on some deleted poem
8 Oct 2002, 6:58 AM
The last stanza lets you down in this.
on some deleted poem
20 Oct 2002, 8:09 PM
I thought sonntes were written in Iambic pentametre, which this isn't, the sprung rhythm combines with the obscure language usage amd distracted imagery to make it a difficult read.
on The Waking by Brennan
11 Oct 2002, 5:25 AM
Hi,
I like the fact that this has some rhyme and rhythm, not that that is essential, but it oftens adds well. However there are a number of places where simple adjustments could make improvements.
for example.
The choices made on night before
The choices made the night before
substituting the for on here makes the whole thing more grammatical and flows just as well, thus it is easier on the mind.
I like the fact that this has some rhyme and rhythm, not that that is essential, but it oftens adds well. However there are a number of places where simple adjustments could make improvements.
for example.
The choices made on night before
The choices made the night before
substituting the for on here makes the whole thing more grammatical and flows just as well, thus it is easier on the mind.
on Safe Distance, 10-10-02 by Frass
11 Oct 2002, 5:43 AM
Good, I liked this, though I would take heed of the good advice already given.
on Wednesday's Breaking by poetandknowit
10 Oct 2002, 5:51 AM
Are you sure the alarm will disturb the bird song, or just your appreciation of, surely the birds will keep singing.
The message is fine, but I think the 2nd stanza could do with some work, it is difficult to read presently.
The message is fine, but I think the 2nd stanza could do with some work, it is difficult to read presently.
on song of the birds by rainbow
9 Oct 2002, 8:54 AM
Hi Rainbow,
Is there a reason you have left out the punctuation and capitalisation, they are one of a poet's tools and give you more scope to express yourself if used properly.
The title is a little misleading here, but the experience is real enough, I have been there, it would be a better poem if you had identified the inner shadow more fully, why should you suddenly become selfconciously aware of your aloneness rather than of the forest's beauty. The answer is all in your mind.
Is there a reason you have left out the punctuation and capitalisation, they are one of a poet's tools and give you more scope to express yourself if used properly.
The title is a little misleading here, but the experience is real enough, I have been there, it would be a better poem if you had identified the inner shadow more fully, why should you suddenly become selfconciously aware of your aloneness rather than of the forest's beauty. The answer is all in your mind.
on Possibilities by Nicholas Jones
9 Oct 2002, 7:37 AM
I fail to see how you can write about anything other than that which you know, even a complete fantasy is known in some way by the time it is written.
Ah well that is just me.
Ah well that is just me.
on ITS A SHAMBLES by lukehanney
9 Oct 2002, 7:55 AM
With this club you're not affliated,
This line is an inversion, not really a recommended technique for world shattering poets.
This line is an inversion, not really a recommended technique for world shattering poets.
on some deleted poem
8 Oct 2002, 8:38 PM
I will agree there does seem to be some confilict between the concept and the reality of poetry here, what ever happened to beauty of expression, or depth of meaning, or perhaps both. This is perhaps one of the best I have seen here yet, but it is hardly brilliant.
on some deleted poem
8 Oct 2002, 6:16 AM
Hi,
Not only is it hard to make any sense of, but it is full of typos, it looks as if this is just a first draft to me, perhaps you could polish it a bit for the sake of presentation. I will withold my vote in the hope that you can see your way to edit it a bit. You wouldn't like what I'd say at the moment anyway.
Not only is it hard to make any sense of, but it is full of typos, it looks as if this is just a first draft to me, perhaps you could polish it a bit for the sake of presentation. I will withold my vote in the hope that you can see your way to edit it a bit. You wouldn't like what I'd say at the moment anyway.
on why i look like a man by rosiebailey
8 Oct 2002, 6:19 AM
Do you seriously want me to vote on this.
on some deleted poem
8 Oct 2002, 7:00 AM
All bacteria are single celled, specifying it is redundant
on One Angel Too Many by Queen_Sway
7 Oct 2002, 10:00 PM
Nice idea, but way too wordy for my personal tastes
on some deleted poem
7 Oct 2002, 10:37 PM
Hi Crazi,
Love is a great subject fro a poem, but that means everybody writes about it. To make your poetry worth reading you have to do something special, bland staements like this mean very little to a reader of poetry because they really have very little to offer, you have to offer the reader something new, and as the experience itself is as old as mankind that newness can only come in the expression, something which you haven't evinced here.
As an example take friendship, we all experience friendship, if I wrote
You are a wonderful person.
I love being with you,
you are so beautiful
I cherish every moment with you.
I would have expressed something of friendship, but it is not poetry, if you want to see how I really id it have a look at the poem Friendship which I will post in a minute once I have submitted this
Love is a great subject fro a poem, but that means everybody writes about it. To make your poetry worth reading you have to do something special, bland staements like this mean very little to a reader of poetry because they really have very little to offer, you have to offer the reader something new, and as the experience itself is as old as mankind that newness can only come in the expression, something which you haven't evinced here.
As an example take friendship, we all experience friendship, if I wrote
You are a wonderful person.
I love being with you,
you are so beautiful
I cherish every moment with you.
I would have expressed something of friendship, but it is not poetry, if you want to see how I really id it have a look at the poem Friendship which I will post in a minute once I have submitted this
on Poet's Rest by Brennan
11 Oct 2002, 5:34 AM
I meant dead poets, sorry about the typo.
on Truths by Nicholas Jones
9 Oct 2002, 7:24 AM
I think there should be a comma, if not a semi colon after "thesis bound"
Politics always seemed a lose - lose game to me.
Politics always seemed a lose - lose game to me.