on Toute ma Vie by talking_goldfish
17 Apr 2003, 5:55 PM
Very sweet. Somebody kiss me.
Bravo. A pivital work for you. You are always honest, but the simplicity and directness of language here is a new tool, and you wield it with the quiet assurance of a skilled craftsman. I am so happy for this poem, what a gift to leave the world, an unobstructed view into the inner life. THAT, in my opinion, is the most influencial and potent kind of art. To put these kinds of thoughts and emotions out there adds so much to existence. Anyone who reads this will have a new thread of color running through their personal tapestry. It adds texture and one more layer of flavor to the stew. Bravo.
Great first line.
The path is clear, and easy to follow, beginning to end.
The scene with your grandmother on her hospital bed and you playing what ever role neccesary, there's is so much love there.
I just love this poem.
Great first line.
The path is clear, and easy to follow, beginning to end.
The scene with your grandmother on her hospital bed and you playing what ever role neccesary, there's is so much love there.
I just love this poem.
on some deleted poem
25 Apr 2003, 9:52 AM
Great. Now take a look at the small details.
1) Get rid of "They" in lines 2 & 3
2) "A sun"? As far as our perciviable reality goes there is only one sun, so unless you're intent is to point out the existence of other suns, it should read "the sun"
3) "Bastard" is a personification of day, so follow through and use the possessive pronoun his or her, and not its for consistency.
4)"Their howling" Whos? The wools? The servants? Both? Clear this up.
5)Present tense "Comatose" not comatosed.
6) the last line is unclear as to its meaning. Are you asking if their is any poet awake? then ask that. "Is THERE a poet awake" Are you asking is the poet in a state of wakefulness when full of insomniac dreams? Try "filled with". Do you believe a poet is more 'awake' then a non-poet, or less 'awake', lost in the day-dream? that's an interesting question, is that what you are trying to explore.
1) Get rid of "They" in lines 2 & 3
2) "A sun"? As far as our perciviable reality goes there is only one sun, so unless you're intent is to point out the existence of other suns, it should read "the sun"
3) "Bastard" is a personification of day, so follow through and use the possessive pronoun his or her, and not its for consistency.
4)"Their howling" Whos? The wools? The servants? Both? Clear this up.
5)Present tense "Comatose" not comatosed.
6) the last line is unclear as to its meaning. Are you asking if their is any poet awake? then ask that. "Is THERE a poet awake" Are you asking is the poet in a state of wakefulness when full of insomniac dreams? Try "filled with". Do you believe a poet is more 'awake' then a non-poet, or less 'awake', lost in the day-dream? that's an interesting question, is that what you are trying to explore.
on some deleted poem
23 Apr 2003, 4:41 PM
Enfant terrible!
Is it wrong to love naughty children more than model children?
I am forced to change my vote once more as punishment. Though I know the spirit of this intervention will be lost on the likes of you.
Is it wrong to love naughty children more than model children?
I am forced to change my vote once more as punishment. Though I know the spirit of this intervention will be lost on the likes of you.
on some deleted poem
24 Apr 2003, 9:33 AM
Be more precise please. "curmudgeon"? Is that really the word you want?
'A cumulus sky...' is a good line, but than you confuse me by stating the sun is scantly clad. How can it be smothered and naked at the same time?
I love the next for lines, though I don't understand them. They sound fantastic, they have terrific weight, but can you make things clearer? Is it possible?
The last stanza is simply a muddle.
'A cumulus sky...' is a good line, but than you confuse me by stating the sun is scantly clad. How can it be smothered and naked at the same time?
I love the next for lines, though I don't understand them. They sound fantastic, they have terrific weight, but can you make things clearer? Is it possible?
The last stanza is simply a muddle.
on some deleted poem
22 Apr 2003, 5:37 PM
Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Some small confusion of tense at the beginning. I can't put my finger on it, perhaps it's just too unusual. You've taught me something about repetion. You put it to good use.
on Fighting erosion by INTRANSIT
22 Apr 2003, 5:24 PM
I love this poem very much. Last line 3rd stanza feels different than the rest; out-of-place sort of, thou I hate to critize such loveliness. Maybe it just takes some getting use to.
I love saying it. Terrific vowels, and beyond that a strong idea. Good for you! Poems are no more than sketches drawn in sand, an instantaneous view, an instant need to tell.
Funny to think of you, an artist, wiping grease off his hands on a red shop towel. In my mind I see you plaid and baseball cap, grabbing the hand rail and hoisting yourself up to the cab.
