on A Little Further by thepinkbunnyofdoom
4 Feb 2005, 1:47 PM
could do without the "so", and "that", still very nice.
on Pictures of June by wilco
5 Feb 2005, 5:08 AM
Hwy wilco - overall it has a nice presence, but it didn't sink in until the end. Feature or bug?
I was thinking that each of those stanzas could be on their own, even expanded into more - then I hit the chorus and it gelled. So I guess you could go either way with it.
consuming/consumes - I struggled with that a little. Did you try it the other way too?
I was thinking that each of those stanzas could be on their own, even expanded into more - then I hit the chorus and it gelled. So I guess you could go either way with it.
consuming/consumes - I struggled with that a little. Did you try it the other way too?
on Plastic Explosive Iraqi-Man by Enkidu
13 Feb 2005, 6:20 AM
Ineresting style, I like it.
Feels like a synthesis of something, if you told me it was generated via a program I would not be surprised - nor would I like it any less.
Feels like a synthesis of something, if you told me it was generated via a program I would not be surprised - nor would I like it any less.
on A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya
22 May 2005, 9:22 AM
Lovely images and the repetition blends nicely without become washed out.
I'm not very familiar with the stories related to Aashik-e-Rasool, but surely this must do them justice.
I'm not very familiar with the stories related to Aashik-e-Rasool, but surely this must do them justice.
on One Moment to the Other (v3) by nentwined
15 Jun 2005, 2:02 PM
Very, very nice.
I'd like to see a span of beats, maybe 3 before that last word -
I'd like to see a span of beats, maybe 3 before that last word -
on some deleted poem
22 Jun 2005, 10:56 AM
Word of the Day on May 12, 1999 (susurrus),
Word of the Day for Wednesday May 17, 2000 (Cognoscente).
Word of the Day for Wednesday May 17, 2000 (Cognoscente).
on Last Night by Roisin
22 Jun 2005, 11:21 AM
The images/symbols are fairly clever, but they are delivered without style.
These are not pleasant to read.
Can they be fixed? Start with killing nearly all of your prepositions and look up "split infinitive" and, in general, stop telling me [blandly] what I would rather be shown [freshly].
Apply these words to any 5 random poems of yours here.
Please, don't take my comments the wrong way - just bridge this gap between having something good to say and saying it well.
Sadly, if one has the latter they can fake the former - but seldom the other way around.
These are not pleasant to read.
Can they be fixed? Start with killing nearly all of your prepositions and look up "split infinitive" and, in general, stop telling me [blandly] what I would rather be shown [freshly].
Apply these words to any 5 random poems of yours here.
Please, don't take my comments the wrong way - just bridge this gap between having something good to say and saying it well.
Sadly, if one has the latter they can fake the former - but seldom the other way around.
on Daytime TV by jessicazee
30 Jun 2005, 10:32 AM
I would end with the "I have to shower" stanza, or possibly, just kill the last one.
Otherwise it is fairly nice.
Otherwise it is fairly nice.
"eats" is a weak descriptor - lost opportunity at best.
Might want to tell me what it is you saw in his face that convinced you how he found the grass to be tastey.
Conceptually, there is a wide range of things the living can do that the dead cannot - I have trouble pulling a subset of that from the grazing, running and matings of a cow.
I think you can do it - but not by just telling me to.
Might want to tell me what it is you saw in his face that convinced you how he found the grass to be tastey.
Conceptually, there is a wide range of things the living can do that the dead cannot - I have trouble pulling a subset of that from the grazing, running and matings of a cow.
I think you can do it - but not by just telling me to.
on The Object of the Game by Dovina
29 Jun 2005, 6:44 AM
First stanza is the lovely part (partly for the subtle rhyme of "him" and "morning") - I'd pull the two "of"s though and probably the "and".
The rest is another perspective, another voice that dilutes the first taste. Smacks of triteness.
Put the first stanza in your "unfinished" folder and wait for the full inspiration.
The rest is another perspective, another voice that dilutes the first taste. Smacks of triteness.
Put the first stanza in your "unfinished" folder and wait for the full inspiration.
on some deleted poem
29 Jun 2005, 1:33 PM
works for me.
on some deleted poem
29 Jun 2005, 1:39 PM
Coaling in this context is the covering of your skin with soot from his black hands? This works for the first part, but in the second - not as well.
on Falling from grace (pt1) by sk8rs_rule_all
30 Jun 2005, 10:40 AM
please don't describe a feeling with the word "feeling" in the description.
And don't say something inexpressible and then try to express it.
That's all I have for you - I can't barely get through the rest of it. Sorry. My God - use your words more precisely, use a simile or a metaphor. Make a poem for christs sake instead of an outline for one.
Never use "so" again.
And don't say something inexpressible and then try to express it.
That's all I have for you - I can't barely get through the rest of it. Sorry. My God - use your words more precisely, use a simile or a metaphor. Make a poem for christs sake instead of an outline for one.
Never use "so" again.
on some deleted poem
11 Jul 2005, 10:44 AM
Well metered, and I like the Idea of it.
on Oh this little mouse, love by cpill
18 Jul 2005, 1:49 PM
quite s/b quiet
Its s/b It's
"playful wrestles a glance and
and geez alright" - are the two "and"s intentional?
As with a few of your other poems, I like where you ended up, but not necessarily how you got there - or maybe it's the other way around; I can't tell.
Its s/b It's
"playful wrestles a glance and
and geez alright" - are the two "and"s intentional?
As with a few of your other poems, I like where you ended up, but not necessarily how you got there - or maybe it's the other way around; I can't tell.
on some deleted poem
18 Jul 2005, 1:55 PM
"of my neck" is a line that pulls me out - an earlier post critiqued by saying it was redundant but I don't really agree with that.
I'd throw a verb in place of the preposition (even something simple like "touch" or "pull").
Stanza four has to go, it is entirely too full of obvious inuendo and bad puns (metaphor is not the same as "wink wink, nudge nudge")
smoldering used one too many times (maybe twice too many?).
A polishing of this will easily get me to hit a nine.
I'd throw a verb in place of the preposition (even something simple like "touch" or "pull").
Stanza four has to go, it is entirely too full of obvious inuendo and bad puns (metaphor is not the same as "wink wink, nudge nudge")
smoldering used one too many times (maybe twice too many?).
A polishing of this will easily get me to hit a nine.
on The cat who would fly by nentwined
12 Aug 2005, 1:01 PM
I very much like the ending - I think maybe too many small words pull the punch a bit.
on some deleted poem
2 Sep 2005, 11:35 AM
nice