on Captured by Dovina
15 Feb 2007, 6:25 AM
2nd stanza made me all nicey-nice. Also, what is a "trainer's chair?"
on A Good Man Ruined by Dovina
20 Jul 2005, 7:46 PM
tell me why buildable is awesome in the beginning and I will begin to care. I think you have a grand character sketch here if you give it another go.
on Summer Song by wilco
30 Aug 2005, 10:09 PM
A few suggestions: put the apostrohe before the s in "summers'"; say more about the girl - what does she look like?; use the word "linger" only once, twice makes me not listen. What I love: "All of the cars, black as they pass by your house"; "Satellites ride across the heavens like stars". 8.7
on Summer Song by wilco
30 Aug 2005, 10:10 PM
oops - i mispelled "apostrophe" - it still looks wrong?
on Song of the cannonball ( a drinking song) by INTRANSIT
30 Aug 2005, 10:11 PM
I'll kis YOU with a powder burn! What a great line. You had me at "drinking song".
on some deleted poem
9 Oct 2005, 8:31 PM
Lose "and" in line 4, and maybe rethink line 6 "I had run over" for something more devastating (what?) or add another line showing why you care you ran over that sprig. Also, why capitalize "Fennel"? Blahblahs aside, I love this. 9.
on Creatures That Crawl To Me by D P Robertson
14 Oct 2005, 12:52 AM
Seriously? And your name at the end? Wo. Seek help. Hee.
Redeeming qualities: the line "choking in kelp" is totally excellent, as is "gather your ghosts on liquid graves".
Not good ideas: repeating the word "creatures" ad nauseam (weird, but not in a good way?) and forced-feeling line breaks throughout, especially in the last stanza, which is actually focused, but over-importantly broken up for no good reason. Edit please, but still a good 7.8 for effort. Read it 3 times in fact.
Redeeming qualities: the line "choking in kelp" is totally excellent, as is "gather your ghosts on liquid graves".
Not good ideas: repeating the word "creatures" ad nauseam (weird, but not in a good way?) and forced-feeling line breaks throughout, especially in the last stanza, which is actually focused, but over-importantly broken up for no good reason. Edit please, but still a good 7.8 for effort. Read it 3 times in fact.
on some deleted poem
14 Oct 2005, 12:59 AM
Could benefit from a little more concrete imagery and less "Me! Me! Me!" for actual readers. Great journal entry; fair-to-middlin' out-there-in-the-world poetry.
on Lucky by suejonespoetry
14 Oct 2005, 1:04 AM
Omit the 1st 3 stanzas, they don't matter for for real writing out loud; after that, very good --- keep expressing that tough, genuine voice. Don't let your wallflower alter-ego write prefacing disclaimers for your really right-on, deadpan visions that speak for themselves. good job. 8.6
on Lucky by suejonespoetry
14 Oct 2005, 1:07 AM
One more thing after reading this again --- you are a great writer, and I mean that because I heard you say this out loud; if not here in my room, but the way you say your words without backpedaling. Yeah.
on some deleted poem
14 Oct 2005, 1:09 AM
Love it overall; hate sentences that start: "Suddenly,..." Like, it was totally a dark and stormy night, oh my God.
on some deleted poem
14 Oct 2005, 1:12 AM
Deep.
on The Laws of Life by lrustagi
1 Mar 2007, 3:04 AM
Courageous (sp?) and well-tought-out. 8.9
on some deleted poem
1 Mar 2007, 3:06 AM
A fractured fairy tale?
on Settling In by jessicazee
24 Mar 2007, 4:49 AM
You rule.
on Oops by John Rambo
24 Mar 2007, 4:51 AM
I love the word "sac".
on some deleted poem
10 Mar 2007, 3:10 AM
stop capitalizing, way better! 9
on Reincarnation by Dovina
10 Mar 2007, 3:13 AM
I love "tiniest bugs", then it looks like long division, until "Nero", then a sudoku (sp?) puzzle, then the best line I've seen lately: "in poet, leaf, or dog__", yay and yay. 9