on some deleted poem
4 Mar 2003, 10:45 AM
yeah, verily. you have struck upon it. voices. i hear voices.
on Weep for Dead Heroes by Tascobar
26 Feb 2003, 8:39 PM
ew.
on balthazar by UnityMitford
28 Feb 2003, 11:17 AM
well, my old pal, i see what you are saying here, and i'll not lend you my box matches, nor let you siphon my gasoline!!! i may need them myself, and nothing makes me happier than a gigantic FIRE!!!!!
on some deleted poem
28 Feb 2003, 11:24 AM
all i have to say is:
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
etc.
(it was supposed to be ten times, since that's all the rage around here, but i ran out of Natty, and have to grab another 30 pack before my man gets home. one black eye is enough, don't you think?)
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
this is some fucked up shit
etc.
(it was supposed to be ten times, since that's all the rage around here, but i ran out of Natty, and have to grab another 30 pack before my man gets home. one black eye is enough, don't you think?)
on Crucifixion by Mr Pig
26 Feb 2003, 8:37 PM
two nits:
wine saturated the sponge;
you seem to be implying that judas dined on holy bread that evening.
wine saturated the sponge;
you seem to be implying that judas dined on holy bread that evening.
on Resurrection (for Gods Wife) by Mr Pig
26 Feb 2003, 8:37 PM
lowercase s in shelters, please.
on Dolly was a damn fine lamb by <{Baba^Yaga}>
26 Feb 2003, 8:38 PM
bleats. baa. baa. bah!
on Whales by Jeremi B. Handrinos
26 Feb 2003, 8:39 PM
S3 is way out of place, h.
on Harry Potter and the philosophers stone by ==Doylum
26 Feb 2003, 8:40 PM
my cup runneth. over.
on some deleted poem
26 Feb 2003, 8:46 PM
nicely done
on some deleted poem
27 Feb 2003, 8:22 AM
an imbalance of water and fire in this poem drowns it. get some air, and look at it, fresh.
on Extra Strength Tylenol by DurtKL
4 Mar 2003, 11:02 AM
you need a colon or the word "were" after "Her symptoms"; i'd recommend the colon, and deleting "Yet," and "So," to tighten it.
on Mens Cocks Have No Style by spank me baby yeah
4 Mar 2003, 10:51 AM
your tone changes between "there he fell' and "Is that cocks have no style'. be consistent! also: men's--apostrophe.
line "Cocks are so ugly," is unnecsessary; explicate instead of tell.
first few lines--metaphor is outstanding.
line "Cocks are so ugly," is unnecsessary; explicate instead of tell.
first few lines--metaphor is outstanding.
on The Guardian, page nineteen by Nicholas Jones
4 Mar 2003, 10:48 AM
nice one.
why not "life and death--same page"
for proper syllabel count? why break form, without purpose?
why not "life and death--same page"
for proper syllabel count? why break form, without purpose?
on some deleted poem
4 Mar 2003, 10:15 AM
i guess the act of writing is a defiance of pessimism? i don't know.
the musicians are drinking there too; and the painters, the gardeners, the doctors. let the poet here be everyman, crying:
no one can take this rosary from me; words are my cross and my salvation.
the musicians are drinking there too; and the painters, the gardeners, the doctors. let the poet here be everyman, crying:
no one can take this rosary from me; words are my cross and my salvation.
on some deleted poem
27 Feb 2003, 8:19 AM
Well done.
one misspelling: reparing: unless you meant they were shaving it down again, it should be repairing.
one misspelling: reparing: unless you meant they were shaving it down again, it should be repairing.
is this a fetish of yours? won't you let me in? (i'm not a chap. erg.)