on some deleted poem
18 Apr 2004, 4:14 AM
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
on self indulgent teenage-style poem needed to spew out. by Roisin
12 Apr 2004, 1:45 PM
nice, but metaphors are supposed to track and flames burning out do not leave poison behind.
on in perspective by That One
13 Apr 2004, 7:00 AM
The capitalisation is odd.
The pace is what you seem to be going for, but it does seem a bit cobbled together.
The pace is what you seem to be going for, but it does seem a bit cobbled together.
on some deleted poem
13 Apr 2004, 7:04 AM
Well put together, one of your best.
on Ballad for a bad Irish accent by zodiac
13 Apr 2004, 7:06 AM
very good, agree with shuushin about s3 though.
on Severed Arm by jessicazee
13 Apr 2004, 7:09 AM
Quite good really, the language could be more punchy, but that is my only criticism.
on The Idea of Fusion at the Beach (After Wallace Stevens) by coffeespoons
17 Apr 2004, 10:53 AM
Well written, has a nice feel. I am left a little confused by the ending. You go from language as fire to language as soft stanzas to language as the wind.
on forgetful dyke by elizabethann
17 Apr 2004, 11:04 AM
It is OK, relating of a fairly meaningless but nevertheless charming story. By the way unless your mum is a soul reever I very much doubt she 'brought you to life'.
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 11:17 AM
Has a pleasant order and precise words. The second verse is not needed I think, I took the first verse as a rhetorical question.
Don't think you need a fourth and fifth verse as they are both answering the same premise (a small mercy remains).
Don't think you need a fourth and fifth verse as they are both answering the same premise (a small mercy remains).
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2004, 1:18 PM
Do you have a stammer? Short term memory problems?
And the simile of verse two is just absurd.
And the simile of verse two is just absurd.
on some deleted poem
18 Apr 2004, 11:38 AM
Ace, its about a child being pushed too high on a swing and falling off right?
on innocent voyeur by nentwined
20 Apr 2004, 1:29 AM
'the faces noeone sees' nope - you see them for a start and I am assuming the situation is public view so so do a lot of other people.
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2004, 4:02 PM
I think you are experimenting with line breaks here. I think the sentences need to be shorter (or perhaps you have just missed out some of the punctuation). As it stands this rambles a bit.
on do androids dream? by nentwined
22 Apr 2004, 6:48 AM
Is didacticism still bad? What is poetry that is not didactic, impartial? Is poetry not creeping didacticism?
I'll give you an -8-, I would give you more if this was decentthoughtranker.com
I'll give you an -8-, I would give you more if this was decentthoughtranker.com
on some deleted poem
24 Apr 2004, 2:55 PM
Goal is quite a harsh, clinical choice of word. Heart or mind - daffodyls?
Heart and mind is a problem. Humans only have a heart and a mind (possibly). So the reader is lead to believe it is the voice of the narrator.
Other than that cute.
Heart and mind is a problem. Humans only have a heart and a mind (possibly). So the reader is lead to believe it is the voice of the narrator.
Other than that cute.
on Lose That Too ! by recherche
27 Apr 2004, 7:52 AM
There is a problem with the valley daffodils and marigolds.
It sounds as though you have just strung a few poeticisms together and hoped it makes sense.
Have you ever seen marigolds on a valley. Really?
It sounds as though you have just strung a few poeticisms together and hoped it makes sense.
Have you ever seen marigolds on a valley. Really?
on Its the same old static & flaccid striptease. by SupremeDreamer
27 Apr 2004, 10:22 AM
'oblivion becomes me' is terrible.
Some decent parts I think. The urge to write bit, the fades into subtelty, the spastic idiocy.
Don't like the misogynism, and you know the response talking about pot gets you.
Some decent parts I think. The urge to write bit, the fades into subtelty, the spastic idiocy.
Don't like the misogynism, and you know the response talking about pot gets you.