on You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger
1 Mar 2006, 12:07 PM
Oh, and, I like the alternate title the best...if I had to vote.
on You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber by Ranger
1 Mar 2006, 12:06 PM
This is so freaking cool! What a delight! I am so tempted to go read what others wrote before I post, but I won't. I have no clear understanding what this is about...and I don't think I want one! It could be about so many wonderful things...and so I say...it could use a tweak here or there...but not too many, or it might lose its depth and multi-meaning layers. I have reread this 3 times, and will put it in my favorites to reread again. It is just magical. And, I think, to adults and children alike,it will mean so many different things.I like all the things that may be tucked in the nooks and crannies of this piece. (Like little Spider's webs tucked into the cracks and crevices)
That said, I don't think it would hurt to fill in with a word here or there, in closer proximity to complete sentences.
That said, I don't think it would hurt to fill in with a word here or there, in closer proximity to complete sentences.
on The Struggling Poet's Lament by Ranger
1 Mar 2006, 11:46 AM
Oh, Man! Awesome! Idea, premise,and the path to it; Great! Very intellegent!
Execution...needs to be worked on.
okay....Yes, some flow problems in a few places (In low-lit room move, exploring
Soft sweeps across such pale skin)
Maybe that's it, maybe make more complete sentences...alittle too sparse here and there. I think if you filled in a little, and then cleaned up the rythm that way, you would be more happy with this.
I'd like to see you play with the 'fire' alittle more here. I think volcano erupts, in reverse, to flow upon the floor, searing hot images that burn into the mind and refuse to be painted in their full glory onto the canvas...I'd like to see you go a little further with that idea. Pale...alabaster, porcelain...I would like a more precie definition/description here. But, maybe that is the whole, entire point of this. Less than mastered, it stands as the canvas and so a part of what it laments it can not master. But only a true artist agonizes over the inablility to fully capture it, but alas, does come close. You need to come closer to it, here, to pull off the imperfections; if they are meant to be there. 9 for the genius of thought this holds. 10 if you master it!
Execution...needs to be worked on.
okay....Yes, some flow problems in a few places (In low-lit room move, exploring
Soft sweeps across such pale skin)
Maybe that's it, maybe make more complete sentences...alittle too sparse here and there. I think if you filled in a little, and then cleaned up the rythm that way, you would be more happy with this.
I'd like to see you play with the 'fire' alittle more here. I think volcano erupts, in reverse, to flow upon the floor, searing hot images that burn into the mind and refuse to be painted in their full glory onto the canvas...I'd like to see you go a little further with that idea. Pale...alabaster, porcelain...I would like a more precie definition/description here. But, maybe that is the whole, entire point of this. Less than mastered, it stands as the canvas and so a part of what it laments it can not master. But only a true artist agonizes over the inablility to fully capture it, but alas, does come close. You need to come closer to it, here, to pull off the imperfections; if they are meant to be there. 9 for the genius of thought this holds. 10 if you master it!
on Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac
1 Mar 2006, 10:54 AM
lol...chuckled at this...didn't think I was going to like it, at first...but it came out pulled together...and ended up being fun. You have a strange internal dialog! LOL
on An Interview With King David by amanda_dcosta
1 Mar 2006, 10:44 AM
I wasn't as amused by this as I might have been. Too cheesy in too many places, but then again, alot of people praise cheezy to high heaven. It just didn't go anywhere interesting! I kept thinking you were going to make them lovers...so many places hint you are going there. (Intro>loved the Lord passionatly,how long have you been in love with the Lord? a burning desire to please the Lord, that nothing could prevent me from expressing my love
for Him. the whole dancing nearly-naked part.) I don't think this was an accident...and if you were going that direction, then don't pussy-foot around it...go for the balls, so to speak! And if you find that whole idea blasphemous, then take a really close look at this and revise...alot! (also, if it was not intentional, then perhaps you might want to talk to your priest...unless, of course he is of that type that would agree they were indeed lovers, and you are a pretty youngster.... LOL...Don't send me hate mail!
for Him. the whole dancing nearly-naked part.) I don't think this was an accident...and if you were going that direction, then don't pussy-foot around it...go for the balls, so to speak! And if you find that whole idea blasphemous, then take a really close look at this and revise...alot! (also, if it was not intentional, then perhaps you might want to talk to your priest...unless, of course he is of that type that would agree they were indeed lovers, and you are a pretty youngster.... LOL...Don't send me hate mail!
graceless seems a tad forced here...but I like this. The last stanza is rather strange in that it brings 'freedom to our souls'...which feels like relief and sounds nice and desirable...but then it ends, "turning all life cold", which is the opposite. Maybe this was on purpose?...it would be one to some people, and the other to other people.
on isomers by skaskowski
1 Mar 2006, 10:10 AM
I like the first stanza...alot! then the 2nd...AWwww...man...this had the potential to go a long way. My suggestion? scratch out the last stanza, stash it in a pile somewhere, and then rediscover it sometime in the future, when you will be inspired to write more...and the cerebral climax it calls for! 9 on the first stanza. hmm...2nd...use it in another realistic and ironic piece.
on Today's Spam by nentwined
1 Mar 2006, 9:04 AM
LOL...a bit of fun! I love the ones offering penis enlargement...it would be useful if I HAD a penis!
and the ones for viagra-like meds...if I had a penis, that then refused to respond!
and the ones for viagra-like meds...if I had a penis, that then refused to respond!
