on comment-ary by nentwined
28 Oct 2003, 7:23 AM
could be about poemranker
on leaving by windlessbreez
28 Oct 2003, 7:10 AM
this is too generic, perhaps if you wrote something more creative a title would jump out at you (and the reader).
The style is pretty good/ readable in both your poems I think.
The style is pretty good/ readable in both your poems I think.
on The Right to Life by Retaliate
28 Oct 2003, 7:15 AM
Good, like the flow of the haikus.
They are haiku in spirit as well as syllable.
The argument in the last three verses loses discipline though.
None of those would stand up as a single haiku.
They are haiku in spirit as well as syllable.
The argument in the last three verses loses discipline though.
None of those would stand up as a single haiku.
on some deleted poem
28 Oct 2003, 7:18 AM
penumbrally?
I am in favour of rhyming unusual words but this is ridiculous.
like the idea of her look burning away the shadow
I am in favour of rhyming unusual words but this is ridiculous.
like the idea of her look burning away the shadow
on some deleted poem
29 Oct 2003, 12:03 PM
'the only thing I know how to do/ is keep on keeping on/ like a bird that flew/ tangled up in blue'
Bob Dylan.
At least your influences are getting better.
I think you should try write something that does not rhyme. See where it takes you.
Bob Dylan.
At least your influences are getting better.
I think you should try write something that does not rhyme. See where it takes you.
'Making love to grow a child' is a rather interesting line, seems so unsentimental.
Then 'two peoples hearts grow twice the size' is unabashedly OTT romantic.
Two nice lines but somewhat at odds I think.
The bit about life a single moment is a bit trite, what comes before it does not convince.
Then 'two peoples hearts grow twice the size' is unabashedly OTT romantic.
Two nice lines but somewhat at odds I think.
The bit about life a single moment is a bit trite, what comes before it does not convince.
on The Picture by Butterfly1120
29 Oct 2003, 12:10 PM
Don't just say 'vivid dreams' 'memories flashing.
Tell!
Tell!
on some deleted poem
29 Oct 2003, 12:15 PM
Yes nice flow, reads like a conversation.
Perhaps some of the lines need examining though,
like 'insanity looming close' how would you know?
Perhaps some of the lines need examining though,
like 'insanity looming close' how would you know?
on Tiddles Breathes his Last by scitz
29 Oct 2003, 3:47 PM
Tiddles breathes his last
and then pass-
es out
Cute poem everything a haiku should be I think
and then pass-
es out
Cute poem everything a haiku should be I think
on Burn for Her by josiefiend
30 Oct 2003, 3:19 PM
the subject choice is not original; love fire/fire burns.
But nevertheless I think you writing has quite a lively voice, though somewhat archaic.
But nevertheless I think you writing has quite a lively voice, though somewhat archaic.
on some deleted poem
30 Oct 2003, 3:22 PM
When I was a child, before I could use a keyboard, I used to replace song lyrics with funny alternatives (love/glove).
I sometimes wonder what I would have done had I known of poemranker and being able to type then.
I sometimes wonder what I would have done had I known of poemranker and being able to type then.
on some deleted poem
31 Oct 2003, 6:23 AM
Could be about twins seperated at birth, but meeting in later life.
Could be about two soul mates growing up apart, but destined to be together.
Could be the idea of physical growth versus growth in perception
Could be about two soul mates growing up apart, but destined to be together.
Could be the idea of physical growth versus growth in perception
on exploration of entirety by skaskowski
31 Oct 2003, 6:32 AM
I think the alliteration loses its power as it is overdone.
Stapled/disabled rhyme sounds a bit odd.
I like the second verse, and the third verse (although v3 took a few rereads).
Yep overall pretty good, lively.
Stapled/disabled rhyme sounds a bit odd.
I like the second verse, and the third verse (although v3 took a few rereads).
Yep overall pretty good, lively.
on Small made Large by tadpole
31 Oct 2003, 6:34 AM
Some nice lines 'not even a clark' 'won't fill a cup'
Not sure the poem hangs together though, loose ended like a hydra.
Not sure the poem hangs together though, loose ended like a hydra.
on Thee of most shiny belt buckles by <{Baba^Yaga}>
1 Nov 2003, 8:33 AM
Love the way you lose all the discipline at the end and just blurt out what a twisted wizard he is.
Fine depiction of repression
Fine depiction of repression
on some deleted poem
1 Nov 2003, 12:19 PM
Yes good, the only thing that sticks out as problematic is the use of the word 'aura' which I think lacks a certain precision.
on freewrite~1-10-10/11am by shadowaura
2 Nov 2003, 5:30 AM
cool wordplay
on some deleted poem
3 Nov 2003, 1:35 PM
He never bloody shuts up
on Why...? by muffielouise
9 Nov 2003, 11:14 AM
Through not threw and snapped not snaped.
Could be sheared of redundancies like 'I have to wait'.
Other than that a good effort
Could be sheared of redundancies like 'I have to wait'.
Other than that a good effort
on some deleted poem
9 Nov 2003, 11:18 AM
Steers clear of any kind of analysis which is its weakness.
I like 'lies for love/ lies with him'
I like 'lies for love/ lies with him'