replying on The Way by Dovina
8 Jan 2005, 7:14 AM
WELL, I responded - but I think she will too, since I didn't get the comment emailed to me; she prolly did.
on Johnny football painter by Crakyamuni
6 Jan 2005, 11:22 PM
carnivorous
irreparably
and, what the hell, tremulant... I like the word - I don't like it there. Maybe if I knew your work better I could more easily accept the reach of it.
It has a nice feel/flavor to it overall, though.
irreparably
and, what the hell, tremulant... I like the word - I don't like it there. Maybe if I knew your work better I could more easily accept the reach of it.
It has a nice feel/flavor to it overall, though.
replying on Math Poem 3 by Dovina
6 Jan 2005, 8:29 PM
And I think you get a prize for the most frequent use of the word "facile" in any string of comments (not that it isn't an interesting word, just kindof rarely used).
on War Story by dougsoderstrom
6 Jan 2005, 4:21 PM
kindof amazed that there are so many workable rhymes for "for" (I think you forgot "two-dollar whore")
on The Toilet Paper Tumbles by PsydewaysTears
6 Jan 2005, 9:47 AM
reminds me of meatball I once knew.
on Math Poem 3 by Dovina
6 Jan 2005, 9:43 AM
You generated alot of interest in this one, D - nice work.
replying on Both Sided Acrostic by Bhaskaryya
5 Jan 2005, 10:31 AM
yes, yarn is plausible and all, just that it still leaves that beat long while the brain has to process it.
And this is not the kind of place you go to have things "overlooked". No, not that kind of place at all.
And this is not the kind of place you go to have things "overlooked". No, not that kind of place at all.
on Both Sided Acrostic by Bhaskaryya
5 Jan 2005, 8:19 AM
(parallel acrostic) Hey! not bad at all.
couple gotchas in there "A Ordeal" s/b "An Ordeal" so you'll likely have to play with that again.
and "Yarns" is a sticking point.
But still - good and interesting work.
couple gotchas in there "A Ordeal" s/b "An Ordeal" so you'll likely have to play with that again.
and "Yarns" is a sticking point.
But still - good and interesting work.
on The Christ Omelette by horus8
5 Jan 2005, 6:53 AM
Crazy in all the right places.
replying on No sally, lay your troubles to bed by Crakyamuni
4 Jan 2005, 6:34 PM
What did this look like before?
on Mystery Stranger by Zalev
4 Jan 2005, 8:42 AM
capitalize "[L]ord", I think.
Another unforced acrostic, nice - though I liked the other better (this one has a less flowing feel; more list-like, which is especially bad in an acrostic).
Another unforced acrostic, nice - though I liked the other better (this one has a less flowing feel; more list-like, which is especially bad in an acrostic).
on The Snowcone Man by Zalev
4 Jan 2005, 8:37 AM
a well made Acrostic to be sure - barely forced at all, really - okay, the "D" is forced. Maybe
"Death took the snowconeman, and my smile." -
or "Death took the snowconeman and he took my smile." - something like that?
and try "You want buy one?", he'd..." (should at least be in quotes).
Either way, nicely done, and an acrostic to boot.
"Death took the snowconeman, and my smile." -
or "Death took the snowconeman and he took my smile." - something like that?
and try "You want buy one?", he'd..." (should at least be in quotes).
Either way, nicely done, and an acrostic to boot.
on the nature of our stillborn by Crakyamuni
4 Jan 2005, 8:31 AM
Well. Very nice, except I could do without the refrain - and this line:
"Don't smile and laugh, it's distance" - comes off as a concession to rhyme.
btw, as to the content (versus the form) - the message is that you were almost certainly trying to both love *and* be clever. At least to be clever.
I want to give this a nine, but that list bit keeps me from it.
"Don't smile and laugh, it's distance" - comes off as a concession to rhyme.
btw, as to the content (versus the form) - the message is that you were almost certainly trying to both love *and* be clever. At least to be clever.
I want to give this a nine, but that list bit keeps me from it.
on Rebirth by Beyond_Dreams
3 Jan 2005, 8:50 AM
There is quite a bit there. I'd like to see some stanza breaks.
And as one example, you tell me "my old feeble body" - I rather get that from the rest, or should.
Telling me the same thing several times in standard ways, is not nearly as effective as telling me once - but in a memorable way.
Having said that, I think this is a notch or so above average; some good vocab. It could pretty easily be more - might even be a two or more poems in here.
And as one example, you tell me "my old feeble body" - I rather get that from the rest, or should.
Telling me the same thing several times in standard ways, is not nearly as effective as telling me once - but in a memorable way.
Having said that, I think this is a notch or so above average; some good vocab. It could pretty easily be more - might even be a two or more poems in here.
on Betwixt and In Between by dougsoderstrom
2 Jan 2005, 3:44 PM
Doing nothing is always an option.
It made me consider Frost's poem, and how it would be different if he had actually taken neither road. I think it would pretty much end in the first stanza.
*Eventually* you gotta do something, even if it is "went back the way I came".
And what the heck did you do to piss off Zodiac? I think he's just jealous.
It made me consider Frost's poem, and how it would be different if he had actually taken neither road. I think it would pretty much end in the first stanza.
*Eventually* you gotta do something, even if it is "went back the way I came".
And what the heck did you do to piss off Zodiac? I think he's just jealous.
replying on Dear Will, by DarkThirteens
2 Jan 2005, 12:56 PM
of course, I meant "sweet" - though sweat does flow.