on The bad news is his bones are like rubber by Venus
29 Jul 2004, 5:53 PM
Maybe too cryptic. I can see how it might cathartic somehow, but - "what's in it for me?"
"audible hint of condemnation"... what is that, exactly?
Interesting even after my gripes, has a nice cadence - I just want it to mean something without too much trouble (some, is fine).
"audible hint of condemnation"... what is that, exactly?
Interesting even after my gripes, has a nice cadence - I just want it to mean something without too much trouble (some, is fine).
on Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus
29 Jul 2004, 3:45 PM
Nicely done!
on Untitled. by SupremeDreamer
28 Jul 2004, 6:40 AM
probably the most aptly "untitled" titled poem I've seen. Maybe it re-states itself once or twice too much - but somehow, that seems appropriate.
on The Annual January Thaw by Dovina
27 Jul 2004, 1:12 PM
I must be one of those embittered stoics.
I remember hiking, not in January (May I think), when there was no snow at the bottom of the mountain so I wore hi-tops on a whim - mistake since I was soon tramping through snow...
crappy snow. Good poem.
I remember hiking, not in January (May I think), when there was no snow at the bottom of the mountain so I wore hi-tops on a whim - mistake since I was soon tramping through snow...
crappy snow. Good poem.
on Cranberry shoes by INTRANSIT
27 Jul 2004, 11:08 AM
a good read. the sentence with the carbon dating is a bit bloody though - I think you could easily fix it up.
Focusing more there on the stars' ability to inform Pomma of his mothers death might help that second part, too.
Focusing more there on the stars' ability to inform Pomma of his mothers death might help that second part, too.
on Brats by D. $ Fontera
27 Jul 2004, 11:00 AM
pretty catchy, really. I think the last stanza brings it down a notch though. What else might go there?
a fun piece.
a fun piece.
on A Forever Splintered Heart by MacFrantic
27 Jul 2004, 10:52 AM
this style always strikes me as little "list-like" as I have trouble with the line-to-line transitions. One gets the sense the lines exist solely to rhyme.
the fourth ("Neon...") stanza works pretty well I think, no?
A tough genre to break new ground with though.
the fourth ("Neon...") stanza works pretty well I think, no?
A tough genre to break new ground with though.
replying on Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus
27 Jul 2004, 10:39 AM
I think with one "unlike now/...different life once" set and some indentation for that section it would make it pretty clear?
you might also set it up like a lyric, using that set (plus a bit more) as a chorus then a bridge to set up the last bit.
That could work too, I think.
you might also set it up like a lyric, using that set (plus a bit more) as a chorus then a bridge to set up the last bit.
That could work too, I think.
on Gap-Fold vs. Sour Milk by Venus
27 Jul 2004, 3:28 AM
kill the refrain at least, I think - and "just", ghost line is very nice.
on Bad animal limericks by INTRANSIT
26 Jul 2004, 7:54 AM
how sad. how very sad... :)
on Respect on a Quiet Hillside by Dovina
26 Jul 2004, 6:10 AM
interesting location and motivation - no judgement implied; the poem stands out because of it.
on I'll Make It Through by cuddlytiger17
16 Jul 2004, 7:03 PM
Very nice meter, though I'd re-touch the end of the first line of stanza two.
The subject is "pimply", but I've seen a worse applications of it.
If you're up to it, I'd notch the agony level down a bit, maybe with some images that either describe this feeling you want to convey, or something else.
Or, as an intermediate fix, make the last stanza focus soley on the remedy while keeping the second to last as a transition from this agony to hope.
The subject is "pimply", but I've seen a worse applications of it.
If you're up to it, I'd notch the agony level down a bit, maybe with some images that either describe this feeling you want to convey, or something else.
Or, as an intermediate fix, make the last stanza focus soley on the remedy while keeping the second to last as a transition from this agony to hope.
on Searching by dougsoderstrom
11 Jul 2004, 7:02 PM
This question of faith is unsolvable by definition - save yourself the trouble and just wait and see.
When your heart stops sending blood to your human brain, you will know all you need to know.
When your heart stops sending blood to your human brain, you will know all you need to know.
replying on Searching by dougsoderstrom
11 Jul 2004, 6:55 PM
My turn: "faith is not wanting to know the truth"
replying on Sugared petrol isn't sweet if your ass is black & blue. by Y2kSlamPoet
11 Jul 2004, 5:43 AM
Granted - its not like I didn't give you a nine. :P
replying on Dylan's Odyssey. by Don-Quixote
11 Jul 2004, 5:42 AM
Yes, yes - looked it up already. thanks.
replying on Ellis Evans: Rhyfel- War by Sasha
10 Jul 2004, 7:05 AM
oh, sorry!
meter needs tweekin, maybe... :
"your beauty and your grace"
Good for what it is.