on The Devil's Carnival by Ranger
13 Mar 2006, 11:22 PM
Generally speaking I found it well written, but Crashing down, worried me, it seems just not quite right.
on Numbers In Heaven by Dovina
13 Mar 2006, 11:18 PM
The poem has a certain music to it, but the discussion---don't any of you people have anything else to do?
on Settling in by INTRANSIT
13 Mar 2006, 11:07 PM
hums
and whirrs and tinks a sconce
The two 'ands' stand out a bit unpleasantly,
I would also agree that that the anthropomorphism of the inanimate is a a bit distracting, especially 'adoringly'. It just doesn't seem very floorish, anyway if floors adore anything its plush carpet not the people who walk on it. Perhaps what you really have hear is a temporal throughback from the future, and echoe of the house where every part has its own personality, such as the doors somewhere in The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy
and whirrs and tinks a sconce
The two 'ands' stand out a bit unpleasantly,
I would also agree that that the anthropomorphism of the inanimate is a a bit distracting, especially 'adoringly'. It just doesn't seem very floorish, anyway if floors adore anything its plush carpet not the people who walk on it. Perhaps what you really have hear is a temporal throughback from the future, and echoe of the house where every part has its own personality, such as the doors somewhere in The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy
on Desolation by Beyond_Dreams
13 Mar 2006, 10:58 PM
I think it would be much stronger if you left out the line Because I've matured, the rest is quite nice.
replying on The Tale of Hominus Ominus by Blue Magpie
12 Mar 2006, 11:07 PM
Dear Dovina,
I thought I had implied the causes of Aggapus's problems, with 'brought forth a dream' and 'dallied inthoughts quite unreal' but here is another stanza
he learned about poetry, painting and joy,
and even today he still looks like a boy.
He wandered, unknowing, far out of the world;
as his dreamy illusions of wonder unfurled
he lived like a phantom of ardent belief
too lost in the beauty to see his own grief.
I thought I had implied the causes of Aggapus's problems, with 'brought forth a dream' and 'dallied inthoughts quite unreal' but here is another stanza
he learned about poetry, painting and joy,
and even today he still looks like a boy.
He wandered, unknowing, far out of the world;
as his dreamy illusions of wonder unfurled
he lived like a phantom of ardent belief
too lost in the beauty to see his own grief.
on i want to know how the japanese type by hendrimike
12 Mar 2006, 10:44 PM
Well I don't want to see Brokeback Mountain either, but the poem could do with a little more thought, some rhyme or rhythm, or beautiful language.
on The jessiness of Jess by Bobjim
11 Mar 2006, 11:59 PM
What is 'the jessiness of Jess' in not understanding this the whole poem becomes merely words.
replying on Breakfast by Dhanesh M Kumar
10 Mar 2006, 9:03 AM
And how many Americans have been killed by other Americans, in America during the same time (including car "accidents"), perhaps these statistics aught to be always shown togther, just to help keep people informed of course. Not to mention the other countries. And lets not ask how many people have been murdered in Dafur during the same period.
replying on The Tale of Hominus Ominus by Blue Magpie
10 Mar 2006, 8:52 AM
Yeah, your probably right, it was 'all dried', and I think I had a brain typo when I took it out. Thanks for the comment and the 10.
on Teaching Beetles To Swim by Bobjim
10 Mar 2006, 5:08 AM
The last verse is a little surprising, because thousands of species of beetles already know how to swim, in fact many spend their whole lives swimming.
Apart from this it was funny and well turned out.
Apart from this it was funny and well turned out.
on Last flight of a goose by Bobjim
10 Mar 2006, 5:03 AM
I would have said 'the goose' as this is more emphatic
replying on =, <>, & . . . by Dovina
4 Mar 2006, 4:32 AM
What about the rest of us, or are you just talking to yourself.
on tic toc by skaskowski
4 Mar 2006, 4:27 AM
There is real potential in the first stanza and the first line of the second, but you seem to through it away after that.
on Pelted with stones on the common by Bobjim
1 Mar 2006, 11:29 PM
The ending is a bit weak.
replying on How Well I See by Blue Magpie
1 Mar 2006, 5:18 AM
Writing a villanelle, like a sonnet or a Pantoum, is just a matter of practise and making the effort, naturally the first one or two are a little ropey, but keep going. Kids who can spend three hours a day practising football amaze me when they think they can learn to write good poetry in five minutes.
This is a mixed bag, although easy to relate to,
Try to see the world as I see it through my eyes
This is undoubtedly the worst lne in the poem, You should either say
Try to see the world through me eyes.
or
Try to see the world as I see it.
But given how many people see it similarly you could try
Try and see the world how we see it, etc.
Try to see the world as I see it through my eyes
This is undoubtedly the worst lne in the poem, You should either say
Try to see the world through me eyes.
or
Try to see the world as I see it.
But given how many people see it similarly you could try
Try and see the world how we see it, etc.
on Whalecrack by wlshepherd
1 Mar 2006, 12:27 AM
I must concur with Terbenaw, this appears to have taken 2 minutes to write and has nothing to offer the reader.
on isomers by skaskowski
1 Mar 2006, 12:14 AM
The first stanza is better than the 2nd, but I would really like to see some capitalisation at the beginning of the sentences.