on scene by Dental Panic
7 Jul 2007, 7:33 PM
I didn't.
on some deleted poem
7 Jul 2007, 7:34 PM
Change insulin to sugar, perhaps?
on some deleted poem
9 Jul 2007, 2:06 PM
This is very good. What will you practice once you feel confident in this form of poetry?
on Crotchety Old Geezer by Dovina
14 Aug 2007, 8:03 AM
That he does. That he does.
on some deleted poem
14 Aug 2007, 8:05 AM
Better than the other boss/employee poem.
on some deleted poem
17 Aug 2007, 5:39 AM
Honestly, you're not even funny.
on Passive Birth Control by http://mulberryfairy
24 Aug 2007, 6:39 AM
I second Paul S.
on Sylvania Wilderness by jessicazee
24 Aug 2007, 6:35 AM
YES ! Two small nits. J-flits, and Old spice... oh wait
no, well, shoot. The old spice itself is cliche but it steers me away from boyfriend/girlfriend and into father/daughter, so.... Anyway, it's ace. if you revise it any, please post. I'd like to add it to my faves.
no, well, shoot. The old spice itself is cliche but it steers me away from boyfriend/girlfriend and into father/daughter, so.... Anyway, it's ace. if you revise it any, please post. I'd like to add it to my faves.
on some deleted poem
24 Aug 2007, 6:43 AM
I've been to this poem twice now. I'll give it a third in a few days.
on some deleted poem
24 Aug 2007, 6:45 AM
I think you could lose the comma. I know you can do better.
on some deleted poem
24 Aug 2007, 6:48 AM
Curveball. A little too forward, I think. I like the ingredients
on The Raw Vegan Potluck by peaceseeker
24 Aug 2007, 7:00 AM
I get to use my favorite suggestion. Put it in the blender and hit frappe. It comes across a little too list-like. Blend the people with the foods a bit. There's much to work with here. Please revise.
on Some things marinate, others poison by MacFrantic
24 Aug 2007, 7:02 AM
chaos is much too good for me? ok then.
on some deleted poem
24 Aug 2007, 8:22 AM
I almost missed this. It's a bit list-like.( I have the same problem) If you go through and cut as many, well, look at the left column of words and then blend the sentences more. Man, theres so much here to work with and I wanna rewrite it to help(I won't). I don't know where to begin. 6. I really want to see a revision.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:06 AM
The last line tells us. How about if the park were too quiet, or some intimation of.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:07 AM
I'm assuming there's barf involved here. I'd invert lines one and three.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:08 AM
way too forward. turn the volume down.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:12 AM
Again, this tells us. Tone it down, put some camoflage in it. Just a little can work wonders.
Last minute suggestion. Use the coloration of the birds themselves more.
Last minute suggestion. Use the coloration of the birds themselves more.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:14 AM
Yeah, we know.
on some deleted poem
25 Aug 2007, 6:15 AM
You could have made the cat your "ruling planet" to spice it up a bit. Try again.