I love saying it. Terrific vowels, and beyond that a strong idea. Good for you! Poems are no more than sketches drawn in sand, an instantaneous view, an instant need to tell.
Funny to think of you, an artist, wiping grease off his hands on a red shop towel. In my mind I see you plaid and baseball cap, grabbing the hand rail and hoisting yourself up to the cab.
on some deleted poem
19 Apr 2003, 10:14 AM
Do you have a recipe for Disaster? How about Rasberry Swirl I Scream? Can I envelope your Trifle with my drunken Lady Fingers? Slip your blade into the marmalade.
on this old man (edit) by Bill Z Bub
18 Apr 2003, 2:19 PM
Terrific flow at the beginning. Try to stay with it. Great images; thistle works well I think, for all the obvious reasons. Your going to be a great writer some day, some day soon.
Come to California
I can't see your brown eyes from here.
Mend my sorrow.
Come to California
I can't see your brown eyes from here.
Mend my sorrow.
on some deleted poem
18 Apr 2003, 2:50 PM
You always take me by the hand and lead me to the well. You're really a great writer, the second stanza is perfect, in it's use of sound, of image... you're one of the best, there's no debating it.
on "Mute nostril agony" Titled & inspired by Frass. by Bachus
18 Apr 2003, 2:59 PM
How the fuck do all those ideas find room in your head? You make it look so easy, I'm always stifling myself.
on some deleted poem
17 Apr 2003, 10:34 AM
This must be a thinking poem. A gem of extistential reflection. Or maybe you're just a dolt.
on Loaded with Clichés by Blindproject217
17 Apr 2003, 6:03 PM
Get rid of the parenthetical. You touch on truth, now just go.
on Flash of Light by Todd
14 Apr 2003, 2:56 PM
What, exactly, did you see??? What does your poem talk about???
In a sudden flash of lightning I realized there is a heaven.
How? Why? Explain yourself. Not in the comments, but in the poem.
Glimpse the wonder of letting your imagination come up with some scenarios.
In a sudden flash of lightning I realized there is a heaven.
How? Why? Explain yourself. Not in the comments, but in the poem.
Glimpse the wonder of letting your imagination come up with some scenarios.
on Barometric pressure & true love (The prince of storms) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
15 Apr 2003, 2:01 PM
World Class. Strong from beginning to end. All that hard work has paid off. Mr. Vilanelle, good job with the close-up. Cut. Print.
This poem is fucking beautiful. Thanks for the soul-kiss. I'm feeling better for it.
This poem is fucking beautiful. Thanks for the soul-kiss. I'm feeling better for it.
Terrific structure, just needs fleshing out. Give me your personal story.
"The flower...to be."
What causes the flower to die? Exactly, tell me. Is the seed never planted? Does it die of thirst? Take me to your childhood, I want to see it, walk it's streets with you. I want to see what you saw as a child. Can you give me that?
I think your an interesting person. I bet you can tell an interesting story.
What crash?
What failure?
what suggestion?
Details, dress the story with the personality of the writer. The writer's personality, or sometimes the stories personality, is the only orginal thing a writer has to give. Details give excitement, interest.
"The flower...to be."
What causes the flower to die? Exactly, tell me. Is the seed never planted? Does it die of thirst? Take me to your childhood, I want to see it, walk it's streets with you. I want to see what you saw as a child. Can you give me that?
I think your an interesting person. I bet you can tell an interesting story.
What crash?
What failure?
what suggestion?
Details, dress the story with the personality of the writer. The writer's personality, or sometimes the stories personality, is the only orginal thing a writer has to give. Details give excitement, interest.
on some deleted poem
11 Apr 2003, 10:03 PM
Oh, and the exclamation was such a perfect fit, it made me laugh and respect you. Cheers.
on OK, I apologize - it's steaming shite and no mistake, but it was the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment. I'm off to slit my wrists now, since writer's block has sent me spiralling into the depths of the deepest depression in human history... by Yardbird
11 Apr 2003, 10:11 PM
My writing sucks.
on OK, I apologize - it's steaming shite and no mistake, but it was the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment. I'm off to slit my wrists now, since writer's block has sent me spiralling into the depths of the deepest depression in human history... by Yardbird
11 Apr 2003, 10:09 PM
Haha hohohohohohoho.....heheheheheee.
That was great!
That was great!
on some deleted poem
20 Apr 2003, 1:19 PM
Why is it genius always disguises itself in cruelty?
Answer me that. Changing my vote, to better reflect your IQ.
Answer me that. Changing my vote, to better reflect your IQ.