on Heather by andrewjthomas
26 Feb 2004, 10:02 AM
Many many stereotypes hold this back. Well written.
on Lifes work by richa
27 Feb 2004, 10:10 AM
(original)
The dumb squirrel has again
tilted the earth
the clod-footed geranium's
ear bends to bedrock,
a boneless body
again to be buried
up to its neck
in soil. Spadework,
the skies stay open.
The dumb squirrel has again
tilted the earth
the clod-footed geranium's
ear bends to bedrock,
a boneless body
again to be buried
up to its neck
in soil. Spadework,
the skies stay open.
on Passion is by fevriere
27 Feb 2004, 10:14 AM
How adorable to read a poeme about passion from one of poemrankers Christian Youth.
(the collapse thing is a bit naff and 'stroke me'?)
(the collapse thing is a bit naff and 'stroke me'?)
on some deleted poem
27 Feb 2004, 1:05 PM
Tell me something I may not know
on Passion is by fevriere
28 Feb 2004, 3:11 AM
The first few lines show a certain potential. 'Outside I am watching and life goes round/ like prose and just as'
The rest is a bit off, but reading the entire submissions of a day. Something like this sticks out.
The rest is a bit off, but reading the entire submissions of a day. Something like this sticks out.
on Looking Outside by etherealmaiden
2 Mar 2004, 5:27 AM
You are on the inside looking out, you see children playing, chasing a lark, cutting themselves, getting over it.
OK anything else?
OK anything else?
on some deleted poem
2 Mar 2004, 5:28 AM
Well written, complete, not much more to say.
on The Lincoln Half by MacFrantic
2 Mar 2004, 5:33 AM
Lines 5,6,7 have no obvious context. Other than that I find this quite cute.
on some deleted poem
2 Mar 2004, 7:08 AM
are you afraid of the dark?
on Early Morning by fevriere
2 Mar 2004, 9:51 AM
If you are going to use punctuation use it the way through.
Needs a comma after insulated in the first verse and why the arbitrariness of capitals.
First verse does not make much sense grammatically.
Quite like the idea, the wisdom of an angel, how your wisdom is the age of your body but they are bodiless.
Needs a comma after insulated in the first verse and why the arbitrariness of capitals.
First verse does not make much sense grammatically.
Quite like the idea, the wisdom of an angel, how your wisdom is the age of your body but they are bodiless.
on some deleted poem
8 Mar 2004, 11:13 AM
The haiku argues ad hoc. You are making the argument against gay marriage in the knowledge that gay people can't procreate. What if they could, would you still disagree, of course you would.
Also to rockmage, it is mastUrbation.
Also to rockmage, it is mastUrbation.
on âIâll Drop You Off At The Next Cornerâ by Blindpoetry
9 Mar 2004, 4:38 AM
The car metaphor or whatever it is is too clumsy and esoteric, and often absurd. You might as well talk about leaving a cake out in the rain and losing the recipe and it taking so long to bake. (MacArthur Park)
Read it out loud 'if you want to stop for food don't ride with me'. You can not write in an angry manner and then talk about stopping off for food.
Read it out loud 'if you want to stop for food don't ride with me'. You can not write in an angry manner and then talk about stopping off for food.
on some deleted poem
9 Mar 2004, 9:04 AM
Couple of points:
1) Science is easy, matters of the heart I have trouble with is quite common to write about. So try to handle it in a refreshing way.
2) If you must talk of science try and be precise with your word choice. Talking about 'things' may appear like you are blathering.
Otherwise well written.
1) Science is easy, matters of the heart I have trouble with is quite common to write about. So try to handle it in a refreshing way.
2) If you must talk of science try and be precise with your word choice. Talking about 'things' may appear like you are blathering.
Otherwise well written.
on some deleted poem
9 Mar 2004, 11:31 AM
OK I'll step in and embarass myself. I don't get it. The first verse is ace, the second verse I get lost, the 'it' does that refer to breath, I can't see anything else. And the picture a bird - is a bird the angler -, an Rorschash test, an axe murderer.
on some deleted poem
10 Mar 2004, 1:53 PM
There is no marriage like a gay marriage, and a gay marriage is no marriage at all. (For now being)
on Woman in the purple cotton jacket(repaired) by INTRANSIT
13 Mar 2004, 11:26 AM
I think what this poeme needs is some arbitrary line breaks. If I may:-
She talks quietly with
the elderly couple,
seeming healthy except
for her rubberized hands:
Small bendable fingers,
look alikes,
no fancy prosthetics,
stainless hooks, or
muscle triggers.
It took both of her hands
to manouevre, the fork
just to pick
a single beet slice.
I paid my bill
and walked outside
to a father
teaching his son
how to skip stones
across the pond.
She talks quietly with
the elderly couple,
seeming healthy except
for her rubberized hands:
Small bendable fingers,
look alikes,
no fancy prosthetics,
stainless hooks, or
muscle triggers.
It took both of her hands
to manouevre, the fork
just to pick
a single beet slice.
I paid my bill
and walked outside
to a father
teaching his son
how to skip stones
across the pond.
on My Boyfriend's Afro Pick by horus8
14 Mar 2004, 4:49 AM
'About how you've worked for your
glorified bona'
-9-
glorified bona'
-9-
on Your silhouette still drinks at my table by Don-Quixote
14 Mar 2004, 6:13 AM
Don't know much about ghazals, think there is something about repetition you may have missed though.
This is good,
I have a small problem with 'didn't need to unlock these chains' which sounds a bit corny and 'vengeance passivity' which sounds babble.
This is good,
I have a small problem with 'didn't need to unlock these chains' which sounds a bit corny and 'vengeance passivity' which sounds babble.
on some deleted poem
16 Mar 2004, 10:45 AM
Lines should not be so long that the reader forgets what word you are trying to rhyme.
Use of the word crimson is a sin!
Use of the word crimson is a sin!