on some deleted poem
6 Feb 2006, 4:48 AM
Why isn't this about muslims.
on Where the Hell Did I Put My Glasses? by Joe-joe
19 Jan 2006, 1:56 PM
A bit pedestrian. The language needs to be punchier, interesting.
on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan
6 Feb 2006, 4:56 AM
goldfish contemplates raindrops
on an autumn pond. (13 syllables) I have saved you four syllables to say something interesting.
on an autumn pond. (13 syllables) I have saved you four syllables to say something interesting.
on some deleted poem
6 Feb 2006, 4:47 AM
Doesn't need a title, it's a haiku. 'The' is a wasted syllable in the first line. 'deep' is a bit of a waste too.
on Tonight (edit) by drnick
6 Feb 2006, 7:53 AM
Are you the doctor nick that deals with boys problems by prescribing them your book 'how to live with a willy'.
on some deleted poem
5 Feb 2006, 3:19 PM
Chilling.
on some deleted poem
6 Feb 2006, 5:03 AM
I don't know what the first two lines are all about or why they have become detached from the rest of the text which by the way is rather good.
on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan
6 Feb 2006, 8:05 AM
By the way you should learn what a haiku is, that and a metaphor.
on Memoirs of a miners son by Caducus
8 Feb 2006, 3:14 AM
Very good. Anvil eyed needs a hyphen or the anvil is doing the eying. Davy lamp doesn't need quotation marks, and is a much more relevant and precise image than hero's sword. The details give it pathos and I think it benefits from not being overloaded with adjectives.
on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan
6 Feb 2006, 2:50 PM
It looks more like a haiku. Haikus demand economy. They often have two images the second cutting across the first. They have no message as such. They are sensory. If you think you have some interesting wisdom do an epigram.
on time (3rd draft) by Adriaan
6 Feb 2006, 4:54 AM
Is this about how one of the dimensions of the universe is visible only to goldfish. If so I agree.
on Tonight (edit) by drnick
6 Feb 2006, 7:52 AM
If the desert swallows rain, where is its throat and more importantly itsstomach and bum.
on Whales in Gastineau Channel by zodiac
6 Feb 2006, 3:10 PM
Isn't it more fragile (I know you put in fragiler for a reason but I am at a loss, other than to make the poem more idiosyncratic, what that reason is). And the last sentence doesn't do it. There is no need to talk of your ache, it is inferred by your opposition to 'something always fragiler'. I think the poem would end better keeping on the theme of others yen for fragility. Then don't touch it. The details are fine.
on I Heart You by Enkidu
6 Feb 2006, 2:51 PM
Does the narrator have Parkinson's.
on My Fatherâs World by Dovina
10 Feb 2006, 3:11 PM
When I first read this the voice in my head was reading with a whisper and I missed that it was rhymed in an aa bb manner. On second read I heard it and it seems kind of pointless. This is not written in couplets after all.
Other than that this is a fine poem. It is devoid of your usual pretention and that is why we continue to argue with you. At the back of our minds we think 'yeah, she talks ass, but in time she'll reflect on our advice and realise we were correct'. It makes it all worth while for me.
Other than that this is a fine poem. It is devoid of your usual pretention and that is why we continue to argue with you. At the back of our minds we think 'yeah, she talks ass, but in time she'll reflect on our advice and realise we were correct'. It makes it all worth while for me.
on Racial Hate by Glasseyez
11 Feb 2006, 4:47 AM
I read that in tests if you place a blanket over the face of a mongoloid baby it sits there placidly. If you put the blanket over the face of a caucasoid baby it gently stirs. If you put the blanket over the face of a negroid baby it throws the blanket off and shoots you with his oozie. I therefore conclude that your poem is factually inaccurate and written by a dimwit. :(
on some deleted poem
14 Feb 2006, 12:33 PM
Having frightened and scared of Spain is inelegant as they pretty much mean the same thing. The last line I like the idea but warmed darkness doesn't make sense. Warmed stone? maybe not. Ohter than that good.
on Happy 40th Anniversary by Dovina
14 Feb 2006, 12:50 PM
'Of what fabric are wishes made?' is a punchy line to start with but you make no attempt to elucidate.
It can't be ascertained why you sneer so much.
To start a thing is vague and quite clunky.
The middle of the poem is unarresting.
Death refrain is an interesting use of language.
Good to say we've come a long way is a decent idea.
I just think the poem needs more meat in the place of the cliches of wilderness, anniveraries pass etc.
It can't be ascertained why you sneer so much.
To start a thing is vague and quite clunky.
The middle of the poem is unarresting.
Death refrain is an interesting use of language.
Good to say we've come a long way is a decent idea.
I just think the poem needs more meat in the place of the cliches of wilderness, anniveraries pass etc.