OH! Type A personalities! groan...:~
If I wrote this it would have been so different! All the possibilities...no clocks, no time...just the sheer joy of 'being'...like a child...I would have just played with the idea and excitement of 'possibility'...but THAT is me, and this is you. I enjoy my own time and am never bored...never. Perhaps when you get there you will find a child waiting to show you what to do:)
If I wrote this it would have been so different! All the possibilities...no clocks, no time...just the sheer joy of 'being'...like a child...I would have just played with the idea and excitement of 'possibility'...but THAT is me, and this is you. I enjoy my own time and am never bored...never. Perhaps when you get there you will find a child waiting to show you what to do:)
on Pine Boxes (revised) by Joe-joe
1 Mar 2006, 8:44 AM
There is a subtle flow/rythm in the language, that does not flow into the last three lines. (Dropping the A. in Dorsey's name would help; as would changing 'perpetuity'(?'time'?).The 'a' in the last line was strange to me, I'd change to: "the sweet scent of pine'. I would have shortened the syllables in line 7, by dropping 'behind & broken' and adding 'their'; or at least dropping 'broken'.It is rather long, and would work better if you tweaked the rythm within it. "peak"> peek (mispelled) (Peak> mountian peak, eagle's beak. Peek> peer, EyEs pEEk...EEK! :) IMO...
on Whalecrack by wlshepherd
1 Mar 2006, 8:21 AM
I post,vote, and then go read the votes and comments...that said...I'll be interested in how people took this...I never know in here! I like the last two stanzas, good rythm and they seem to form an ending to a picture of something...but the previous lines don't draw a picture or mean anything, to me, and are lacking in every way.
on the disadvantages of dropping out by FreeFormFixation
1 Mar 2006, 8:12 AM
OMG...chilly stuff there...with the voice of youth...
on Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo
2 Feb 2006, 8:16 PM
Awesome here:
"Such an accidental magic
to be an intimate of air,
a certain hollowness of bone,
wings curved like light--
each flight a prayer."
I wouldn't have used the --'s
I'd tweak>'like this winter sky,' and at
'Bleed red as spring', as something in there is messing with the flow alittle. I know you posted a while back, but I am tying to catch up on my reading...that said, some of what I am saying may have been already said...but I post without reading or seeing votes, that way you get my gut reaction and thoughts. I like this and would like to vote on a revised piece...it's worth a second look!
"Such an accidental magic
to be an intimate of air,
a certain hollowness of bone,
wings curved like light--
each flight a prayer."
I wouldn't have used the --'s
I'd tweak>'like this winter sky,' and at
'Bleed red as spring', as something in there is messing with the flow alittle. I know you posted a while back, but I am tying to catch up on my reading...that said, some of what I am saying may have been already said...but I post without reading or seeing votes, that way you get my gut reaction and thoughts. I like this and would like to vote on a revised piece...it's worth a second look!
on For such is a childâs heart by amanda_dcosta
2 Feb 2006, 8:01 PM
a wondrous sight < is the only thing I, personally would change.
Sweet, without being candy-coated. Good job!
Sweet, without being candy-coated. Good job!
on Sunday Legs by D. $ Fontera
2 Feb 2006, 7:58 PM
Catchy Title!
on Sunday Legs by D. $ Fontera
2 Feb 2006, 7:57 PM
The first stanza could stand alone...and stand solid, at that! It wasn't as well, pulled together, to me, after that. Very nice, all-in-all, though! It seems you just stopped, rather than ended this.
"And a blouse that cuts
Deep veins below your shoulders"....?
"And a blouse that cuts
Deep veins below your shoulders"....?
on Racial Hate by Glasseyez
2 Feb 2006, 7:47 PM
I like that you want to speak about this, and applaud your effort to do so...that being said...the first four lines made me think you were going to go someplace interesting with this piece...but then it got messy and didn't say anything else new or well-said. I'd say goback to the drawingtable with the first four lines in front of you...and go from there, again.
on A Loud Room by MacFrantic
2 Feb 2006, 7:42 PM
My fav:
"I crumble;
dissipate in an overwhelming.
There is sound and there is silence,
and I dare not speak
to disturb them both."
Awesome, awesome, awesome!...BTW, is that correct spelling of dissipate...it looks wrong...?...LOL
My least favorite:My view from near is dots
Anyway, I liked this.
"I crumble;
dissipate in an overwhelming.
There is sound and there is silence,
and I dare not speak
to disturb them both."
Awesome, awesome, awesome!...BTW, is that correct spelling of dissipate...it looks wrong...?...LOL
My least favorite:My view from near is dots
Anyway, I liked this.