on B.F. by skaskowski
9 Oct 2003, 6:08 PM
These two lines are stunning, perhaps in a comedic way:
"Be a lapel on my chest
to stand as a stapled reminder [.]
[o]f what i've tried to digress to,
but never lived up to.
Never was able to."
btw - the use of "digress" here sounds like a thesaurus as work - "turn", "aspire"?
"Be a lapel on my chest
to stand as a stapled reminder [.]
[o]f what i've tried to digress to,
but never lived up to.
Never was able to."
btw - the use of "digress" here sounds like a thesaurus as work - "turn", "aspire"?
on autumn angst by skaskowski
9 Oct 2003, 7:59 PM
A prepositional phrase slugfest.
I think Kansas said it best with, "we are merely indifferent scraps of ignorance, all we are is indifferent scraps of ignorance ..."
Consider a ";" after "wind" ("therefore" usage, actually, all of your commas here could be semi's) - keep or toss (as usual).
I think Kansas said it best with, "we are merely indifferent scraps of ignorance, all we are is indifferent scraps of ignorance ..."
Consider a ";" after "wind" ("therefore" usage, actually, all of your commas here could be semi's) - keep or toss (as usual).
on Working man lament by Garrett S Sexton
9 Oct 2003, 8:03 PM
Simply put and to very good effect; I like it. I like it alot.
Just a hint of an ars poetical self depreciation too - I said I liked this already, right?
Is damn good. 8 from the East German.
Just a hint of an ars poetical self depreciation too - I said I liked this already, right?
Is damn good. 8 from the East German.
on Screw u all! by Blade
10 Oct 2003, 3:37 AM
I haven't seen any of your others, but this one isn't too bad,
but there's one extra syllable in the first line.
and it's more senryu than haiku (gesundheit).
but there's one extra syllable in the first line.
and it's more senryu than haiku (gesundheit).
on sex sex sex! by FreeFormFixation
10 Oct 2003, 6:01 AM
The only better title I can think of is "beer, beer, beer" (j/k).
Another really nice bit of work. Cool format - it suits the piece.
Another really nice bit of work. Cool format - it suits the piece.
on some deleted poem
10 Oct 2003, 6:25 AM
Well, it has a shock factor. By L8 I was fairly medicated then WACK.
Having said that - it seems like a sucker punch.
From a sociopolitical viewpoint I really expected the child molestation angle as soon as I read the title, I just got lulled into thinking it was about something else.
Sneaky little hobitses.
Having said that - it seems like a sucker punch.
From a sociopolitical viewpoint I really expected the child molestation angle as soon as I read the title, I just got lulled into thinking it was about something else.
Sneaky little hobitses.
on some deleted poem
10 Oct 2003, 10:51 AM
Nice, in particular, the leaves as a fuse; great thought.
Lots of biblical references.
Richa, I don't know your work well enough to judge if it was intentional, but the dual medusa reference in relation to a shining apple tree is extremely good (as a jellyfish, or bell shape) - even if it was subconscious it's worthy of high kudos (the other reference with the many headed snakes is also good, but better if the heads are red).
small nit/typo: "gleans" s/b "gleams"
I like the "corn-cradle deep" without completely understanding it - can you help me with what it means?
Lots of biblical references.
Richa, I don't know your work well enough to judge if it was intentional, but the dual medusa reference in relation to a shining apple tree is extremely good (as a jellyfish, or bell shape) - even if it was subconscious it's worthy of high kudos (the other reference with the many headed snakes is also good, but better if the heads are red).
small nit/typo: "gleans" s/b "gleams"
I like the "corn-cradle deep" without completely understanding it - can you help me with what it means?
on some deleted poem
10 Oct 2003, 12:24 PM
Kippers in bits.
A tastey piece, did you misspell Yom Kippur on purpose?
I should also point out - since the holiday is like a day of attonement, there isn't much eating, let alone a feast going on (unless you are under the age of nine, or pregnant).
Maybe you should pick another holiday to blow up.
A tastey piece, did you misspell Yom Kippur on purpose?
I should also point out - since the holiday is like a day of attonement, there isn't much eating, let alone a feast going on (unless you are under the age of nine, or pregnant).
Maybe you should pick another holiday to blow up.
on Magnets & Cross-Eyed Children by Bachus
11 Oct 2003, 5:18 AM
Puts the physics back in metaphysical -
I really like the sounds made by
"you will never deserve" ... / "of farulous verve"
I really like the sounds made by
"you will never deserve" ... / "of farulous verve"
on NUMERO UNO by gorbichoff
11 Oct 2003, 5:19 AM
"I'm just a cracka flowin',
not really knowin',"
YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR BIG ONE ZERO!
not really knowin',"
YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR BIG ONE ZERO!
on some deleted poem
11 Oct 2003, 5:21 AM
I think he had a code in his dose.
He was telling you to keep it in your genes.
He was telling you to keep it in your genes.
on "I know what you need!" by A. Nomaly
11 Oct 2003, 5:25 AM
no.... no - NOT THE SWANS!
on some deleted poem
11 Oct 2003, 5:28 AM
Hey - I like this.
Fortunately I didn't read your disclaimer until afterward, it might have given away the surprise.
Nice work.
Fortunately I didn't read your disclaimer until afterward, it might have given away the surprise.
Nice work.
on My Angel's Suicide by Artemis745
11 Oct 2003, 5:32 AM
"In perfect position."
Everything about angels is perfection - glad you had that word there.
I didn't notice the repetition with "the gun" as I read it, which is cool.
Everything about angels is perfection - glad you had that word there.
I didn't notice the repetition with "the gun" as I read it, which is cool.
on Silent Tears by Artemis745
11 Oct 2003, 5:34 AM
I think this would be particularly good as a character outline - I feel a story coming on.
on Die by Artemis745
11 Oct 2003, 5:37 AM
... and not a drop to drink.
I like it - I would like it more if the word "almost" killed itself.
maybe replace it with another modifier. like "gentle", or sumfin.
I like it - I would like it more if the word "almost" killed itself.
maybe replace it with another modifier. like "gentle", or sumfin.
on some deleted poem
11 Oct 2003, 5:40 AM
works for me.
The moon *IS* the tide.
"on" foot
"Water runs where dug deep" - consider "waters runs deeply where dug" - oh christ, I don't know - something.
this is cute:
"enough to baptise every man
and a little left over to drink,
wash and spit"
"and apple peels hang noses
like a history" is interesting as hell - but I am clueless.
and enough with the similies! You use them like a goat herder uses vaseline.
Wow, I guess that wasn't so bad, was it?