on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:27 AM
Progress
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:20 AM
Gang members don't do this all the time. Did you fix the second line? Seems not. How do you know they don't like the lashings?
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:18 AM
Over technical. Becomes bean shaped. I'm sure there's more to work with here. Lose the ass. it's just childish. I like that you chose a tick.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:21 AM
Again, invert the first and the third. Or start over entirely.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:23 AM
The thinker.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:25 AM
Nailed.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:28 AM
Sad, but true.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:30 AM
If this is true, Explain all the college grads in our government. Meh.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:31 AM
This one's ok.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:36 AM
Too blatant. Are you writing poetry or ranting. For the artistic rant, See: Pound or Ginsberg.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:44 AM
I don't know what to think of the mouse hole.
on The Buiness Card by abecedarian
25 Aug 2007, 6:53 AM
Duh, whassa Tamp tie ?
on The Dark Poet by Dovina
27 Aug 2007, 6:50 AM
More about the "happy peril in a runaway colt"- please.
I also think it's too straight/technical/cold.
I also think it's too straight/technical/cold.
on some deleted poem
27 Aug 2007, 9:23 AM
There you go.
on some deleted poem
29 Aug 2007, 5:44 AM
What has gone bland? Poetry? a relationship ? You refer to "the music", are you speaking literally ?
I like " mosaic grey". But " harder than you realize" has nothing to back it up. Rain thumping? Clicking might be better. The poem is salvageable, it just needs more attention. Good sounds though.
I like " mosaic grey". But " harder than you realize" has nothing to back it up. Rain thumping? Clicking might be better. The poem is salvageable, it just needs more attention. Good sounds though.
Thanks for your patience, C. I'm glad I waited because originally i thought you'd overshot your target. After coming back I see " a little bit of history repeating".
I like this and I think it's all there.
My nits would be: unfurled- bugs me, but I see the rhyme. Could you merge lines 7 and 9?
And -loom. again I see the rhyme but it just sounds awkward to me. Three generations?
I like this and I think it's all there.
My nits would be: unfurled- bugs me, but I see the rhyme. Could you merge lines 7 and 9?
And -loom. again I see the rhyme but it just sounds awkward to me. Three generations?
on some deleted poem
9 Sep 2007, 7:05 AM
Ya know mage, if you added a vein somehow, it would deepen the poem I think.
on some deleted poem
9 Sep 2007, 7:13 AM
Paul, I really like -white walls of hope and salvation-
There's a little trimming, not much, but some change in the line breaks could help. Would you like me to show you ?
There's a little trimming, not much, but some change in the line breaks could help. Would you like me to show you ?
on some deleted poem
9 Sep 2007, 4:29 PM
Try these cuts. the weight, of bones,
the second -where- and change the third to an -and.
Use the line break as a type of comma, for instance:
Surrounded by apple faced children swinging
lunch pails bent like the aged under heavy backpacks,
So you're still speaking the poem but misdirecting, slightly, each line. Line breaks make for a kind of two-fer for the reader. Not that I have l/bs all worked out, but i've found it's something to play with, if you will.
Remember, You have the final say. Thanks for listening.
the second -where- and change the third to an -and.
Use the line break as a type of comma, for instance:
Surrounded by apple faced children swinging
lunch pails bent like the aged under heavy backpacks,
So you're still speaking the poem but misdirecting, slightly, each line. Line breaks make for a kind of two-fer for the reader. Not that I have l/bs all worked out, but i've found it's something to play with, if you will.
Remember, You have the final say. Thanks for listening.
on Eye's Upon Tomorrow's Night by Enkidu
10 Sep 2007, 7:15 PM
S-2 is where it begins to roll.