replying on Solid Understanding by Dovina
12 Aug 2004, 5:52 AM
I am not particularly well versed in verse. My advice should always be superceded by someone who has studied poetry in some form or another. I get my knowledge from the prefaces of poetry books/ hatrack/ the odd philosophy module at uni/ reading criticism on here and eratosphere etc.
on farmer's market by fair12
12 Aug 2004, 5:41 AM
Well written, loses it a bit at the end 'souls' and 'markers' seems a touch vague.
on Solid Understanding by Dovina
6 Aug 2004, 6:34 AM
1) 'simplest'
2) mimic and parrot mean the same thing
3) Not sure the second verse follows on so well from 'non of it true'
4) If someone changes expression it is immediately lost, that is a truism not a fear.
2) mimic and parrot mean the same thing
3) Not sure the second verse follows on so well from 'non of it true'
4) If someone changes expression it is immediately lost, that is a truism not a fear.
on Mike Pike!! by DR Limerick
6 Aug 2004, 6:27 AM
'not wanting to linger/he stuck in his finger' sounds better.
on Wednesday's Breaking by poetandknowit
20 Jul 2004, 4:31 AM
This poem would be ten times better if something more imaginitive had happened causing you to be in her arms.
replying on The Two Temperaments of Man by dougsoderstrom
19 Jul 2004, 2:29 PM
I was thinking of crediting doug with such myself. But on balance I think it is just the vagueness of his language.
on Poor Unwritten Rabbit by Dovina
19 Jul 2004, 2:25 PM
Use prepositions or punctuation in the first verse, or this:-
'ee Bombling breet par facien eeepeee'
becomes this:-
'brazque gumprij ist wozzeling kumwa raosicon nebluspi
mit cucheen ij bloot.'
'ee Bombling breet par facien eeepeee'
becomes this:-
'brazque gumprij ist wozzeling kumwa raosicon nebluspi
mit cucheen ij bloot.'
replying on The Two Temperaments of Man by dougsoderstrom
19 Jul 2004, 2:07 PM
'The pig and the porcupine
I sat on it
it made a noise.'
Is this intriguing because you are unable to ascertain what I sat upon?
I sat on it
it made a noise.'
Is this intriguing because you are unable to ascertain what I sat upon?
on Southern Mississippii Standstill by wilco
16 Jul 2004, 1:32 PM
Very pretty, like the feign of line two to three on the first verse. No need for full stops after each verse.
on Ode to the Bun by JaneDC
14 Jul 2004, 1:32 PM
Pleasant enough sounds.
on MR Blobby V bill and ben by MR Blobby
14 Jul 2004, 12:53 PM
yes, 'flob alob flob weeeed' is my favourite bit of bill and ben gibberish too.
on Tweenager, they're called now. by fevriere
10 Jul 2004, 2:24 PM
"Thus is more than you can aim unto," Is a strange thing to say for a tweenager. Must have been watching Dawson's creek I guess.
I get the feeling of someone moving into young adulthood. There is apprehension in 'make a wanton of me' (I am guessing you use wanton in its precise sense of unchaste).
The relationship between the tweenager and the narrator is unclear. The same person, a younger sister maybe.
There is an elegance in the poem, a clear progression and a certain feeling of reflection. Very good.
I get the feeling of someone moving into young adulthood. There is apprehension in 'make a wanton of me' (I am guessing you use wanton in its precise sense of unchaste).
The relationship between the tweenager and the narrator is unclear. The same person, a younger sister maybe.
There is an elegance in the poem, a clear progression and a certain feeling of reflection. Very good.
on Innocence Having Been Lost by dougsoderstrom
10 Jul 2004, 2:08 PM
So you have a problem with islamic terrorists and christians dropping cluster bombs and people dying and that members of the army do what they are told.
Big whoop.
Big whoop.
replying on Recycled Stardust by Quarton
8 Jul 2004, 10:49 AM
I criticised writing poems about science, poems are about image and surface, not about models.
replying on Recycled Stardust by Quarton
8 Jul 2004, 6:39 AM
I have always said there is no such thing as absolute truth. There is no contradiction between that and saying usefullness is a matter for pragmatics. A model is a model not because it is useful, something is useful because it is useful.
replying on Recycled Stardust by Quarton
8 Jul 2004, 5:37 AM
'When scientists believed in Newtonian physics, it was still the case that 'reality' behaved in a Quantum-like manner.'
is probably not the best way to say:
'The point I was trying to make was that reality (as any sane person understands its definition) hasn't changed; only our means of modelling it have.'
As a member of a poetry site one would think you would work harder on your articulation.
is probably not the best way to say:
'The point I was trying to make was that reality (as any sane person understands its definition) hasn't changed; only our means of modelling it have.'
As a member of a poetry site one would think you would work harder on your articulation.
on Mm, Shoes... ? by fevriere
8 Jul 2004, 4:41 AM
A bit heavy in adjectives especially the opening line.
Could do with a bit more happening with them e.g my pidgeon toes creep..., my bird-narrow eyes watch... etc.
From line four onwards this is pretty good.
Could do with a bit more happening with them e.g my pidgeon toes creep..., my bird-narrow eyes watch... etc.
From line four onwards this is pretty good.