replying on In Answer To Your Question by Dovina
28 Jan 2005, 12:47 PM
But why is it better to do more?
replying on In Answer To Your Question by Dovina
28 Jan 2005, 12:34 PM
The argument gets interesting when you make the logical jump from something being stronger, to something being better - or smarter being better.
replying on In Answer To Your Question by Dovina
28 Jan 2005, 12:20 PM
I think what you have is clearly expressing the idea, and the idea makes sense - just, yes - its more verbosely stated than is my preference.
Turns out that in most cases they are indeed promising more than they will deliver. Not sure how it is in Europe, but in the US more marriages fail than not.
Turns out that in most cases they are indeed promising more than they will deliver. Not sure how it is in Europe, but in the US more marriages fail than not.
on Hades Ain't Far Enough by MacFrantic
28 Jan 2005, 10:11 AM
"dread upon the dalliers" - nice
I like this one, MF.
I like this one, MF.
replying on Dream of a Vanilla Sky by smlink84
27 Jan 2005, 8:34 PM
I saw this movie yesterday - it made me uncomfortable to the point where twice I wanted to eject it, but didn't.
Very glad I stuck with it, it was a wonderful and beautiful movie - not an easy movie.
Btw, I doubt this smlink dude was even thinking of that flick, he was more likely referencing the *painting*.
Very glad I stuck with it, it was a wonderful and beautiful movie - not an easy movie.
Btw, I doubt this smlink dude was even thinking of that flick, he was more likely referencing the *painting*.
on thoughts on a long lazy day by francis nor capule
27 Jan 2005, 8:13 PM
purity often wins.
on Waiting for October by wilco
27 Jan 2005, 8:12 PM
"The flowerâs been washed clean." specify flower - fix meter.
"The ghosts are coming through" - weak description - fixable.
"The ghosts are coming through" - weak description - fixable.
on In Answer To Your Question by Dovina
27 Jan 2005, 2:59 PM
3 spaces between comma and the "I'll" in the 3rd stanza
I guess it works as a "prose poem" - but why? This could be said in far fewer words and cleaner as a less verbose (or nounose) poem.
I guess it works as a "prose poem" - but why? This could be said in far fewer words and cleaner as a less verbose (or nounose) poem.
on Your Eyes Are Like Stearling Saphires in the month of June by tisa7
27 Jan 2005, 2:37 PM
Hi t7 - a pretty thing, but a couple spellings:
"Sterling", "Sapphires" and "threw" should be "through" and I don't know if you meant "painful" or did the painflu on purpose.
"in to" should prolly be "into"
"Sterling", "Sapphires" and "threw" should be "through" and I don't know if you meant "painful" or did the painflu on purpose.
"in to" should prolly be "into"
on "I" became "We" by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
25 Jan 2005, 5:19 PM
I like these - I'm not keen on the god theme (and I noticed you capitalized it here, and not on the last one) and I think it would be fine without it - but hey - it's your thang.
Carry on.
Carry on.
on Before I met you by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
25 Jan 2005, 5:10 PM
That is pretty damn sweet, I gotta say. Enjoy the emotion, my friend - enjoy the emotion.
couple spellings for you if you like:
"wasen't" s/b "wasn't",
"haden't", "hadn't" - except, as you may know - the misspellings add to the effect of the poem.
Good luck.
couple spellings for you if you like:
"wasen't" s/b "wasn't",
"haden't", "hadn't" - except, as you may know - the misspellings add to the effect of the poem.
Good luck.
replying on Feudal Conflict by Dovina
25 Jan 2005, 3:34 PM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Origins_of_chess
or, http://tinyurl.com/498vh
Short answer - nobody knows for sure.
or, http://tinyurl.com/498vh
Short answer - nobody knows for sure.
on Road of Means by MacFrantic
25 Jan 2005, 2:32 PM
You're gonna haveta help me with this one I think.
I'm trying at least - ozone layer destruction?
It is a very nice start to something - but I think I need, or most people will need, more to get involved.
I'm trying at least - ozone layer destruction?
It is a very nice start to something - but I think I need, or most people will need, more to get involved.
on An Ode To Mr. Moon (Acrostic) by Bhaskaryya
25 Jan 2005, 2:27 PM
"Revivifying " don't see that one much. Consisten rhyming scheme, with a change on the refrain.
Kasturi is Indian, no?
You might want to trim some prepositions, maybe? Why do I harp on that so?
Kasturi is Indian, no?
You might want to trim some prepositions, maybe? Why do I harp on that so?
replying on Feudal Conflict by Dovina
25 Jan 2005, 10:37 AM
Please don't take it too harshly - let's see, I felt on the first read that there were too many prepositions and too many conjunctions (thens, ands), and a couple extra modifiers - but after getting a little more familiar with it I think maybe you could hack out 2 if that (L1:on, comma after "slay", L6:"then", "vulnerable" *or* "pawn" (if "vulnerable" then maybe a shorter synonym)).
I do like the repeated "ands" in L2, because of the alliteration with the ending "d" sound (every word).
What has added to my first impression is the capitalization, and the commas that precede them; highlights to ill effect.
I don't know if it was you intention to capitalize every first letter on every line, but it isn't consistant.
Still, a good story - and a nine.
I do like the repeated "ands" in L2, because of the alliteration with the ending "d" sound (every word).
What has added to my first impression is the capitalization, and the commas that precede them; highlights to ill effect.
I don't know if it was you intention to capitalize every first letter on every line, but it isn't consistant.
Still, a good story - and a nine.
on Feudal Conflict by Dovina
24 Jan 2005, 7:10 PM
I think you got word-heavy on this one, D - but I agree, it is a little ominous.
on Ode 2 2Pac by PodPoet
24 Jan 2005, 7:07 PM
A nice job with a topic I know nothing about - having said that, I think you ran out of steam at about here:
"Why couldn't you have survived
And let the dark angels pass you by?"
From that point on... I dunno, it looses something.
What is there, however, is very strong.
"Why couldn't you have survived
And let the dark angels pass you by?"
From that point on... I dunno, it looses something.
What is there, however, is very strong.
on Unwed by gilded in gold
23 Jan 2005, 8:48 PM
nice tone, but too short - it doesn't bring me anywhere or even full circle.
and I want it to.
and I want it to.
on Early Morning Thought by Dreammaker1024
23 Jan 2005, 6:07 PM
line breaks would really help this.
on Resurrection by Dreammaker1024
23 Jan 2005, 6:05 PM
Intrigued at first by the style. But this has a teen-angst thesaurized feel to it, still.
"emitted"?
I do like this though: "Weakened by your taste, aroused by the newly
formed light has made this midnight a lamp unto the darkened soul within"
gotta say.
"emitted"?
I do like this though: "Weakened by your taste, aroused by the newly
formed light has made this midnight a lamp unto the darkened soul within"
gotta say.