on thanksgiving by kingit
13 Oct 2003, 1:27 PM
clever. Capitalize turkey.
on some deleted poem
13 Oct 2003, 1:34 PM
pimple
on For my darling Lori by Twisted Wizard
13 Oct 2003, 1:50 PM
She stood at your feet? Was she in a hole? A person cannot be the epidome of someone elses desire. For example I can't say Mother Teresa is the epitome of my goodness. Other than that it's nauseatingly green.
on Colloid by skaskowski
13 Oct 2003, 1:51 PM
This is great. What a wonderful idea.
on thanksgiving by kingit
13 Oct 2003, 2:09 PM
Now if you could somehow make more sense with "planets I can live"
on not quite myself by muted_screams
13 Oct 2003, 2:12 PM
you forget to explain
on standing on the dry weeds by silvertongueddevil
13 Oct 2003, 2:15 PM
Worth a good re-edit. You have some worthwhile style, but it's sullied with a kind of irresponsibilty. You settle forless than perfect. Also the last 2 lines must have some serious typos, the grammer is incomperhensible.
on Forever Tired by Antares42
13 Oct 2003, 6:58 PM
Boring
on some deleted poem
13 Oct 2003, 6:59 PM
This is not poetry. It's only talk.
on conundrum, part 1 by poetekzen
13 Oct 2003, 7:01 PM
meandering. clever, but only at first.
on The Red Tree by raysaun
13 Oct 2003, 7:03 PM
in the last stanza change 'saw' to 'felt'. Also snowballs can only be made my people, not trees. Find some other way to say it.
on Birdcalls by poetandknowit
14 Oct 2003, 10:03 AM
One of my favorites. I especially love the way the images seem to come and go, they sort of crumble away, one after the other, and all you leave me with is that ultimate thought. The one we always come back to, the one we cannot shake. Lovely, truly.
on A Fathers Loss by Lanman427
18 Sep 2003, 10:53 AM
Well, it's good to see this side of things, but it's all sentiment and no vision. How was the chidhood not perfect, how did you do your best? You need to give the reader images, not sentiment, the images impart the sentiment, that's how poetry works. You should give it another go. Try to discribe what has actually gone on. When's the last time you saw this child? Discribe that to me, the first time you saw her/him, what your hopes were, literally. A home? Laughter? Don't just say 'I had so much hope for us', blah, blah, blah.
on Inner-city parish by richa
18 Sep 2003, 10:57 AM
This is great! Anyone who wants to understand how image imparts meaning, and the emotion the poet is trying to express, should take a look at this poem. You stay right with the metaphor throughout, well done.
on Man & Woman by Mona Lisa
18 Sep 2003, 11:00 AM
huh? the last line doesn't make sense to me. You're also taking a risk when you say "All women" is that ever true?
The 3rd stanza is very good. Great images, really. You need to finish the 1st line though, any what? Color? You've got to say something after 'any'. Also 'besides' in line two can be misconstrued, how about 'other than' or 'except' or 'if not for'? the last two lines need to be condensed, you've built a lovely flow of images here don't bog it down with an excess of words.
Tarnished as all skin turned
Angry as every dream falls empty and burns.
In the last stanza you only need say "Wrong to believe" once at the beginning and then you can go down each line beginning with
The Sun
Anything
I shouldn't
The word 'that' is completely unnecessary and ugly. Do you see?
Tarnished as all skin turned
Angry as every dream falls empty and burns.
In the last stanza you only need say "Wrong to believe" once at the beginning and then you can go down each line beginning with
The Sun
Anything
I shouldn't
The word 'that' is completely unnecessary and ugly. Do you see?