replying on Ellis Evans: Rhyfel- War by Sasha
10 Jul 2004, 6:53 AM
quite a handy skill, that.
replying on The Ladies and the Bum by Dovina
10 Jul 2004, 6:19 AM
Unbelievable.
on The Ladies and the Bum by Dovina
10 Jul 2004, 6:15 AM
try: "(I usually spend the night there)"
"but strong to pull up her" is awkward, D. Is the lawn powerful enought to earn a capital?
"if she leaves it unsecured" can go.
Interesting stacato cadence - intentional?
"but strong to pull up her" is awkward, D. Is the lawn powerful enought to earn a capital?
"if she leaves it unsecured" can go.
Interesting stacato cadence - intentional?
replying on The circle of life by sanity
10 Jul 2004, 6:10 AM
or like when it expands in size to include our orbit??
huh, what then???
huh, what then???
on Ze invsible limerick by DR Limerick
10 Jul 2004, 6:06 AM
Cute idea. Let me try an invisible comment:
on Ellis Evans: Rhyfel- War by Sasha
10 Jul 2004, 6:05 AM
what's the Welsh look like?
on Johnny Depp by Rilke4ClosetLesbians
10 Jul 2004, 6:02 AM
Once I got past your name I could almost read the poem objectively.
"a picture" can go, along with the hips allusion. The ending seems a little too abrupt - or trite.
Interested to see the rewrite.
"a picture" can go, along with the hips allusion. The ending seems a little too abrupt - or trite.
Interested to see the rewrite.
on A Child Once More by Quarton
10 Jul 2004, 5:58 AM
The rhymes kill this thing, Quarton, and its such a universal thought that's been captured in quotes and one-liners that to describe it this way - even though you've got some good word choices - is an uphill battle. More like a brick-wall battle.
on First Love by pinay_miss_azn
10 Jul 2004, 5:54 AM
This AA BB CC is *very* tough to pull off.
Same for the night club act ending.
Same for the night club act ending.
on Love and Time ( sad... ) by pinay_miss_azn
10 Jul 2004, 5:51 AM
yep. That's sad.
Two suggestions and it will increase the impact:
- shorten it by leagues
- use the linebreaks to your advantage, otherwise leave them where a normal speaker would put them
Basically, the event itself is the main force - its up to you as a poet to take this event and convey it to the reader with power and impression. Not that you haven't done that to a certain extent - there's room, through reduction, for growth here.
Two suggestions and it will increase the impact:
- shorten it by leagues
- use the linebreaks to your advantage, otherwise leave them where a normal speaker would put them
Basically, the event itself is the main force - its up to you as a poet to take this event and convey it to the reader with power and impression. Not that you haven't done that to a certain extent - there's room, through reduction, for growth here.
on Sugared petrol isn't sweet if your ass is black & blue. by Y2kSlamPoet
10 Jul 2004, 5:39 AM
Its a good story, kept me reading even if I had a shameful egoist moment of "prose on a poetry site... grrrr".
But its a sweet one. btw, the fix for sugar in the gas tank is a simple one. Involves simply replacing the fuel system.
that last paragraph, in particular, would make a good poem; it has the crux of the thing - that this tough man would become tender at the though of dissapointing his dad.
But its a sweet one. btw, the fix for sugar in the gas tank is a simple one. Involves simply replacing the fuel system.
that last paragraph, in particular, would make a good poem; it has the crux of the thing - that this tough man would become tender at the though of dissapointing his dad.
on The chance is lost inside all of my tears by Prince of Void
10 Jul 2004, 5:33 AM
this expression, "to plant one's fancy" - is this a euphamism for something...?
this phrase "passion to dance like butterfly on " sounds very "English as a second language" - intention?
This would make 5 or 6 very nice poems (if taken with something lighter in between sittings), but as it is - its a bit tedious, imho. Maybe too effective at evoking defeat.
this phrase "passion to dance like butterfly on " sounds very "English as a second language" - intention?
This would make 5 or 6 very nice poems (if taken with something lighter in between sittings), but as it is - its a bit tedious, imho. Maybe too effective at evoking defeat.
on Dylan's Odyssey. by Don-Quixote
10 Jul 2004, 5:27 AM
couple few interesting words in there.
Brainsky
Monitory
would make a nice ditty I think[sky].
Brainsky
Monitory
would make a nice ditty I think[sky].
replying on A Piñon Limb by Dovina
8 Jul 2004, 11:12 AM
Evil contraptions.
(You were supposed to ask me what a porcelain henway was....)
(You were supposed to ask me what a porcelain henway was....)
replying on A Piñon Limb by Dovina
8 Jul 2004, 10:32 AM
What's a paradelle satirist??
on Bankruptcy (2) by INTRANSIT
7 Jul 2004, 5:15 PM
feels firm - the rhyme closes it well.
replying on A Piñon Limb by Dovina
7 Jul 2004, 1:51 PM
is that like a porcelain henway?
on A Piñon Limb by Dovina
7 Jul 2004, 10:52 AM
Not too shabby at all, nope, not at all.
Because of the length I feel okay picking on a line, this one :"Where winter rains paint frozen needles," needs a meter tweek I think.
But really, it doesn't hurt the thing much - well done.
Because of the length I feel okay picking on a line, this one :"Where winter rains paint frozen needles," needs a meter tweek I think.
But really, it doesn't hurt the thing much - well done.