on some deleted poem
19 Nov 2003, 7:10 PM
there is some quite excellent language in there, and the ending is gracefully delivered from the previous stanza's full-on self-conscious flow.
I'd like to see some of the descriptiveness trimmed [weeded?] out, but hesitant for the risk of loosing the feeling of dreamlike recollection/fantasy this brings. For example, "we walk...", "we scrawl..." - might be worth a look, dunno.
I like it better than the "5" at the bottom -
-8.5- so I'll round up.
I'd like to see some of the descriptiveness trimmed [weeded?] out, but hesitant for the risk of loosing the feeling of dreamlike recollection/fantasy this brings. For example, "we walk...", "we scrawl..." - might be worth a look, dunno.
I like it better than the "5" at the bottom -
-8.5- so I'll round up.
on some deleted poem
20 Nov 2003, 7:49 AM
a good start to something - if you want it to stand alone, you'll likely need to hack away a good bit of it.
I feel like a salesman for the cinquain corporation.
I'm having some trouble mentally unparsing balls and swallow though - and "dialate", having witnessed the birth of four children, doesn't help my attempts.
-7-
I feel like a salesman for the cinquain corporation.
I'm having some trouble mentally unparsing balls and swallow though - and "dialate", having witnessed the birth of four children, doesn't help my attempts.
-7-
on Intersection by INTRANSIT
20 Nov 2003, 7:51 AM
I don't understand a few parts of it, but I like how flows and how it comes together at the end.
-8-
-8-
on thor an his hammer by baphomet
20 Nov 2003, 8:01 AM
sorry to break up the little family dinner table chat, but I think this is where the real talent lies.
sure, the spelling is comical, but with the included excuse it adds to the thing
("never reveal the truth behind the misspelled
meaning").
It wanders a bit though, as if to hear itself wandering - and that can be enjoyable to a certain extent - as long as the mental wanderings aren't an excuse for a lack of structure or meaning.
-8- for the benefit of the doubt.
sure, the spelling is comical, but with the included excuse it adds to the thing
("never reveal the truth behind the misspelled
meaning").
It wanders a bit though, as if to hear itself wandering - and that can be enjoyable to a certain extent - as long as the mental wanderings aren't an excuse for a lack of structure or meaning.
-8- for the benefit of the doubt.
on Blessing in desguise by GekoHawaii
20 Nov 2003, 8:09 AM
Excellent handle :O)
The poem...
"It keeps us human in our minds
And whispers to us sweet reminds" is very nice
"Then would I feel emotion true
Or would emotions grow askew?" is a not so nice (*very*) difficult to pull off questions, especially in first person).
As a lyric is flows along well enough with the usual disclaimers, but i think you might be better served to make the same observations from another perspective and make it a poem.
-7-
The poem...
"It keeps us human in our minds
And whispers to us sweet reminds" is very nice
"Then would I feel emotion true
Or would emotions grow askew?" is a not so nice (*very*) difficult to pull off questions, especially in first person).
As a lyric is flows along well enough with the usual disclaimers, but i think you might be better served to make the same observations from another perspective and make it a poem.
-7-
on The lasts of Joe by Freethinker1602
20 Nov 2003, 8:57 AM
This is desperate frustration pleasantly and simply delivered - I'm tempted to not like that it might be *too* simple - but it works. how in god's name did you put seven poems up? -8-
on some deleted poem
20 Nov 2003, 1:39 PM
it's a, ah - RONDINE. Named after a waitress in a New Jersey diner who was prone to rhyming her orders to the kitchen staff.
Okay. I made that part up...
Okay. I made that part up...
on Tales of Woah (Episode #1 Corp. Shin Shines) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
25 Nov 2003, 8:59 PM
Catchy character names, to be sure, and it should do well on www.proseranker.com.
interesting.
I have pause with this bit:
"This fathom
My fathom underneath " - was this intentional; the abruptness and lack of punctuation with the next line capped makes me scratch my head.
the line with edible dirt has a very nice impression to it.
not sure what to make of this one, but generally I'm the happier for it.
have a sideways infinity (and yes, I have that line in something already)
-8-
I have pause with this bit:
"This fathom
My fathom underneath " - was this intentional; the abruptness and lack of punctuation with the next line capped makes me scratch my head.
the line with edible dirt has a very nice impression to it.
not sure what to make of this one, but generally I'm the happier for it.
have a sideways infinity (and yes, I have that line in something already)
-8-
on some deleted poem
25 Nov 2003, 10:08 PM
Symbolism feels political... tamarisk... sickle, wreath - was thinking Tajikistan, but no yellow.
An Egyptian boat crossing is my next theory - possibly as depicted in petroglyphs found in the desert. If so, then the "...wait in the dead hours" is rather clever with "red eye".
I'm gonna give this a ten, if only for myself for working through it.
An Egyptian boat crossing is my next theory - possibly as depicted in petroglyphs found in the desert. If so, then the "...wait in the dead hours" is rather clever with "red eye".
I'm gonna give this a ten, if only for myself for working through it.
on Mr Zero? Your a coward. by DreamerSupreme
26 Nov 2003, 10:16 PM
ditto
on some deleted poem
27 Nov 2003, 4:20 PM
I actually like this, not sure why you would want to toast it.
maybe used "pulchritudinous" once too many times?
-8-
maybe used "pulchritudinous" once too many times?
-8-
on 0 by MacFrantic
27 Nov 2003, 10:19 PM
such things do boggle the mind.
on some deleted poem
27 Nov 2003, 10:20 PM
was working until about the second to last line.
on some deleted poem
27 Nov 2003, 10:25 PM
may you never be accused of being unpoetic again:
"Your breath upon my throat,
It reveals your ardent will.
Over me, this deep desire,
Will constantly spill."
horrey shirt, thats good stuff, Swift.
You must definitely keep that, the last though... brings it down a notch - maybe burn it?
nice!
as payment for the glow of that one stanza:
-9-
"Your breath upon my throat,
It reveals your ardent will.
Over me, this deep desire,
Will constantly spill."
horrey shirt, thats good stuff, Swift.
You must definitely keep that, the last though... brings it down a notch - maybe burn it?
nice!
as payment for the glow of that one stanza:
-9-
on some deleted poem
27 Nov 2003, 10:29 PM
other buch metter
probably pulled from your bum;
dis one much too dumb.
probably pulled from your bum;
dis one much too dumb.
on some deleted poem
29 Nov 2003, 7:45 AM
The preceding dashes on each last line are used to indicate italics.
on A Good Stretch by kingit
29 Nov 2003, 2:16 PM
I like it lots - but I struggle for meaning - a sexual encounter?
This thing you do with the line spaces and break... works. A pleasant, inviting cadence.
-9-
This thing you do with the line spaces and break... works. A pleasant, inviting cadence.
-9-
on some deleted poem
29 Nov 2003, 2:19 PM
I have the same sentiment as IT, but I've written this kind of thing too; tried to capture that - that thing there.
it rings true, but its a familar, nearly 'given' sound.
-8-
it rings true, but its a familar, nearly 'given' sound.
-8-
Very much liked.
;O]
-10-