on some deleted poem
26 Mar 2003, 8:56 PM
what a great poem. I enjoyed it, thanks for writing it.
on the photobooth by Bill Z Bub
9 Apr 2003, 9:47 AM
What on earth could I possibly say?
on All hail Discordia?(a true haiku story) by razorgrin
9 Apr 2003, 10:11 AM
Stick to the truth, it suits you better than humourmous fabrications.10
on Down Lovers Lane by Mr Pig
8 Apr 2003, 9:32 AM
Very sweet, in a good way, but slightly over the top at the start. I have to go marketing right now but wanted to take a look, I'll be back later. I like it, lot's of simile and metaphor, my favorites, welcome back. I think you mean 'window' at the end.
on la vieja loca con los gatos by <~>
7 Apr 2003, 6:26 PM
I think this deserves to be extended a bit. As you say it's about her isolating herself from other humans. Maybe talk about her children/ex-husband/sisters etc? I want to know more about your lady. do you know why she dislikes us so? Could you tell me that? What happened to her? Don't give it away, just give me a little hint, so my imagination can come up with its own scenarios. I think that would work really well with this story.
on Beauty, sleeping by Ranger
4 Apr 2003, 1:16 PM
Stick to the first story, I was so interested. Is it really "bed" be more honest, direct, about this prison. Forget the pheonix, too out-of-context for this fairy-tale. L12-13 is gorgeous. Think about that, follow through. Never, ever speak of yourself in the 3rd person. Well that's an exaggeration, but it usually comes accross as pompous.
Hers was not an apple.
Hers was a jetplane.
A 21st century Icarus.
Wanting to fly
Out of the spell.
Breaking tower glass.
Escaping labyrinths.
She day-dreamed a Prince, spinning
Her hair into a golden ladder
Climbing past her needy mother.
Swinging the windows open.
I attempted a rescue, but the thorns
The thorns got her first,
and after all, I still had a kingdom to manage.
Me and my stallion rode away
and left her to stamp and throw rampion...
You've got to carry through with this story. It's ok you started with Icarus but stay Rapunzel, if you know what I mean. Are you a knowledgeable musician? Do you improvise? It's the same here. You must listen for what sounds right. Sometimes the words don't make sense but the rythmns and the vowels are make up the melody, then the words comes. Just keep doing it. Set high standards for yourself and read, every spare moment. I see promise here.
Hers was not an apple.
Hers was a jetplane.
A 21st century Icarus.
Wanting to fly
Out of the spell.
Breaking tower glass.
Escaping labyrinths.
She day-dreamed a Prince, spinning
Her hair into a golden ladder
Climbing past her needy mother.
Swinging the windows open.
I attempted a rescue, but the thorns
The thorns got her first,
and after all, I still had a kingdom to manage.
Me and my stallion rode away
and left her to stamp and throw rampion...
You've got to carry through with this story. It's ok you started with Icarus but stay Rapunzel, if you know what I mean. Are you a knowledgeable musician? Do you improvise? It's the same here. You must listen for what sounds right. Sometimes the words don't make sense but the rythmns and the vowels are make up the melody, then the words comes. Just keep doing it. Set high standards for yourself and read, every spare moment. I see promise here.
on Day to Day by thepinkbunnyofdoom
2 Apr 2003, 8:58 PM
adjectives & adverbs:
white
gray
darkest
fully
angry
loud
absolutely
clear
troubled(waters of course, what else)
raging
bright
sunny
happy
sunny
Stop watching Nickelodeon and read The Colossus by Slyvia Plath.
I give up, your all abunch of puddin'heads.
white
gray
darkest
fully
angry
loud
absolutely
clear
troubled(waters of course, what else)
raging
bright
sunny
happy
sunny
Stop watching Nickelodeon and read The Colossus by Slyvia Plath.
I give up, your all abunch of puddin'heads.
on some deleted poem
2 Apr 2003, 8:44 PM
What in God's name is going on around here!!!!!????? Quick someone call the CDC! Apparently there's some kind of out od control virus that's attacking the taste and talent of the youth!
Caducus, this poem is awful, truly truly.
You have made no attempt at giving this any sense of mature craft. Everything is a cliche. Don't take this personally, don't get defensive, I sincerely am trying to give some constructive insight. What are you saying? A crows nest in a heart? WHAT IS THAT?
Thoughts entered his mind but he just couldn't face it.
What thoughts, face what?
This is like a stick figure drawing of a man wearing a hat fishing in hole in the ice. I understand the drawing but it's pathetically under-developed.
Who do you admire, poetically? What on earth do you kids read these days? I've seen better literature on the back of a shampoo bottle.
Caducus, this poem is awful, truly truly.
You have made no attempt at giving this any sense of mature craft. Everything is a cliche. Don't take this personally, don't get defensive, I sincerely am trying to give some constructive insight. What are you saying? A crows nest in a heart? WHAT IS THAT?
