is a little more self-inclusive.
I don't think your either racist or a chauvinist but I do think "Everyone has his own problems" is chauvinistic in the tradition of so many other words that put him and not her into the words spoken by MANkind. The immigrant comment you must admit did appear to have an ever so slight racist undertone.
"We all have our own problems" sounds fine to me and maybe even is a little more self-inclusive.
on Stream of Consciousness (#1) by Enkidu
14 Aug 2005, 1:11 PM
Without a definitive title stream of consciousness poems are pointless in my opinion. Do a psychological evaluation of the poem and then title it. Otherwise it's just babbling.
Them and they are OK as long as the person is unspecified. Especially in reference to an unknown gender. "Him or her" becomes replaced by "them" until the sex is identified. "Him or her" is the formal and best way to say it. "They" is informal and frowned on by english teachers but is used often in common speach.
You do use the forms of they a little too often in this poem though, when in some places you could omit it entirely and still make the point. Or you could just change "Someone creeps" to "They creep" all though that would give you another they. Ah hell. just change the title to "Them" too. I liked the story though.
You do use the forms of they a little too often in this poem though, when in some places you could omit it entirely and still make the point. Or you could just change "Someone creeps" to "They creep" all though that would give you another they. Ah hell. just change the title to "Them" too. I liked the story though.
replying on More Than The World by XOXScottishgrlXOX
14 Aug 2005, 8:22 AM
Sorry. Their is the possessive form of they. My Dyslexia strikes again.
Damn, I've got to stop posting poems when I'm half asleep.