Re: Darker Days by oneglove	24-Feb-06/6:29 AM
Crikey, where do I begin with this one? I really like this poem, the first and last stanzas shine very brightly for me. 'Caviar dreams' I swear I've seen before, which is a bit of a shame as it detracts slightly from the overall originality of the piece. The same applies to 'bleeding skies'; in my opinion the second stanza could do with a reworking to bring it to the standard of the other two. The final stanza is fantastic, perhaps 'I love you' should be in quote marks? 'Twin sapphires set in snow/Look like a murder scene'. 8 for now, with a rework of stanza two this will be at least a nine.
Re: Revised Dream (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	24-Feb-06/6:01 AM
Okay, I like the idea at the core of this - positive poems are getting rarer by the day. However, when you get into the description it is very cliched and - dare I say it - lacking in a bit of imagination. As some advance warning, the 'love/above' rhyme is certain to lose you marks here (it is possible the most used phrase in the world of poetry, although run close by 'hate/fate'). Also, 'fields of love' really doesn't work. Although I know in a way what you're saying, it's totally nonsensical. Have a listen to 'Fields of Gold' (by the Police, just in case you haven't heard it) for an example of mastery of this sort of imagery. Essentially what I am trying to say here is that this poem will be very good if you can make it original. Read a lot of poetry on here and note all the recurring phrases/rhymes/images. Then avoid them like the plague. Your imagination will do the rest. I look forward to seeing any revisions of this.
Re: a comment on You by terbenaw	24-Feb-06/5:33 AM
Okay, I see you've changed 'velvety' now, I think it works better. Did you alter anything else? Now, you evidently want other people to comment/critique this, but I've had a look at your profile, and if the comment count includes comments on your own works (which I think it does), you've only made 5 comments on poems not by you. If you want others to make the effort on your poems, you have to first give them some feedback - even if it's just to say whether you liked/disliked their poems and why. You don't need to give a full-on analysis of a poem in order for the writer to appreciate you spending the time to look at their work. Right, I'm giving this an 8 because it has some very nice passages and is pretty well structured. I still don't like 'phosphorescent', but I'm sure not everyone will agree with me there. Peace
Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	23-Feb-06/5:12 AM
Wow, that was a long read. I think I should get a prize for finishing it. Seriously though, that's too long for a lot of people; I was switching off towards the end. The message is noble enough but it could have been said in a much more concise manner. The owl man is good, and the dialogue is done fairly well. I do think that you constrain yourself too much with the rhyming scheme - I reckon you could reduce the stanzas to four lines apiece, keeping the choice rhymes, and still achieve the same effect. In all honesty, I am going to have to come back to this later; there's far too much content to comment on in one sitting.
Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	23-Feb-06/4:53 AM
This has some fucking awesome phrases in; the first stanza in particular got me going straight away. It's already been said, but I also think that this is at heart a prose poem - you put in a lot of description which makes it a long read when split into verses. Put together in prose form would make it easier, I think, for the reader to get through the description. Anyway, I have more to say about this but I'm on a friend's laptop at the moment and I find laptops in general bleedin' awkward to use, so when I get home I shall return to this poem.
Re: The Mirror by TLRufener	23-Feb-06/4:44 AM
There's nothing wrong with wanting to put your own feelings/emotions into a poem, but for me particularly a poem is far more appealing without repeated use of 'I/me/my' etc. See if you can find a way of writing this that isn't in the first person - maybe try writing it from the mirror's point of view. Alternatively, my favourite trick is to invent a new point of view - something else in the room watching you, for instance. It just makes it more intriguing for the reader - and also allows for a bit more innovation.
Re: a comment on On Looking Back by Dovina	23-Feb-06/4:39 AM
Yes, I'd agree with Blue Magpie. This is exactly what a limerick should be like though!
Re: Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac	21-Feb-06/3:51 PM
This is fantastic.
