on To those that would teach poetry by INTRANSIT
10 Mar 2005, 10:21 AM
It's->Its (confused me first read)
Interesting, though.
Not gelling for me.
Interesting, though.
Not gelling for me.
replying on A Blind Child Speaks by Grandma
9 Mar 2005, 10:48 PM
"O I can see so many things / YOU may not see at all"
"Perhaps He meant for me to see / What other people miss!"
is the only direct repetition, but I suppose more what I wanted to say was something along the lines of--
You use an awful lot of words to say not so much. I understand that happens often when going for a cute tone, and I'm just as guilty of it sometimes, but it really doesn't work for me, here.
Like watching a child skip along the road, where they trip over their shoelaces every other step.
It might help if you hypothesized a few things that other people miss--not to the extent of a laundry list, but something more than "I know something you don't know! I know something you don't know!"
Perhaps.
"Perhaps He meant for me to see / What other people miss!"
is the only direct repetition, but I suppose more what I wanted to say was something along the lines of--
You use an awful lot of words to say not so much. I understand that happens often when going for a cute tone, and I'm just as guilty of it sometimes, but it really doesn't work for me, here.
Like watching a child skip along the road, where they trip over their shoelaces every other step.
It might help if you hypothesized a few things that other people miss--not to the extent of a laundry list, but something more than "I know something you don't know! I know something you don't know!"
Perhaps.
replying on Recognition by nentwined
9 Mar 2005, 7:45 PM
Did you change your mind, or did you mean a bookmark? ((as opposed to the poemranker's "favorites" functionality))
Just checking. ;)
Thanks. :)
Just checking. ;)
Thanks. :)
replying on Poet, Earth mover by INTRANSIT
9 Mar 2005, 7:42 PM
Ah, I'm getting you a lot more, now.
I like the idea. :)
I want to play with it myself, but will refrain until some inspiration strikes that allows me different words to rearrange.
I like the idea. :)
I want to play with it myself, but will refrain until some inspiration strikes that allows me different words to rearrange.
replying on A Nation by the_poetess
9 Mar 2005, 4:23 PM
Nearly a decade of active practice on that, and I still hit the wrong tone sometimes. :)
Often on the ranker it's hard to tell whether someone's just taking a piss and waiting for you to try to take them too seriously.
Often on the ranker it's hard to tell whether someone's just taking a piss and waiting for you to try to take them too seriously.
replying on Poet, Earth mover by INTRANSIT
9 Mar 2005, 3:41 PM
What, in 100 words or less, were you trying to get at with the portent of playing tether ball and four square? :)
And what is a "hot walk"?
And what is the idea, here, really? :)
And what is a "hot walk"?
And what is the idea, here, really? :)
replying on knowledge building on knowledge by nentwined
9 Mar 2005, 3:39 PM
more poetry. I'll see what I can do. :)
Other questions going back to the other thread. ;)
Other questions going back to the other thread. ;)
replying on A Nation by the_poetess
9 Mar 2005, 3:18 PM
The first part is a more interesting approach; the last bit is both preachier and more generic.
The first part is simple, but that works well for it; large ideas are often better told from a childlike point of view. :)
The first part is simple, but that works well for it; large ideas are often better told from a childlike point of view. :)
on A Nation by the_poetess
9 Mar 2005, 3:03 PM
Definitely one of your better posts; I'd cut it after "Vesuvius". I think it would be rather good if you cut it after "Vesuvius", actually. :)
on Today, last year was on a Sunday by thepinkbunnyofdoom
9 Mar 2005, 2:55 PM
cute. the beginning was a bit commonplace, and the middle dragged; the ending then felt rushed. I suppose the main complaint is that this is a laundry list, and those are nearly impossible to give substance too, even when this is entirely a story as well. I think you rely too much on the form, here.
on Snow Sucks by JoyLuck
9 Mar 2005, 2:49 PM
I like the waves, but I don't really see it as snow, sucking or otherwise.
Cute, but not a pipe.
Cute, but not a pipe.
replying on genious by the_poetess
9 Mar 2005, 2:40 PM
Utterly. :)
on Striking minds by celticskatermatt1
9 Mar 2005, 1:57 PM
"Blow the man down, bullies, blow the man down;
Way ay - blow the man down,
O Blow the man down in Liverpool town.
Give me some time to blow the man down. "
Sorry, doesn't work for me.
Way ay - blow the man down,
O Blow the man down in Liverpool town.
Give me some time to blow the man down. "
Sorry, doesn't work for me.
on genious by the_poetess
9 Mar 2005, 1:53 PM
While it's a sentiment that wouldn't hurt to cram into a daily "why am I?" session, this talked about the situation from outside of it too much; make me feel how this thought applies directly to your life--grip me with context, colors, sights, smells, tastes...
replying on genious by the_poetess
9 Mar 2005, 1:49 PM
_I_ am... What are you implying? :P
on Poet, Earth mover by INTRANSIT
9 Mar 2005, 1:14 PM
I don't get the use of "portentously" here, though I like how it rolls. [[what portent does this state?]]
nor "a hot walk", which rolls less well repeated
piece doesn't gel for me, though I really like the individual bits not mentioned, individually.
nor "a hot walk", which rolls less well repeated
piece doesn't gel for me, though I really like the individual bits not mentioned, individually.
replying on knowledge building on knowledge by nentwined
9 Mar 2005, 1:09 PM
More than a haiku, or just more?
Most of my "writing" has been fiction, of late; poetry happens when it moves me, or falls out of some orifice I didn't properly shut. ((Hmm. Never pictured my fingertips as an orifice before; odd. That's where poetry comes from. ;) ))
Thanks for the comment :)
Most of my "writing" has been fiction, of late; poetry happens when it moves me, or falls out of some orifice I didn't properly shut. ((Hmm. Never pictured my fingertips as an orifice before; odd. That's where poetry comes from. ;) ))
Thanks for the comment :)
on A Blind Child Speaks by Grandma
9 Mar 2005, 12:28 PM
Sweet, but the meter falls apart reducing its charm, and the repetition doesn't seem to have much point.
trickle
trick--
le
maybe?
just trying to drip the thoughts down, ish.