on some deleted poem
30 Mar 2004, 6:48 AM
Re-read it, second first verse transition is ok. Would prefer surface of (the) sky though.
on Darkness Falls On Tenement Twelve by Mona Lisa
30 Mar 2004, 6:33 AM
First verse is very good, the rest falls apart a bit due to its reliance on abstractions, it also gets a bit self-absorbed.
on I Married an Infectious Woman (My Love, 'Futility') by SupremeDreamer
30 Mar 2004, 6:39 AM
I rather like the refrain 'Where o where is my delusion of power/ that eludes me in this comic and dire hour'
Bits about disease spreading seed are a bit old hat.
Bits about disease spreading seed are a bit old hat.
on A Flower for Monet by Shuushin
30 Mar 2004, 6:42 AM
Very well put together.
on some deleted poem
1 Apr 2004, 4:52 AM
Dissociative identity disorder I think. Often associated with those abused as a child.
The homosexual alter ego - probably how freud would have explained DID. Like on most things he would be wrong.
The homosexual alter ego - probably how freud would have explained DID. Like on most things he would be wrong.
on Jesus-f-ingChrist I'm Sober by embersandenvelopes
1 Apr 2004, 8:05 AM
Like how you got from sheep to where's my drink in one easy step.
on some deleted poem
1 Apr 2004, 8:08 AM
Blood does not puss, it bleeds. Also I do not think you should be ending a line with 'the', twice!
on Finest Hour by creedclay
1 Apr 2004, 8:12 AM
Nature could create a bird flying free. Only man could create the window.
A bit drawn out the sentiment here, you have five lines to say the bird has free will.
A bit drawn out the sentiment here, you have five lines to say the bird has free will.
on hands by New Life Drug
1 Apr 2004, 8:14 AM
The repetition is a bit odd.
Like 'love with the right amount of personification' and pockets in hands'
Like 'love with the right amount of personification' and pockets in hands'
on some deleted poem
1 Apr 2004, 8:35 AM
It reads well of course, but the first line is no good.
'a stay in your mountains' at best it is a crude euphemism.
'a stay in your mountains' at best it is a crude euphemism.
on Astronomical by DeadtotheWorld
1 Apr 2004, 8:38 AM
Could do with being shortened, would help to manage the rhythm.
on Twilight Affair by thepinkbunnyofdoom
1 Apr 2004, 8:48 AM
yes, the bridge line is the best, opera of obscenities is kind of disturbing.
You could always try writing a poeme that did not involve smoking a cigarette.
You could always try writing a poeme that did not involve smoking a cigarette.
on Leaves, hope and dreams by aliena
1 Apr 2004, 9:56 AM
The title reminds me of that panda gangsta book - eats shoots and leaves.
on some deleted poem
5 Apr 2004, 9:48 AM
Dear violetsuede
When you smear my poemes with -4s- and -5s- could you perhaps leave a comment, how else will any of us improve.
P.s. how much do you feel your own poeme to be worth.
When you smear my poemes with -4s- and -5s- could you perhaps leave a comment, how else will any of us improve.
P.s. how much do you feel your own poeme to be worth.
on Are Gays From Uranus by scitz
5 Apr 2004, 9:50 AM
I thought you were religious. It is hell dear boy, hell!
on some deleted poem
6 Apr 2004, 5:14 AM
I'm not sure surrounding words with -___- emphasises them. Rather it stops the poeme dead, as the reader attempts to figure out what you are doing.
on some deleted poem
12 Apr 2004, 1:36 PM
The images need to be tied into something. A central theme or themes. Good though, I can see the horus influence.
Weakened ears? - Only if they have been exposed to loud music. Weakened in the context (morally weakened) does not really apply well to a physical organ.
Using the word bod in a syllable counted form makes me suspicious it is forced.