Free verse № 43100
this old man (edit)
Grimey, like a shuffle in the downtown sludge, open bardoors breathing the stink of liquor and piss
and old men, their pockmarked skin flaking hopeless desire.
this old man,
thistle man,
throws down the brown paper bag
filled with smashed sterile bones of glass,
and rubs his hands,
his empty hands.
he croaks,
points prideful gnarled knuckles at the line-walkers
passing above.
snatches the black woolen cap
from his lap.
he won't move til he's ready,
this thistle
grown from concrete and asphalt,
prickly and dried,
weathered in a barrel
for life.
18 comments
'couse, you could always take it from me: how 'bout "and rubs his emptied hands"
my beef is that I get the impression you want to celebrate some aspect of your old man, but you caricature (is caricature allowed to be a verb, or do I have to -ize it?) him too strongly for the celebration to have impact. If you follow what I mean.
Canuckistan? I turn at the drowning pines, right?
You evil, evil, man.
I'm still trying to figure out how to work in "nick-knack paddywhack" and "this old man came rolling home". :-)
some comments on yer pome:
"surreptitiously. "
too long/bland/erudite a word for this poem. it doesn't fit the gist of it. you're all about the things the simple and the simply arrogant want hhere--and besides, they are obvious in their avoidance, are they not? so why the word, bub? it confuses the issue.
"prideful gnarled knuckles at the line-walkers
passing above*,*
snatch*es* the black woolen cap
from his lap. "
i know you're all about the grammar, so i thought i'd throw that at you.
that being said, i like this very much.
but your ending makes him a plant and not a man; by steailing his mobility, you steal his humanity. if by 'barrel' you mean to infer his thirst for the 80 proof, it does not work here..
ta,
z
And yes, it should be "snatches" for sure.
ciao, bella.
And S-1 old men/this old man/thisle man. You know me, less is more where I come from. lose one i think.
Other than that eees guut,yah.
Come to California
I can't see your brown eyes from here.
Mend my sorrow.
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