on which girl are you? by OMOMOMOM
15 Sep 2009, 8:38 PM
eh, cutesy but not really interesting.
replying on tone-deaf or color-blind by nentwined
11 Mar 2009, 8:30 PM
er, right--the audio. Linked @ http://kaolinfire.livejournal.com/441148
on tone-deaf or color-blind by nentwined
11 Mar 2009, 8:29 PM
I've been poeming a lot since ... last Friday, I think. I hit on a new voice in a few of them, and I'm trying to figure that out--but in the meantime, thoughts seem to be wanting to express themselves in this form. This is a thought, not something that's looking for publication, so it's not hidden for future re-working.
In fact, as I'm listening to some beautiful YouTube mash-ups [[ http://thru-you.com/ ]] by a person named (or calling himself) Kutiman, I'd love to create some sort of dialog out of it.
So: I hereby release the poem and its accompanying audio into the public domain; if you see some promise in either, do with them as thou wilt.
And I'd love to know what you think. :) I'm particularly unhappy with s3--I don't think it says what it needs to, but my thoughts started to falter (and my rhythm, though a part of me hopes that works ;) ). And perhaps I don't explore the metaphor (if it's really a metaphor) enough in the first two stanzas... and the fear is important, but I just touch on it (that was supposed to be the core as much as the "sounds", but it didn't go that way).
In fact, as I'm listening to some beautiful YouTube mash-ups [[ http://thru-you.com/ ]] by a person named (or calling himself) Kutiman, I'd love to create some sort of dialog out of it.
So: I hereby release the poem and its accompanying audio into the public domain; if you see some promise in either, do with them as thou wilt.
And I'd love to know what you think. :) I'm particularly unhappy with s3--I don't think it says what it needs to, but my thoughts started to falter (and my rhythm, though a part of me hopes that works ;) ). And perhaps I don't explore the metaphor (if it's really a metaphor) enough in the first two stanzas... and the fear is important, but I just touch on it (that was supposed to be the core as much as the "sounds", but it didn't go that way).
replying on Dream Samurai by Lifeboatman
10 Mar 2009, 7:05 PM
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I see. :) It all makes a lot more sense now.
on My Thoughts by amanda_dcosta
9 Mar 2009, 11:20 AM
I really don't get what you're trying to convey here. Ditto Blindpoetry, really. Do you know too much or too little? Or if that's the basis of your conundrum, help me realize that better.
Comes off as pretentious and empty.
Comes off as pretentious and empty.
replying on brain cookies by nentwined
7 Mar 2009, 3:14 PM
I look forward to your Shit-Crumpet ode with great anticipation!
replying on Behind Closed Doors by Spirit52
6 Mar 2009, 9:22 AM
I think I want to have a hint as to what's being concealed, perhaps--or maybe this is just a comment in general? The more I try to prise apart, though, as redundant, the more everything seems to need to be there... so I don't know, really. :)
on Going to Michigan for the weekend by <~>
6 Mar 2009, 7:38 AM
That's great. I kind of wish the title was just "someplace to go" or something like...
replying on Final Dates, part 1: through gates of smoke and salt by Bill Z Bub
6 Mar 2009, 7:35 AM
bah, and fie on regret!
replying on prove me wrong by nentwined
6 Mar 2009, 5:07 AM
You should work on everything, of course. All at once! ;)
replying on 2am and sober in the digital age by nentwined
6 Mar 2009, 4:54 AM
When corporations die, which, while they _can_ be more long-lived than "people", ... does happen.
Strange strange world when all the world's journals are in one man's house.
Strange strange world when all the world's journals are in one man's house.
replying on prove me wrong by nentwined
6 Mar 2009, 4:42 AM
Thanks :D
One of these days, we will see, we will see. It's amazing this place has been here this long.
You probably have more certainty than you realize (he says, older and wiser *cough* sure....)
Innocence to the world gone a few months ago? Now that sounds like a tale. Or a poem. ;) Hopefully not a pimple :)
One of these days, we will see, we will see. It's amazing this place has been here this long.
You probably have more certainty than you realize (he says, older and wiser *cough* sure....)
Innocence to the world gone a few months ago? Now that sounds like a tale. Or a poem. ;) Hopefully not a pimple :)
replying on Fake, Emo and Over Shaven by Blindpoetry
6 Mar 2009, 4:13 AM
:hehe: You've got all the time in the world to improve it ;)
replying on Fake, Emo and Over Shaven by Blindpoetry
6 Mar 2009, 3:57 AM
I lump pimples and pimples-making-fun-of-pimples together :)
Still, though, what's Diplome? :)
I liked "bleed with red dye" :)
Still, though, what's Diplome? :)
I liked "bleed with red dye" :)
replying on Final Dates, part 1: through gates of smoke and salt by Bill Z Bub
5 Mar 2009, 11:25 PM
:heh: Not that there's anything wrong with that, so long as, you know, "safe and sane". But I didn't actually pick up on that in this, so maybe others won't, as well. :)
on The time doesnât matter by Prince of Void
5 Mar 2009, 10:58 PM
I like the setting, but not the poem, and not where it ends. Still, I think you've got a seed here, if you can nurture it to grow (and I don't mean in length, so much).
on Behind Closed Doors by Spirit52
5 Mar 2009, 10:55 PM
needs something more, I think.
on Final Dates, part 1: through gates of smoke and salt by Bill Z Bub
5 Mar 2009, 10:51 PM
god damn dude.
yeah, that's personal. and eloquent. and evocative--I can feel it.
The odd thing is I feel like it hits too close to home to crit, but if I step back a bit, it's not my home.
So: if I were reading this @ GUD, I'd be thinking, wondering... this is really beautiful. But is there enough of a story, enough of an arc, enough "other" on top of the punch to the gut and its beauty? And I don't know, there. I'd let it sit and hope to get some response from others. And I think the response would tend to depend on who read it next.
yeah, that's personal. and eloquent. and evocative--I can feel it.
The odd thing is I feel like it hits too close to home to crit, but if I step back a bit, it's not my home.
So: if I were reading this @ GUD, I'd be thinking, wondering... this is really beautiful. But is there enough of a story, enough of an arc, enough "other" on top of the punch to the gut and its beauty? And I don't know, there. I'd let it sit and hope to get some response from others. And I think the response would tend to depend on who read it next.
replying on prove me wrong by nentwined
5 Mar 2009, 10:43 PM
It would be an eternal struggle if I tried more often. ;) Stress...regimen...eating... it's all a muddle. Gyms are overrated unless they fit into your particular psyche. I'm all about the simple things I can do at home, in-between breaths (and it _really_ helps to have friends... if not doing the same thing, then something similar). Right now I'm sharing a regimen-of-sorts with my wife and her sister, though we're all attacking it kind of half-assed and "when we can".
Poem--I'll check it!
Poem--I'll check it!
replying on 2am and sober in the digital age by nentwined
5 Mar 2009, 10:41 PM
:heh: Maybe some--but erif.org is mine, and on a friend's server. I doubt anyone will renew the domain when I'm gone. And his server... man. It's strange to consider these things that would live on if those after us feed them (as opposed to, say "books", or "monuments" of old...)