on At The Edge of Sleep by GregDeEgg
29 Feb 2004, 5:38 PM
hey, not bad. not bad at all.
on some deleted poem
1 Mar 2004, 12:35 PM
These words have iron.
sod[s]?
I like the cadence of this very much - for me it's the subtle rhyme with talk/part, which was worth repeating.
But what is it with Tims and holes?
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
I like the cadence of this very much - for me it's the subtle rhyme with talk/part, which was worth repeating.
But what is it with Tims and holes?
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
on Early Morning by fevriere
2 Mar 2004, 10:57 AM
I like the accentuation of key words with the capitalization, and if you did that on purpose, then I'm fine, too, with the punctuation.
Though I know that some will be put off by it - hey this is not sculpting (despite the similarities); where we can't ignore the laws of physics and invent materials and have them hover over the piece blinking in and out from multiple dimensions - this is poetry. And we can very easily fuck with those "laws".
So, having said that I like the mechanics of it - I'm a bit put off by the first line, and therefore the rational for the rest.
I just don't believe this dumbing-down of god-like sensations to a human level (and this is from a guy who doesn't believe in god).
I think it's fixable by making it a lesser diety (stick an article in there), and maybe by shading the perspective a little (not sure exactly how to do that). I may be the only one bothered by it, dunno - it still could appeal to a broader audience.
extra points for style.
Though I know that some will be put off by it - hey this is not sculpting (despite the similarities); where we can't ignore the laws of physics and invent materials and have them hover over the piece blinking in and out from multiple dimensions - this is poetry. And we can very easily fuck with those "laws".
So, having said that I like the mechanics of it - I'm a bit put off by the first line, and therefore the rational for the rest.
I just don't believe this dumbing-down of god-like sensations to a human level (and this is from a guy who doesn't believe in god).
I think it's fixable by making it a lesser diety (stick an article in there), and maybe by shading the perspective a little (not sure exactly how to do that). I may be the only one bothered by it, dunno - it still could appeal to a broader audience.
extra points for style.
on some deleted poem
2 Mar 2004, 6:01 PM
Not feelin this one. sorry.
on Uncle Sam Is Dead by Lenore
2 Mar 2004, 6:02 PM
Gawd. That's long. I know, you get that alot.
on Cutters Part II The Recut (Limerick Triplet) by Shardik
2 Mar 2004, 6:03 PM
"stepped upon a landmina." - okay, thats brilliant.
The rest, gradually less so - but still a -10- if ever I saw one.
The rest, gradually less so - but still a -10- if ever I saw one.
on I Remember Thinking by BrandonW
2 Mar 2004, 6:04 PM
excellent (period, full fucking stop).
on where to go by AskittlesK
2 Mar 2004, 6:06 PM
Immediately turned off by seein "Purple" and "hazey" together - but I'll keep reading...
hmmm. I like the last two lines - but I still don't know what it was about.
hmmm. I like the last two lines - but I still don't know what it was about.
on Pop the Pill by etherealmaiden
2 Mar 2004, 6:07 PM
Was liking it until "My reality's blurred " then it lost its charm.
on some deleted poem
3 Mar 2004, 7:43 PM
I had to fix that first stanza - it was driving me nuts.
on some deleted poem
5 Mar 2004, 5:49 AM
"vituperation" - good word.
clever poem[e]
clever poem[e]
on I could rule myself by fevriere
7 Mar 2004, 7:36 AM
very nice: "My touch is toxic and abundant", and I like much of the other descriptions, too.
The lack of enjambment... I don't think it does much for you in this case.
And I agree with half of what Zodiac says, and I'm fine with "ouverture"
The lack of enjambment... I don't think it does much for you in this case.
And I agree with half of what Zodiac says, and I'm fine with "ouverture"
on Woman in the purple cotton jacket(repaired) by INTRANSIT
7 Mar 2004, 7:41 AM
I'm fine up to "I wretched", and you throwing a pineapple slice - that's just sad, IT.
The reader ends up feeling more pity for the author. I'm fine with the prosthetic wielding lady, that is at least an interesting vignette.
The reader ends up feeling more pity for the author. I'm fine with the prosthetic wielding lady, that is at least an interesting vignette.
on some deleted poem
7 Mar 2004, 12:23 PM
oh - wow, there's a typo too. crap.
on Metametahaiku by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
7 Mar 2004, 6:32 PM
Apparently.
on some deleted poem
7 Mar 2004, 7:59 PM
Doh! It rocked right up to the very last fricken line!
second to last line if you meant "prose" and not "pros"
inserting the "chances", indicating a random element is completely incongrous - plus it just sounds *wrong* sticking heaven in there suddenly.
I wish very much that you fix those last two lines - the thing is awesome otherwise.
second to last line if you meant "prose" and not "pros"
inserting the "chances", indicating a random element is completely incongrous - plus it just sounds *wrong* sticking heaven in there suddenly.
I wish very much that you fix those last two lines - the thing is awesome otherwise.
Is not too bad, really.
I hesitate slightly at some of the rhymes (arrive and alive) in particular and a couple grammar issues (...essay fast - fast wants to be an adverb and is not) - and I'm usually pretty easy going with that kind of thing in poetry.
It does a nice job at conveying the loss
I hesitate slightly at some of the rhymes (arrive and alive) in particular and a couple grammar issues (...essay fast - fast wants to be an adverb and is not) - and I'm usually pretty easy going with that kind of thing in poetry.
It does a nice job at conveying the loss
on some deleted poem
10 Mar 2004, 7:56 AM
A nicely done character vignette.
moulinet? Are you using it like a verb as in he swung his arm around (as if it were a sword)?
Prolly could do without the diluting effect of "all over"
and "Navarra" I know Hemingway and Michener refer to it, but I assoiciate it with a region in spain... a place where the capital is Pamplona... where they run the bulls! Do you mean it like a Pamplonan Bull???
moulinet? Are you using it like a verb as in he swung his arm around (as if it were a sword)?
Prolly could do without the diluting effect of "all over"
and "Navarra" I know Hemingway and Michener refer to it, but I assoiciate it with a region in spain... a place where the capital is Pamplona... where they run the bulls! Do you mean it like a Pamplonan Bull???