replying on Semaphores from the Chaos by cyan9
12 Apr 2006, 10:25 AM
Touchy as ever
replying on Semaphores from the Chaos by cyan9
12 Apr 2006, 10:25 AM
It was the way you said it
replying on The Day After Next by cyan9
10 Apr 2006, 4:16 AM
Cheers for that old boy. As for the quick reader sick feeder bunch, start name dropping
replying on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina
10 Apr 2006, 4:14 AM
True
replying on Semaphores from the Chaos by cyan9
10 Apr 2006, 2:22 AM
I go for a short break, and when I come back I find that you are as pedantic as ever
on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina
9 Apr 2006, 2:10 PM
I am curious to see whether making verses 2-5 rhyme in a plodding, marching kind of way would add to the piece
replying on Random Design by thepinkbunnyofdoom
9 Apr 2006, 2:03 PM
I would second this. Your lyrics 'Guilt Trip' are one of the two poems that are on my favourites list, what it has that this piece doesn't is that each verse stems straight from the same emotion and states consecutive parts from the same story. It comes across as though you learn a few different lessons here from different events, and there are really a few shorter poems sandwiched together that could be focused upon.
replying on The Day After Next by cyan9
7 Apr 2006, 1:22 AM
Help me out here,
A dinner well cooked that everyones eaten an hour ago??? Is it too cliched? or does it spend too long explaining itself?
This is due to be the intro piece to a book that I am putting together, so if it aint good, somethings gotta be done.
A dinner well cooked that everyones eaten an hour ago??? Is it too cliched? or does it spend too long explaining itself?
This is due to be the intro piece to a book that I am putting together, so if it aint good, somethings gotta be done.
replying on The Day After Next by cyan9
6 Apr 2006, 7:46 AM
Cheers for the compliment, what I was trying to get at with the camera film is effect when you see clips of old films that have been exposed to the heat and have melted, and am at a loss as to how to describe that effect, I geuss 'like snapshots from a melted projector film'?????
on Shy, quiet by Ranger
4 Apr 2006, 7:45 AM
Didn't really get this, it was cool, and an enjoyeable ride, I think Im glad that I havn't got it in the end + it grows on me. After reading your ecplanation I geuss to clarify it without giving away what you are talking about you might consider using a few more cat like terms e.g. feline, and also references to looking at the women.
on The Unforgiven II by alvinb
4 Apr 2006, 7:38 AM
The best thing Ive read on this site
replying on The Day After Next by cyan9
4 Apr 2006, 7:30 AM
Thanks for the critique, Ive acted upon it somewhat and think its added to the piece. Will return the favour at some point.
replying on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9
31 Jan 2006, 1:21 AM
Evil metal dudes invade Narnia and cause havok, maybe its a bit deeper than that in places, but in essence... ...
on May I Help by Dovina
20 Jan 2006, 5:04 AM
Really liked the first verse, nice feel all the way through, last 2 lines warming as well.
on Fredrick Illinois by rahson_s
19 Jan 2006, 3:13 PM
It left me wanting to shoot Fredrick Illinois
on a week off by hendrimike
19 Jan 2006, 3:11 PM
"the horizon becomes the sunlights throne, orange purple red and gold" are very good lines, I thought this was simple and nice, and probobally deserved more than some of the votes its been given.
on Topper Fey by ALChemy
19 Jan 2006, 3:08 PM
Like it, amusing and fun. verse with Now thank the lord above stood out a little too much for my likings, too much of a change of rythm, or maybe the wrong sort of change
on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9
19 Jan 2006, 1:41 AM
Origional
Glaring at the glowing drops of steel
As they dripped from the scarred anvil
Like beads of tempered rain running
Into crevice and crack like red lightning
Forks streaking cross charcoal sky
From whence rain came as cool ash
Damping breathing, calming the very soul.
Striking out with intention of murder
Whipping up more anger to draw the victim,
The strangler who sketched with chalk finger
The outlines of bodies and dark little stories
Venting to peace and evenings drinking
Red wine with soft cheese following
Extended visits to the patisserie.
Darkness undressed her all scarred and withered,
Weaving its storm clouds and pronouncing out loud
âAll should kneel then be proudâ to yield to adversity,
Any little difficulty could go unsolved so easily
Until the day he turned away from all that hate,
Turned around and remedied his complaints, his disdain.
Glaring at the glowing drops of steel
As they dripped from the scarred anvil
Like beads of tempered rain running
Into crevice and crack like red lightning
Forks streaking cross charcoal sky
From whence rain came as cool ash
Damping breathing, calming the very soul.
Striking out with intention of murder
Whipping up more anger to draw the victim,
The strangler who sketched with chalk finger
The outlines of bodies and dark little stories
Venting to peace and evenings drinking
Red wine with soft cheese following
Extended visits to the patisserie.
Darkness undressed her all scarred and withered,
Weaving its storm clouds and pronouncing out loud
âAll should kneel then be proudâ to yield to adversity,
Any little difficulty could go unsolved so easily
Until the day he turned away from all that hate,
Turned around and remedied his complaints, his disdain.
on The Frey by Southern_Bell
19 Jan 2006, 1:37 AM
The double line spaces add massively to the piece, drumming up suspence ... an enjoyable piece. The trussels line is a bit odd though, Im not even sure what they are, but they dont seem to quite blend in with this dark romancing poem.
on four walls by crwncka1
19 Jan 2006, 1:34 AM
Reminds me of the film Labyrinth at the end with the staircases