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20 most recent comments by Jill Stockinger (21-40)

Re: Crossing the Mojave by INTRANSIT 1-Jan-21/12:02 PM
Loved the rhythm of this. One jarring word: hobby, broke the vision and feel of the poem.
Re: Today by INTRANSIT 1-Jan-21/12:06 PM
Like how you "make the gloom" (I've gloomed) and it becomes a tangible thing in the room.
Might be stronger if you use a different word to describe a darkening instead of gloomy in the first line.
Re: One liners for the ladies by INTRANSIT 1-Jan-21/12:07 PM
I enjoyed these! Honey works!
Re: Night-mare by INTRANSIT 1-Jan-21/12:08 PM
I like the mystery and suggestion in this. I see her tears as maybe
indicating she feels she is getting older, less lovely with the passage of time. (A window in time is closing).
Re: There is no end by INTRANSIT 1-Jan-21/12:11 PM
grammatical fix: its machine- should not have an apostrophe there. Maybe drop the first exclamation point. Two in a row are too much and actually lessens the impact.
Nice!
Re: Faith by INTRANSIT 1-Jan-21/12:17 PM
again: the word is its here--no apostrophe.
Here is a simple rule of thumb to use to decide if "its" needs an apostrophe or not: If you can SUBSTITUTE
it is, use it's. Otherwise, do not use an apostrophe.
I like the metaphor, that faith is a fire, and how you carry the metaphor through the whole poem.
Re: An Agenda by INTRANSIT 1-Jan-21/12:19 PM
When you wrote extracating- do you mean
extricating or extracting?
The poem is too unclear to me. Whose agenda? What armada?
Re: A soldiers life by closeup 1-Jan-21/12:23 PM
small grammatical fix: soldier's life (use an apostrophe)
soldier's death
I'd use a comma between company and Ted, not a semicolon, which is used to separate 2 complete sentences. I assume Ted is the corpse. The poem does capture strong emotion, and certainly makes a strong point
Re: Frozen beauty by INTRANSIT 1-Jan-21/12:25 PM
I don't know that "looming" fits; loved all the rest of it.
Re: Deranged Sailor: Sea Sickness [revised] by SupremeDreamer 1-Jan-21/6:29 PM
Using end of line rhymes but changing the scheme of the rhyme through the poem does not add to the poem. I would change it so it deliberately does not rhyme except for internal rhymes. You have some lovely lines and images but I do not see it really hanging together. I liked the ending from your original better, I REALLY like the lines "moves the feather/ thinking myself a bird. That is excellent!
Re: Palm Field Park by SupremeDreamer 1-Jan-21/6:39 PM
Learned a new word. Sonance. Thanks! (sound)
A little cliche'd but sweet.
Re: The Call Of Cannons by SupremeDreamer 1-Jan-21/6:40 PM
(petals of love, not pedals, I believe you meant?)
Re: Reason by Dovina 1-Jan-21/6:45 PM
Love the last stanza, the sound matches the actions beautifully
Re: Pencil Dust [revised] by SupremeDreamer 2-Jan-21/1:12 PM
I love some of this! But great lines lose impact when mixed in with cliches. The last stanza is marvelous.
Re: Pencil Dust [revised] by SupremeDreamer 2-Jan-21/1:12 PM
I love some of this! But great lines lose impact when mixed in with cliches. The last stanza is marvelous.
Re: Poetic Soup [revised] by SupremeDreamer 2-Jan-21/5:35 PM
Liked this! (oh- spell cannot as one word...)
Re: Necromancers Song (Incubus Guitar & Buddhist Drums) by SupremeDreamer 2-Jan-21/5:42 PM
moon's midnight (add apostrophe)-
you might consider using "among" the stars or even
"with" the stars- or "along with the winking stars."
Liked winking in there!
liquor's been drained (apostrophe- standing for the liquor has been drained). I really liked "the home where our questionable demeanor was accepted, at times applauded" and felt that was next sadly contradicted by "or draped with scorn"- maybe soften that with- or occasionally draped with scorn? Liked this very much, good capture of a scene- good question at the end!
Re: Some follow marchers- others take time to understand it. by SupremeDreamer 2-Jan-21/5:50 PM
great line: "blood is still a favored paint"
accidental typo in abundant, the "n" was dropped
need an apostrophe in won't-and in poet's in "a poet's work" and in i'm (i'm accustomed)
might be stronger to leave poets out of the first stanza since they are such a strong element in the second stanza. I liked "rainbow wizard in a pointy hat- very cute! Liked this overall, appreciated the point made...
excellent line: emotions have....an abundant supply of lips in motion
Re: A Dreamers Cookery: Cosmic Gardener [edited] by SupremeDreamer 2-Jan-21/5:52 PM
clever!
Re: Serendipity (title suggestions wanted) by SupremeDreamer 2-Jan-21/5:56 PM
Maybe title it Growth?
add an apostrophe to one's in one's mind
loved line: blossom with roots/ entwined deep within the soil--lovely.
really like the last 3 lines.


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