on Another quarter. by richa
17 Apr 2006, 7:49 AM
Other than "scalding" and the pie, ace in my book. Simple in all the best of ways.
on In Ethelâs Honor by Dovina
17 Apr 2006, 7:53 AM
Simple and vivid=good. "Then watched her" in the second verse is a little confusing.
on Skellington Bakery by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
17 Apr 2006, 7:48 AM
A yummy cautionary poeme--most light and flaky (like the fabled Cream-horne of Jesu, I imagine). The footnotes were the cherry on the treat.
on Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins
25 Apr 2006, 9:24 AM
O happy day! I feel almost like I was there (or maybe saw some grainy pictures). Did he wear a corset to sausage his girth into a tux? Did his stays creak as he waddled toward his ace bride?
on Don't touch the chairs in a gay bar. by Stephen Robins
17 Apr 2006, 11:40 AM
What? No votes? Even beardless and guntless, very funny (though not as funny as a "cream-horne of Jesu"--but what is?).
I used "gunt" (the word, not the unsightly appendage) in conversation the other day.
I used "gunt" (the word, not the unsightly appendage) in conversation the other day.
on Gale of Death (Paradelle) by MacFrantic
4 May 2006, 10:10 AM
"Billy Collins claimed that the paradelle was invented in eleventh century France, but he actually invented it himself to parody strict forms, particularly the villanelle. His sample paradelle, "Paradelle for Susan" (c1997), was intentionally terrible, completing the final stanza with the line "Darken the mountain, time and find was my into it was with to to"."
Hee. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradelle
That said, some decent lines in this, but I don't think the form, the repetition for repetition's sake, adds anything to the poem. Also, while I like the wordplay to a point, sometimes the meaning is pretty fuzzy. Probably was fun though. ;)
Hee. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradelle
That said, some decent lines in this, but I don't think the form, the repetition for repetition's sake, adds anything to the poem. Also, while I like the wordplay to a point, sometimes the meaning is pretty fuzzy. Probably was fun though. ;)
on Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT
4 May 2006, 10:16 AM
I likes it! "as they hung"--this threw me off--is someone holding them or are they (as suggested) sort of dangling on the lip? Also, think about dropping "lined with the" ("by their rear legs over the Rubbermaid can, the black maw of a Hefty bag"). Hmmm. maybe. I'm always split on brand-names in poems; on the one hand, I like the detail, on the other hand "Hefty" and "Rubbermaid" are a little distracting. I dunno. Nitpicking. Ending line is ace. Nice work.
on some deleted poem
4 May 2006, 10:02 AM
I like the simplicity of this a lot. I think that the imagery may be a little overstated though, or maybe too literal. Maybe it's that the battlefield and soldier image follow on the heels of "to escape news of the war." I little more obliqueness or subtlety might work as well. I like the last lines a lot. The wheelbarrow (and, to a degree, the simplicity) made me think of The Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams:
so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.
so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.
on some deleted poem
25 Apr 2006, 9:20 AM
Not a bad stream of consciousness; you have a cool way of following random threads to something that smacks of conclusion (even if it really doesn't conclude anything). Not sure how to rate this, really--think it would make a cool poem if you manage to focus its elements into a cohesive whole somehow.
on The Way of Monsters by MacFrantic
25 Apr 2006, 9:14 AM
I love the first line, but the rest of the first verse seems a little high minded for barbarians (quips and angels and the like). Maybe it's too many video games, but I wanted more violence (not necessarily overt).
Second verse--really like the "disguise in crowded colors," the swirling, shadowy melee you invoke--fire and smoke and color and movement. Good stuff, Mac. If you could bring verses one and two closer in feeling/movement, this would be ace.
Second verse--really like the "disguise in crowded colors," the swirling, shadowy melee you invoke--fire and smoke and color and movement. Good stuff, Mac. If you could bring verses one and two closer in feeling/movement, this would be ace.
on I Married an Infectious Woman v.2 (My Love, 'Futility') by DreamerSupreme
25 Apr 2006, 9:17 AM
LOL--well, it's a shit poem, so I have to give the obligatory and only partly ironic 10. ;) Some funny lines. ("Fleshrod" made me snort.) I like the circular ending.
I think this might be stronger without the repetition of "I sleep"--it breaks the flow, IMO. Also, "yesterday's embers" borders on cliche. I think the line "I sleep as a nomad [sleeps] is one of the most interesting and would make a good opener, e.g.:
I sleep as a nomad sleeps,
separating one dawn
from the next,
listlessly tossing, settling
on another day's plain.
Life remains outside,
staining morning , etc.
Of course, that's what I'd do; not necessarily what you'd do, but I do think that cutting some of the extraneous and weaker lines (e.g., the hair and the glaring eyelids) would make this stronger.