Re: Just Desserts (for drnick) by ALChemy	21-Feb-06/3:49 PM
drnick seems to be getting quite a few tributes lately! And well deserved, I might add.
Re: a comment on Eden to Galillee (by Caducus) by Mona Lisa	21-Feb-06/3:45 PM
Okay, so I missed 'the cunt of love' earlier (seems I missed a lot earlier, bah). That doesn't sound like Caducus to me.
Re: Watercolor Fairy by Scarlett	21-Feb-06/8:18 AM
Nice, made me think of the children's story about the elves and the shoemaker, I think. It was a shoemaker, wasn't it? Anyway. Not only do I see the fairy in this dancing round the picture, I also see the artist doing the same during the day - Tesa could easily be a small child as well, giving the picture the sort of imagination that only childhood can (does that make sense?) I love the idea of hues battling for territory, although I'm not sure that 'battle' fits the feel of this piece - maybe something like 'jostle' would work better? Also I'd change 'a dew' to 'like dew' - or even just get leave out 'a'. You get the imagery spot on here.
Re: The chestnut by richa	21-Feb-06/7:55 AM
Man...images of a flagon full of absynthe (my spelling of it, not necessarily right though)...you have one iron liver...
Re: a comment on Empty Chronicles by Scarlett	21-Feb-06/7:47 AM
Yeah, on your poems you can delete any comment you like, elsewhere you can delete your own. Take the chance, you seem like the sort of person who can read criticism without taking offence (unlike a 16 year-old Ranger when he first joined poemranker...) - I promise you will get a lot out of this site!
Re: Eden to Galillee (by Caducus) by Mona Lisa	21-Feb-06/7:42 AM
You haven't really pinched this from Caducus have you? He's written far too much for me to check.
Re: a comment on Sunday i will dream again by Caducus	21-Feb-06/7:40 AM
I must say that the play in the title 'Sunday/someday' just hit me. I need to be a bit less tired when reading Caducus' works. In fact, I think I need to be less tired when reading anyone's works!
Re: a comment on Empty Chronicles by Scarlett	21-Feb-06/7:37 AM
I think you deleted my comment, if by accident then I don't know if anyone's told you that the red 'x' is the delete button, to reply click 'reply' (this sentence doesn't even remotely make grammatical sense...). If you know that already, disregard this poem. I've just seen a lot of people do it by mistake. Post some of your other stuff anyway. People here will always give advice - and take it from me that the experience you get from this site will improve your poetry immeasurably. I had to take a 2 and a half year break from writing to get things right and recover from writer's block, all of a sudden things are starting to fall into place. And if you've written something as good as this, you will write something just as good - if not better - in the future. Welcome to poemranker!
Re: a comment on Sunday i will dream again by Caducus	21-Feb-06/6:46 AM
I knew I should have learned how to read poetry. Looking back over it with your interpretation gave me goosebumps. As such, ignore my first comment, Caducus. This is awesome.
Re: Gunsong by MacFrantic	21-Feb-06/6:38 AM
I've just had a reread of this and I have to admit that 'Alive and frequently mortal' has to be one of my favourite lines on this site. Class.
Re: Sunday i will dream again by Caducus	21-Feb-06/6:18 AM
Damn you Caducus, damn you to poetic injustice, you have presented me with a set of stanzas which individually are worth their weight in gold. But they don't click with each other, the joints are missing here. Each stanza has at least one absolute gem of a line in, it seems to me that you have stanzas from seven different poems put together here though. If I've missed something very important (and it's highly plausible that I have, my brain is somewhat fried right now) tell me and I will alter my reading accordingly. PS since I disappeared from the ranker you started writing some unbelievable stuff; I feel like I missed out!
Re: a comment on lost souls by aamir_trichy	21-Feb-06/6:13 AM
And they are by no means bad lines. I'm just suggesting what I would do if they were *my* lines; if you disagree then that is absolutely fine - I'm not going to tell someone what they have to do in their poems. Write for yourself first and foremost, but when you want to write for other people, listen to what they say.