on she is... by Sapphire
27 Sep 2005, 1:45 AM
Cute, the word spice gathers a bit of interest here. It is short and simple and perhaps a bit too simple to stand on its own, inclusion as a verse within a larger piece may produce a more involving result.
on Pebbles by Verse2Verse
27 Sep 2005, 1:47 AM
Analogy is well used here, the second verse feels a bit long for my likings, some kind of break or use of a bit more varied language might have pulled me in a bit more in that verse, rather than just being compelled to glance it over.
on Disaster in Disguise by Miggy
27 Sep 2005, 1:55 AM
The clarity with which you recount emotional reasoning is very good here, ther are however lines like:
Nor a faint sense of grime
That break from the rhythm and flow of the piece without having any apparent purpose in being there (am I missing something? what is a faint sense of grime?). The other problem that I have is that there are several changes in the structure of the piece, that break the flow with a new structure each time you move from verse to verse. This can be quite effective when you want the reader to pause for thought or you want to provide a contrast, but here I think a more flowing structure would assist.
Nor a faint sense of grime
That break from the rhythm and flow of the piece without having any apparent purpose in being there (am I missing something? what is a faint sense of grime?). The other problem that I have is that there are several changes in the structure of the piece, that break the flow with a new structure each time you move from verse to verse. This can be quite effective when you want the reader to pause for thought or you want to provide a contrast, but here I think a more flowing structure would assist.
on some deleted poem
26 Sep 2005, 9:45 AM
Would have voted higher if the last lines here a little more brutal and flowing
on Looking Up by Verse2Verse
26 Sep 2005, 12:45 PM
Gentle, moody and contemplatative (a very nice combination) - there is sufficient thought within the first paragraphs to force me to ask where I can read more of your work (a rarity). I would say I lost the thread a bit in the middle verse though, but was so enchanted by the end of the second verse that I quickly glanced over that.
on Servant Girl or Princess? by TLRufener
26 Sep 2005, 12:47 PM
Gratuitously emetic
on Of the Lady on the Bridge by Verse2Verse
27 Sep 2005, 2:44 AM
Haunting once you become engaged the piece
on some deleted poem
30 Sep 2005, 1:20 AM
I felt sympathetic to you for having the worst rated poem, since you used nice words and descriptions, they perhaps took over from giving a clear image, but still nothing to warrent the rating I am going to give you after reading that last line, I mean its murder, butchery of an otherwise borderline piece, you fiend.
on Night on the Towne by Modulo
7 Nov 2005, 6:10 AM
Much better than your piece High? Coo. Uses plenty of lively language that reminds me of dodgy cocktail bars. I'm not sure about the exclamation mark and the capitalization of jazz nights at the end, bit too much exclamation for my likings, anyway good effort.
on Forgive Me by TLRufener
9 Nov 2005, 5:56 AM
Shows the humility and neediness of a prayer for assistance with simplicity and accuracy.
on some deleted poem
14 Nov 2005, 5:47 AM
Autumnal and inviting, would of given it a 10 apart from the use of the word cunning at the beggining (if appeared as if you were trying to be clever (whether you were or not))
on There is a journey tree by ALChemy
17 Nov 2005, 5:10 AM
Much as we have been arguing on my work, I thought it reasonable to have a look at some of yours and put a few damming comments down there; however, I am pleasantly surprised by the flow and imagery, each word is simple, yet their combination is elegant and shows shapely structure. Underated, with a message delivered well in the last two lines.
on After Fighting (More Blood Edit) by zodiac
17 Nov 2005, 5:15 AM
The short lived but sweet taste of revenge, well put.