on Nudesflash by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?
16 Oct 2003, 7:19 AM
strippers are old nudes, and that does not bare thinking about
on paint brush by ~ska~
16 Oct 2003, 7:23 AM
like the paint brush theme too, not sure about the decorating cliche stripping off.
Oh yes and rhyming for the sake of it will not impress anyone, and is most likely to take your poem in a direction you do not mean and waste your time.
Oh yes and rhyming for the sake of it will not impress anyone, and is most likely to take your poem in a direction you do not mean and waste your time.
on Kites, Gunpowder, and a Chair by Geschäftsreise
16 Oct 2003, 7:28 AM
Yep like it, especially the way the last line makes everything clear.
A little bit patronising and racist though.
A little bit patronising and racist though.
on Pet Hatreds by Bobjim
16 Oct 2003, 7:37 AM
He'll be back for the nails!
I like this, clever but why did his pet hatreds leave when he bought the nails.
I like this, clever but why did his pet hatreds leave when he bought the nails.
on When I say I'm a 14 yr old girl I mean 75 year old man by Shardik
20 Oct 2003, 9:14 AM
especially like that someone pretending to be a 14 yr old girl and suggesting someone to 'pull on my whiskers'
Reminds me of little red riding hood.
Reminds me of little red riding hood.
on 3am by Nicholas Jones
23 Oct 2003, 7:47 AM
Not much to add to that, very good observation
on falling in with the wrong crowd. by richa
23 Oct 2003, 6:40 AM
About people having a basic humanity to themselves behind the diktats of the environment (a metaphor)
Wanted to put a bit about a senile old woman (always looking into the light to carry on the metaphor). And how she would look after cats or the like though she had no memory of why.
Wanted to put a bit about a senile old woman (always looking into the light to carry on the metaphor). And how she would look after cats or the like though she had no memory of why.
on Autumn At All Saints Church by Caducus
23 Oct 2003, 6:52 AM
Like the line 'sun hangs like salem heretics'
Especially with the church theme, not so much an image I guess as a comment.
'Am I trespassing on God' is a nice comment to explore(perhaps a bit more).
The images though good are rather arbitrary.
Word choice I think should make the reader ask why you included certain details and not others, and should strike deep at the meaning of the poem.
Definitely a poem with merit though.
Especially with the church theme, not so much an image I guess as a comment.
'Am I trespassing on God' is a nice comment to explore(perhaps a bit more).
The images though good are rather arbitrary.
Word choice I think should make the reader ask why you included certain details and not others, and should strike deep at the meaning of the poem.
Definitely a poem with merit though.
on some deleted poem
23 Oct 2003, 6:57 AM
my contribution was 'a' by the way horus
not sure who came up with dustman.
not sure who came up with dustman.
on Behind My Blue Eyes (rough draft) by Mona Lisa
23 Oct 2003, 7:03 AM
Using the word soul is too abstract, you can not expect the reader to understand your conception of it.
Beautiful on the surface/but if you swim in me....
the following should be why you are not beautiful, not about caressing islands.
I think carress islands should come before 'but if you swim in me'
It is a rough draft, but I would not comment if I thought it was meritless, I think you have some nice images and although the idea is a bit worn I'm sure you can polish it up a bit.
Beautiful on the surface/but if you swim in me....
the following should be why you are not beautiful, not about caressing islands.
I think carress islands should come before 'but if you swim in me'
It is a rough draft, but I would not comment if I thought it was meritless, I think you have some nice images and although the idea is a bit worn I'm sure you can polish it up a bit.
on some deleted poem
23 Oct 2003, 7:07 AM
Its good but I think a little over-elaborate.
If the reader can appreciate punchy language and still the plot this would be a very good poem.
If the reader can appreciate punchy language and still the plot this would be a very good poem.
on some deleted poem
23 Oct 2003, 7:10 AM
whimsical with the faeries yes, but quite cute
'A mass grave of ended calm expression'
is my favourite line
'A mass grave of ended calm expression'
is my favourite line
on My Time by J.B. Manning
23 Oct 2003, 7:11 AM
cancers are not like a tumour they are a tumour if they are in the brain.
on some deleted poem
23 Oct 2003, 8:01 AM
'And everything grows clear yet wavering.
like when we were long ago for the first time.
Swimming.'
Is an ace metaphor.
Like this, it does seem kind of european, the music, roots/truth, glad you used fever as a portal rather than diving right in with lots of abstracts.
like when we were long ago for the first time.
Swimming.'
Is an ace metaphor.
Like this, it does seem kind of european, the music, roots/truth, glad you used fever as a portal rather than diving right in with lots of abstracts.
on Three Fall by <~>
24 Oct 2003, 12:55 AM
'And I wonder
if the thunder I hear now
is memory or premonition.'
Is beautifully put as is the opener
if the thunder I hear now
is memory or premonition.'
Is beautifully put as is the opener
on every moment will soon be memory by calliope
24 Oct 2003, 11:41 AM
Nice idea, you can hear the pensive voice in the last three words
on some deleted poem
27 Oct 2003, 12:27 PM
shorter and fiddled a bit more.
on some deleted poem
28 Oct 2003, 6:59 AM
A bit confused whether this is about shearing and neutering, or just killing the cow and selling it on.
Anyway I think I get the point.
Comparing it to graduation(human) is quite cute and thought provoking.
Perhaps the end is a bit drawn out though.
Once you work out it is about cattle - that should be the end.
Anyway I think I get the point.
Comparing it to graduation(human) is quite cute and thought provoking.
Perhaps the end is a bit drawn out though.
Once you work out it is about cattle - that should be the end.