on Love (pyramus and thisbe) by New Life Drug
9 Nov 2003, 11:22 AM
Reads well, but the theme is a little ubiquitous.
on A heart without keys by sliver
9 Nov 2003, 1:14 PM
Last line sounds a bit porn filmish.
on some deleted poem
11 Nov 2003, 7:41 AM
Shame you couldn't include 2/4/22 what.
I pictured it as a dog kennel for some reason, still I think the point is the same (kind of)
I pictured it as a dog kennel for some reason, still I think the point is the same (kind of)
on As I sit alone by baby_d
11 Nov 2003, 7:50 AM
Try something to connect the reader, not a cliche, cliches have long since lost their evocative power.
Many people have written poems like this, give or take a few words here and there. Why should we like yours?
Many people have written poems like this, give or take a few words here and there. Why should we like yours?
on some deleted poem
11 Nov 2003, 7:52 AM
last three lines don't add much, but good, an attempt at some kind of thought.
on submission to decay by FreeFormFixation
11 Nov 2003, 7:57 AM
No need for the double line breaks.
I like some of the description, perhaps the analysis needs to be a bit deeper than 'the world is going to end, it is all our fault'.
I like some of the description, perhaps the analysis needs to be a bit deeper than 'the world is going to end, it is all our fault'.
on How It Is by heartlessempath
11 Nov 2003, 11:04 AM
You seem to have what you want to say worked out. How about the use of poetic means to convince the reader.
on Miss You, Love by heartlessempath
11 Nov 2003, 11:06 AM
Opium is not sweet it is a narcotic, it is dreamy yes.
on My Queen by heartlessempath
11 Nov 2003, 11:09 AM
'That every move, gesture, connotation and
Inflection is calculated, ingenuine'
Interesting, seemed to stick out. So much of what we do is following patterns instinctually. Saying hello etc.
Inflection is calculated, ingenuine'
Interesting, seemed to stick out. So much of what we do is following patterns instinctually. Saying hello etc.
on some deleted poem
12 Nov 2003, 1:51 PM
Prefer the second, can't seem to get the flow of the first.
Some of the seconds short rhymes really push the poem along.
Something that struck, 'seldom made' vs 'are rare' one conclusion infers some kind of natures plan, the other something more random.
Some of the seconds short rhymes really push the poem along.
Something that struck, 'seldom made' vs 'are rare' one conclusion infers some kind of natures plan, the other something more random.
on some deleted poem
12 Nov 2003, 1:58 PM
Not bad, not sure about the first verse. Where does the melody come from, where does the melody go when it is transposed.
on Call Vegas!!! by INTRANSIT
12 Nov 2003, 2:08 PM
At first this made sense, then the bit about 3 women to one man confused me, then I thought
the chance of a man holding a position of superiority is 1 in 4 (out of four people one will be a man).
One person holding the given position equates to victory for men everywhere.
Not sure I believe the figures by the way, women outnumber men the most in wartorn countries where the men go out to fight, on the whole.
Anyway an interesting little puzzle at any rate.
the chance of a man holding a position of superiority is 1 in 4 (out of four people one will be a man).
One person holding the given position equates to victory for men everywhere.
Not sure I believe the figures by the way, women outnumber men the most in wartorn countries where the men go out to fight, on the whole.
Anyway an interesting little puzzle at any rate.
on some deleted poem
13 Nov 2003, 5:36 AM
Like the repetition of strange and strangers. The first time the line is mentioned it sounds interesting but confusing, then it is built up.
I think this is the best way to use repetition.
I think this is the best way to use repetition.
on some deleted poem
13 Nov 2003, 5:43 AM
good poem, don't agree with a word of it.
on some deleted poem
13 Nov 2003, 7:45 AM
any good?
Worth running with, I was thinking about taking the role of the submissive vs actor in nature to add to it.
Worth running with, I was thinking about taking the role of the submissive vs actor in nature to add to it.
on some deleted poem
13 Nov 2003, 11:47 AM
Glad you have found somewhere to express yourself where you will not get a good kicking;
on some deleted poem
13 Nov 2003, 1:28 PM
I have added a comma,
'rain-water, thin as sheen'
So as not to describe the grass as rain water thin, but the rain water as sun sheen thin.
'rain-water, thin as sheen'
So as not to describe the grass as rain water thin, but the rain water as sun sheen thin.
on some deleted poem
14 Nov 2003, 7:35 AM
parts of this are a little prosaic, but you save the best till the last. Pulling rank on the god of vengeance, nice one.
on The Ode of Human Life by ShaNoN+960317485
14 Nov 2003, 7:39 AM
I like the way you get this poem to flow out of such long lines.
The only pick is that it is a little too eclectic in the images it throws in rather than building up a central metaphor.
The only pick is that it is a little too eclectic in the images it throws in rather than building up a central metaphor.