on A Walk in the Park by Dovina
2 Feb 2006, 7:30 PM
aww...I like this! It suprised me with where it went! The first two stanza are so strong...could stand alone and on there own just fine, IMO.
on By Request by thepinkbunnyofdoom
2 Feb 2006, 7:26 PM
Someone who does puncuation will probably count all those commas, and suggest a period here or there, instead...but, I'd be fine, and this would work without any punctuation at all...as the format guides italong just fine! (and thanks!)
on Les Imagistes by Nicholas Jones
2 Feb 2006, 9:24 AM
maybe : punctuation would make first stanza more clear?>
We would call this peaceful, and
it IS quiet, compared to the noise
of the urban morning and
the tapping of the office workers.
(never mind...it doesn't work...unless you went on to say something about the false perception of feeling peaceful.(But I am in no way at peace.)
at and 2nd stanza, it would need "so it isn't exactly quiet, either. at the end, to explain your 'but still'.
Do you think, or do I see? You are saying you think, so drop the 'you see' in 3rd stanza.
a poetics like a duck...> ? poet's, poetic's (A 'poet is' like...?)
We would call this peaceful, and
it IS quiet, compared to the noise
of the urban morning and
the tapping of the office workers.
(never mind...it doesn't work...unless you went on to say something about the false perception of feeling peaceful.(But I am in no way at peace.)
at and 2nd stanza, it would need "so it isn't exactly quiet, either. at the end, to explain your 'but still'.
Do you think, or do I see? You are saying you think, so drop the 'you see' in 3rd stanza.
a poetics like a duck...> ? poet's, poetic's (A 'poet is' like...?)
on Valentine? by celticskatermatt1
2 Feb 2006, 8:56 AM
LOL...God's wife...and I'm with you Nich
on A Cleansing Of Creeds by Caducus
2 Feb 2006, 8:54 AM
The first 2 stanza seem like you were going to write something else...seems disconnected in style from the rest of it. This is not the first I have seen lately drawing parallels. Surprised you didn't throw Sudan into the mix, but hey, you did address this well. (I am relieved when I see other drawing the parallels, too. Gives me some sort of faith in intellegence. Basing my score on your Dropping the first two stanzas, and using them somewhere else, as they ARE rather unigue.
on Even the elephants by ecargo
2 Feb 2006, 8:42 AM
...and hide like the sky?
Consider dropping one of the 'hard' (at eyes, IMO)
3rd. stanza a little bit uncomfortable in rythm.
I like this...just needs a tweak.
Consider dropping one of the 'hard' (at eyes, IMO)
3rd. stanza a little bit uncomfortable in rythm.
I like this...just needs a tweak.
on Unhappy Marriages by Caducus
2 Feb 2006, 8:37 AM
This has some great moments...keep working on it.
on Unhappy Marriages by Caducus
2 Feb 2006, 8:36 AM
Grammar! You attempt puncuation...get help with that.
Unclear in places..."owned by leaves and wax"
Unclear in places..."owned by leaves and wax"
on stormcast (a true story) by FreeFormFixation
2 Feb 2006, 8:33 AM
I'm confused. Take a breath, calm down and then tell me again; what happened?
replying on Nomads by amanda_dcosta
2 Feb 2006, 8:26 AM
Ranger, I believe they are supposed to. 5-7-5
and some have a - afer the 2nd. line.
Are the birds wandering or flying?
'in the sky so high'...uhm...needs work.
Concept> birds, flying, "Oh tell me where" great ending to that concept, but add one necessary word, to make 5 syllables.
and some have a - afer the 2nd. line.
Are the birds wandering or flying?
'in the sky so high'...uhm...needs work.
Concept> birds, flying, "Oh tell me where" great ending to that concept, but add one necessary word, to make 5 syllables.
on Ode to Seduction by MacFrantic
2 Feb 2006, 8:21 AM
correct...even.
on Ode to Seduction by MacFrantic
2 Feb 2006, 8:20 AM
I'll let someone else corerect your punctuation...it need work...but this is cool.
replying on The Book of Images by Dovina
2 Feb 2006, 7:27 AM
LOL, Dovina...here again is that theory that we ARE all canibals! We consume, digest and regurgitate. Of course the mixture is always individually digested and spewn in some way unique, if we are lucky....
replying on Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom
2 Feb 2006, 7:16 AM
Okay...you cleared that up...
now post THAT reply (as a poem), so I can vote on IT!...it is as good as, and better than, some stuff I've seen on here!
now post THAT reply (as a poem), so I can vote on IT!...it is as good as, and better than, some stuff I've seen on here!
replying on The Book of Images by Dovina
31 Jan 2006, 4:03 PM
Dovina, you said" I disagree, because my interpretations would only anger you. It's better to let it stand uninterpreted, unstoried into my life in particular." How beautiful is THAT?! anyway...an artist simply paints, then lets others gaze and interpret. (and appreciate.) Persoanlly, I like it just the way it is, original! If you had said what it means to you, and painted your self into it, then it would have been like everything else out there. I understand why you put the last stanza, and what it means. (Do not all writers do this?!)But... that is not the point of this piece.
replying on Penny Loafer Blues by ALChemy
31 Jan 2006, 3:51 PM
"Run to your dream wife whoâs face
as light glows through closed lids like stained glass, illuminating
blood capillaries the color of fresh lava and if you concentrate appears
into your frontal lobe as vapor apparition. She is your soul mate, your
starlet projected against a screen of inner skull.â
That type of wording (the language I refered to)is not in sync with the rest of it. The rest has a homey, very-real, real-life grit to it.
as light glows through closed lids like stained glass, illuminating
blood capillaries the color of fresh lava and if you concentrate appears
into your frontal lobe as vapor apparition. She is your soul mate, your
starlet projected against a screen of inner skull.â
That type of wording (the language I refered to)is not in sync with the rest of it. The rest has a homey, very-real, real-life grit to it.
on Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom
31 Jan 2006, 10:19 AM
Is this one of your sex poems, one of your war-commentary poems, or a drug poem? Or 'the ignorance and bliss of unknowing the young possess'?
"And said it that was nice"> wanna fix that? (that it?)(said it was nice?)(And said,"That was nice.")?
"And said it that was nice"> wanna fix that? (that it?)(said it was nice?)(And said,"That was nice.")?
on Time, Indeterminate by ecargo
31 Jan 2006, 10:12 AM
has been stolen> correct would be:Have been; but then again, maybe leaving it in the language it is written in actually gives something to this poem.
This is a long poem, but it is worth the time to read. Very nice, and real. What a melancholy piece.
I thought it was about a soldier until I hit the word 'celly', and realizes it was about prison. It is unique in that it makes the reader see real faces behind those locked up; and beyond those faces to the families left behind. Excellent work!
This is a long poem, but it is worth the time to read. Very nice, and real. What a melancholy piece.
I thought it was about a soldier until I hit the word 'celly', and realizes it was about prison. It is unique in that it makes the reader see real faces behind those locked up; and beyond those faces to the families left behind. Excellent work!
Huh? What a strangely fascinating bit-of-something, this is. The fact that I have worked with autistics makes me look into this and know that it is painting a picture...but, one too disconnected for me to fully 'get'. About the time I think I know what is going on here, I decide that can't be 'it'. I would be most interested in hearing what this is about.
with intent to invite" means...? that by pushing away, you know it will invite?
other than that...this is cool...I like that you leave things half said...and it is not hard to deduct the rest of what is not being said. Very good.