Thoughts entered his mind but he just couldn't face it.
What thoughts, face what?
This is like a stick figure drawing of a man wearing a hat fishing in hole in the ice. I understand the drawing but it's pathetically under-developed.
Who do you admire, poetically? What on earth do you kids read these days? I've seen better literature on the back of a shampoo bottle.
on Bible Quoting Fag Killer (So it is said) by Blindproject217
2 Apr 2003, 5:37 PM
Dear boy,... I don't even know where to begin. Does Jesus condemn, or does he save? It's not heaven if in the end not everyone gets to go. Jesus gave up his life for the sake of tolerance and love. You don't know what I'm talking about do you?
Either way your poem is simply a rant.
Good luck.
Either way your poem is simply a rant.
Good luck.
on I shot speed by horus8
4 Apr 2003, 1:31 PM
Fuck, how do you do that? I love this thing. 100
on Oxywarmonger by poetandknowit
27 Mar 2003, 8:15 PM
Yo se que eres un poeta, sin argumento. Hay varias palabras y frases que matan cualquier duda de tu dolce dominio del lenguaje.
Gracias por haber lo puesto tan crudo. En este momento es solo lo crudo que puedo entender. Es tan dificil expresar sentimientos nuevos. somos una rasa nueva, moderna. El teror de la guerra, para nosotros, lla no es algo fisico. Lo vivimos emocionalmente, espiritualmente. Cada muerte es una pena y un dolor.
Esta poesia no esta completamente formada, pero lla veo la belleza de su rostro.
Gracias por haber lo puesto tan crudo. En este momento es solo lo crudo que puedo entender. Es tan dificil expresar sentimientos nuevos. somos una rasa nueva, moderna. El teror de la guerra, para nosotros, lla no es algo fisico. Lo vivimos emocionalmente, espiritualmente. Cada muerte es una pena y un dolor.
Esta poesia no esta completamente formada, pero lla veo la belleza de su rostro.
on Mirror to Mirror by Roisin
27 Mar 2003, 8:35 PM
Waiting to die
"Waiting to die"
There is some promise here. Think carefully.
Curled like an autumn leaf
Waiting to die
is a brilliant line. I think I steal it from you, after all, I made it work.
Get rid of closed.
Get rid of in ( i will walk your trail)
"kicking dust up as I go"
What the fuck, this needs a deep cleaning, and I'm not giving anything away for free (anymore).
You know what your talking about but you have no skills.
"Waiting to die"
There is some promise here. Think carefully.
Curled like an autumn leaf
Waiting to die
is a brilliant line. I think I steal it from you, after all, I made it work.
Get rid of closed.
Get rid of in ( i will walk your trail)
"kicking dust up as I go"
What the fuck, this needs a deep cleaning, and I'm not giving anything away for free (anymore).
You know what your talking about but you have no skills.
on some deleted poem
11 Apr 2003, 9:38 PM
Wow, three fantastic poems. You really worked out the flow of conversation. A delight. 10
on hard as a rock by <~>
26 Mar 2003, 2:08 PM
I'm so pig-headed, I don't understand the end. I particulary like the 5th stanza and the way you single her out from the rest of the women.
Vilanelles are so restrictive, I doubt I could ever write even a bad one.
Vilanelles are so restrictive, I doubt I could ever write even a bad one.
on some deleted poem
26 Mar 2003, 8:33 PM
Therapy would do you good. This is uninteresting, even at the end. Especially at the end.
on While mining in Tanzania by Bachus
24 Mar 2003, 11:18 PM
Hey! Ironically I'm looking at the author of this poem right now pace around his house ranting like jesus about current affairs. We are stoned prophets, actually i'm at his house using his new computer and dropping off some wine, and tucking his son in because he feels that his bed time story would have been too tainted. what a nice daddy bachus is. I have a feeling though, if pushed further, he might start a new religion, or colonize uranus.
on the photobooth by Bill Z Bub
11 Apr 2003, 9:18 PM
Belly grabs me, and casket.
Great use of the sound in words.
black & white
stripped, and pinned.
eerie upright...
close, hide, awaken.
the way her eyes darkened.
your words are beautiful. They ring, like a peal bells, or laughter.
Great use of the sound in words.
black & white
stripped, and pinned.
eerie upright...
close, hide, awaken.
the way her eyes darkened.
your words are beautiful. They ring, like a peal bells, or laughter.
on my heart sings a song by elizabethann
26 Mar 2003, 8:27 PM
Are you still a sap?
I'm still a sap.
I'm still a sap.
on Glimpse of hope in time of war by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
28 Mar 2003, 5:45 PM
Fascinating
on the photobooth by Bill Z Bub
9 Apr 2003, 9:49 AM
Except that I have missed you.