Comments byShuushin, 1141–1160 back. Include replies

on some deleted poem 12 Oct 2003, 9:56 AM
Is okay, has some good language in it. The, "Clicking glass upon a tooth" is very cool. I like the whole machine gunner sidetrip.

Would L4 read better if it had an "a" before barely? I know: picky, picky, picky.

on I wish I had a friend by un_oying 12 Oct 2003, 9:59 AM
Remember, friends don't let friends use the wrong "to/two/too": 3rd stanza, "to" s/b "too".

I knew you were dead by S5. Cute; have a 6.
on the two faces of the bar social. by darby pyn 12 Oct 2003, 10:08 AM
Awesome easy rhyming kept my attention - right up to naevete', then it kind of breaks.

Rethink that ending, if you are so inclined, and you will have something really special, I'm sure of it.
on Daddy's Little Girl by unknown 12 Oct 2003, 2:07 PM
Touching - the ending is very sweet and unforced; well done.
on Billy and the voices by SupremeDreamer 12 Oct 2003, 7:18 PM
[clap clap clap]

"oooo"
on Why? by MercedezDream 13 Oct 2003, 6:28 AM
heh - cute. I was just about to give up, cuz the endrhymes are, well - like they are.

Then you have this awesome ending; good job.
on Not On Your Nelly by Wobble McFly 13 Oct 2003, 2:02 PM
A nice start to. something.
on مصادر فلسطينية أن الاحتلال by Wobble McFly 13 Oct 2003, 2:05 PM
Somewhat understated, yet I enjoyed the subtext - this bit, "ألكسندر كالوجين، أكد فيدوفين على" is a fairly unusual usage, and I always like that kind of thing.

Small nit: "الإسر" should be "سرالإسر"
on some deleted poem 13 Oct 2003, 4:06 PM
This one has been through the mill a few times, now in its third revision.

I've touched it so much it is now a part of me; difficult to see it objectively - I'm in need of more eyes. Many thanks.
on Dancing on Glass by thepinkbunnyofdoom 13 Oct 2003, 5:11 PM
The ending is fairly awesome.

I don't like that [the droplets] soaked into the floor; either I think of a cement floor in a factory, or via the title, a glass floor.
on some deleted poem 13 Oct 2003, 5:15 PM
is kinda neat that life takes on this individual personality - I could do without the last two lines though (they don't really add anything nor are they beautiful enough to be ornamentation).
on some deleted poem 13 Oct 2003, 5:21 PM
Pretty cool. I likey alot.

Suggestion: using "dying" as a modify on a man who is having his entrails tugged out (I figure he is gonna die) . . . How about something else about the man?

how about "naked"; that's pretty scary.

Come to think of it, I don't find "tugs" "surprisingly violent" - wrench maybe?
on some deleted poem 13 Oct 2003, 5:22 PM
This is, also, very good ImO. I have no nits for this.

Nice!

on thanksgiving by kingit 13 Oct 2003, 5:25 PM
eenteresting...

very eenteresting....
on some deleted poem 13 Oct 2003, 5:32 PM
The cadence to this piece bears the mark of a skilled hand - very nice.

I will be extremely nitty and suggest the spelling "nihilistic" instead of what is there. Not only will you make dictionary dot com happy, but given that a web search for "nihilistic" gets you 35,006 hits versus 30 for the other; it will give less folks pause.

on sit place by kingit 13 Oct 2003, 5:35 PM
my poor aching [split] brain.

I keep trying
to see
patterns.

ooo - you could d o u b l e s p a c e them too!(seriously).

Maybe with chicken brule, btw.
on one by crwncka1 11 Oct 2003, 5:44 AM
first, change "pedal" to "petal"

then delete the second stanza entirely.
on XYZ by crwncka1 11 Oct 2003, 5:47 AM
It has a nice sincere feel to it; works for me.

and "wishing into the wind" is nice - but I'm a sucker for alliteration with W's
on some deleted poem 11 Oct 2003, 5:48 AM
Nice as a lyric - I think the second stanza would make a nice refrain.
on Beautiful Scars by William Delacroix 12 Oct 2003, 7:44 AM
"The sawed-off between his fesses." is interesting -
is the implication he was shot in the chest?

Never seen fesses used like that - works for me, though.