replying on I Never Thought by TLRufener
12 Aug 2005, 6:48 AM
Better.
on sculpture by ThePariahDog
12 Aug 2005, 6:44 AM
This is a concrete poem. Pretty neat on too.
replying on More Than The World by XOXScottishgrlXOX
9 Aug 2005, 9:02 AM
In regards to "Everyone has their problems" It may not be grammatically correct but it's still used in common language. Who hasn't heard a reasonably intellegent person say something along the lines of "We all got our problems" If anything "Everyone has their own problems" would clear it up. But it's the context that makes the grammatical error unacceptable. Prayers should be formal and perfect. So in this poem fix it but in another you may not need to.
on That Summer by XOXScottishgrlXOX
9 Aug 2005, 1:46 AM
I was love at first sight? a little narcissistic don't you think.
on Soft Stuff by RGSsparky
9 Aug 2005, 1:41 AM
How does Silly Putty make hilarious noises?
on I Never Thought by TLRufener
9 Aug 2005, 1:31 AM
Holding unfurled fags huh? Must be a San Fransisco thing. People will judge you here. Hence the site's name. For starters don't write a poem with 19 out of 32 lines that begin with the word I. I do sympathize with your feelings in the poem though.
on Beware of Cruel Poets by Dovina
6 Aug 2005, 10:42 AM
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
on Beware of Cruel Poets by Dovina
6 Aug 2005, 10:39 AM
This poems quite cool Ace. Now turn around so I can nibble on those buns.
Upon the first reading, it kinda reminded me of the first part of the animated british film "When the Wind Blows" An older couple with a humdrum life and then the omen of war and certain death. I didn't pick up on much of the symbolism. Maybe if you used "The" Yeast it might be deciphered as "The East" which might then lead to the idea that Girlie is from the west. I don't think anyone will recognize Bush as Girlie but they might see the U.S. as Girlie. "Peaces" slips buy as "Peices" on first read. So the last verse kind of comes out of left field after all that domestic talk. So Maybe some slightly less abrasive words than "pungent, graves and bombed". Maybe "as fertile and pungent as mud-pies,
as a scorched earth. And yet we have no bread."?
I'd prefer Peace over "peaces" only because it's a plural pitted up against a singular. Or maybe just place a period after peaces. The broken sentences make a cryptic poem even more cryptic. Your choice of symbolism and how you set the mood is great there just needs to be some more clues.
as a scorched earth. And yet we have no bread."?
I'd prefer Peace over "peaces" only because it's a plural pitted up against a singular. Or maybe just place a period after peaces. The broken sentences make a cryptic poem even more cryptic. Your choice of symbolism and how you set the mood is great there just needs to be some more clues.
on Observation of a stupéfait by Dental Panic
2 Aug 2005, 12:43 AM
Another possible title: Mouths wide shut.
I loved the first two and last two lines.
The others kinda reminded me of the theme song from Pocahontas.
I loved the first two and last two lines.
The others kinda reminded me of the theme song from Pocahontas.
on More drugs. by darby pyn
2 Aug 2005, 12:32 AM
Great flow. The last verse doesn't blend as well with the others. Your talking about your life in the first three verses and then you start complaining about smug people with no fashion sense and it takes away from how personal and exposing the poem is in regards to you. Make the last verse more about you and less about them. Otherwise a really good poem.
on Life is not serious by daggatolar
2 Aug 2005, 12:14 AM
God spoke us into being so that some day we might return the favor.
From what I can decipher. Your lover had crabs. So you "snapped" her neck and hid her corpse in a dumpster or something somewhere downtown.
I've alerted the authorities. the Feds should be knocking on your door any second now.
The first verse is pretty good but then you get all psycho. Seems to be a trend among young male poem posters. Though you may not be either young or male for all I know.
I've alerted the authorities. the Feds should be knocking on your door any second now.
The first verse is pretty good but then you get all psycho. Seems to be a trend among young male poem posters. Though you may not be either young or male for all I know.
on Distraction by zodiac
1 Aug 2005, 4:27 AM
Your poems are puzzle boxes that don't belong in most parts of today's sociaty. Nowadays people want things served on a silver platter. You've got to trick folks into working their brains.
Ditch the third verse. This is a thinkers poem. There's no place for melodrama. The last line isn't much of a revelation and it could end many different ways and still be as thought prevoking. ie. "is to not be alone" or "will never be shown" or "is the journey your on". The answer of answers should be a big surprise even if it's not.
replying on Noble oboe now sings every next saturday evening by ALChemy
27 Jul 2005, 5:23 AM
Yeah your probably right. It was a stream of thought poem so if I changed it. It wouldn't be stream of thought. So I've got to keep it the same. If I did change it I'd probably drop "Satellite". The title by the way is a parody of some of the many seemingly nonsensical titles you may have seen attributed to other poems.
Go to this url - http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q