Re: dissever versus sever--it's anologous to irregardless versus regardless: No real difference in meaning, and they're all real words, but unless your intent is to jar (and I don't get jarring from the rest of this), "dissever" sort of jerks the reader from the piece. Last line (sentence) might read a little better if it were "from my heavy flesh" (interesting image of branching out from flesh). I assume the "at night" is there to signify that the branching is in the realm of dreams or otherwise sleep-induced? Also, everything seems disassociated from a central focus--what is the sin that divides you into halves? This doesn't seem to have a real hook.
I sleep as a nomad sleeps,
separating one dawn
from the next,
listlessly tossing, settling
on another day's plain.
Life remains outside,
staining morning , etc.
Of course, that's what I'd do; not necessarily what you'd do, but I do think that cutting some of the extraneous and weaker lines (e.g., the hair and the glaring eyelids) would make this stronger.
Re: dissever versus sever--it's anologous to irregardless versus regardless: No real difference in meaning, and they're all real words, but unless your intent is to jar (and I don't get jarring from the rest of this), "dissever" sort of jerks the reader from the piece. Last line (sentence) might read a little better if it were "from my heavy flesh" (interesting image of branching out from flesh). I assume the "at night" is there to signify that the branching is in the realm of dreams or otherwise sleep-induced? Also, everything seems disassociated from a central focus--what is the sin that divides you into halves? This doesn't seem to have a real hook.
on greymo(u)rn by lmp
17 Apr 2006, 11:37 AM
Nicely descriptive, and the lack of narrative (story, whatever) is fine, but while reading it I kept reaching for more of a--well, not a point, exactly, but some sort of earlier payoff. The point seems to be the longing, and I think the last stanza gets there (to that payoff point), but the lead-up is a little too scene-setty for me. I think less of a linear approach might work, e.g., starting off with "it was better before the fog burned off;
at least the mystery of what may be hidden
within was appealing."
The usual disclaimers here.
at least the mystery of what may be hidden
within was appealing."
The usual disclaimers here.
Pulitzer (announced today) for poetry goes to Claudia Emerson for _Late Wife,_ - "Epistolary poems about losing love and finding it again." http://www.nytimes.com/ref/arts/pulitzer
Three poems by Emerson for anyone curious about what Pulitzer Prize winning poetry looks like: http://www.poems.com/threeeme.htm
Three poems by Emerson for anyone curious about what Pulitzer Prize winning poetry looks like: http://www.poems.com/threeeme.htm
on a time of dynamics by Dental Panic
13 Apr 2006, 6:39 AM
Fantastic in every sense of the word, DP.
on some deleted poem
13 Apr 2006, 6:44 AM
The descriptions are elegant and lovely, and there are some terrific lines throughout. Fourth stanza is probably my favorite. Nice.
Math poem fans: "Gregory K. Pincus, a screenwriter and aspiring children's book author . . . wrote a post on his GottaBook blog (gottabook.blogspot.com) two weeks ago inviting readers to write "Fibs," six-line poems that used a mathematical progression known as the Fibonacci sequence to dictate the number of syllables in each line. Then, last Friday, . . . slashdot.org . . . linked to Mr. Pincus's original post, and suddenly, it seemed, Fibs were sprouting all over the Internet."
Story here: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/14/books/
Story here: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/14/books/
on some deleted poem
18 Apr 2006, 7:36 AM
Lovely. Nice sustained imagery throughout it--from hallowed to Gabriel to blessings; the "blessings of spring" and rebirth (lambs and eggs and daffodils, splendor and symmetry. Excellent ending. Nurtured (you're missing the first "r"), and "so excellently" seemed like it's filler for now, could be replaced with something stronger and more exact, maybe. Also, "aerial" makes me think of an antennae--do you mean some kind of fireworks? Maybe another term there? Ah, just nitpicking--I think this is really good overall.
on Semaphores from the Chaos by cyan9
10 Apr 2006, 7:44 AM
I generally like your imagery, cyan, but I always think there's lots you can cut or condense (e.g., "Flash shots of landscapes made from acsii characters"--why not just "Flash shots of ascii landscapes"? "Made from" -- just bleh words, dilutes the image.) Why the shift in tenses (past perfect to simple past) from the first stanza to the rest and back again in the last? Just makes it seem confused. "Alured" is not a word. Still, not bad.
on Random Design by thepinkbunnyofdoom
10 Apr 2006, 7:47 AM
Curtains and seas and wolves, oh my! Ambitious, but comes across a bit pedantic and pseudo-profound (that sounds meaner than I mean it--sorry bunny). I think that with more cohesive imagery and a clearer, more defined focus, this would improve. Still, kudos for takin on the big stuff. You come closest, I think, in the last three stanzas--much to grab onto and identify with.