on DESERVING NOTHING MORE THAN LONLYNESS by LETO
20 Dec 2002, 9:11 AM
Fixing the grammer and the typos would be like giving Quasimoto hearing-aids. He'd be better off, but still very very ugly.
on some deleted poem
19 Dec 2002, 2:26 PM
What happened to my comment?
on of people and places (final cut)I by INTRANSIT
19 Dec 2002, 3:30 AM
Lovely. Get rid of the last 2 lines in the first stanza. I love your poem. i posted just for you.
on some deleted poem
22 Dec 2002, 11:10 AM
Dan garcia-Black should take up writing short stories. Was that you driving the tractor down Fairfax just outside Canter's? Pick me up a prune danish please.
on Splendid Discovery by blkarakagain
22 Dec 2002, 11:22 AM
This is dreadfully over the top. What ever beauty may be here is lost among the gawdy weeds. "More vibrant than the cascadings hues of dementia"?! What the...? Vibrant dementia? Cascading dementia? Hues of dementia? At this point it seems you just love to hear yourself talk. "Unchecked by the plague of human frailty"? Unchecked by sense you mean. And it's not even finished you have accomplished saying abosulety nothing in more words then I thought possible. I met a girl she was beuatiful, we slept together and I got scared. I ran away I hope she comes to me because I don't have the balls to go back to her. Spit it out already, it seems to have poisoned you.
on some deleted poem
21 Dec 2002, 11:48 AM
I get the feeling your one of those writers who doesn't start with a pile and then has to sort it out. The 'born writer' am I right? My only criticism here is the use of retreat twice. you have the wave retreating, can't it just carry your image, or steal your images, or wash away your image?
As each wave retreats
My image is carried out to sea
I am fading into the waters
I know you have the talent do develop the image better. A strong poem, as usual.
As each wave retreats
My image is carried out to sea
I am fading into the waters
I know you have the talent do develop the image better. A strong poem, as usual.
on some deleted poem
20 Dec 2002, 8:45 PM
Deeeeeeelish-us! The 4th stanza is a happy wonderful thing.
on some deleted poem
20 Dec 2002, 9:30 AM
Has potential, but still very young. I'm glad to see you writing more personally, keep reeling it in.
on some deleted poem
20 Dec 2002, 10:22 AM
This is it. This is the key that will unlock it for you. Go backt o this and paint the picture. Tell me about the day your dad taught how to ride. I want to know every detail, as much as you can remember. Go back there again and again. If you can use his words his language, how did he fix you? What would he say to you? Also try making your points less casually, for example the last four lines in the last stanza: January frost reveals your face- in diamond gleams.- goodnight Dad- Sweet dreams.
on The Lordy only knows why tornados have no nose by Bachus
19 Dec 2002, 3:05 PM
Errr, looses everything in the translation.
on UltraSound by UnityMitford
19 Dec 2002, 1:53 PM
I don't get it. Great title.
on fa11ing by Bill Z Bub
19 Dec 2002, 2:04 PM
Could it be 'just before the fall'? This is the best thing I've seen so far besides Tori's 'I can't see New York'. Your masculinity always comes through in your poems, dustchoked and mangled. Glistening is a strong hopefilled word. You have tremendous promise. If I could give you a gift, it would be all the right accidents.
on no cure by New Life Drug
19 Dec 2002, 3:17 AM
Forget selfess, that's not in question. Will you be selfish? That's what everybody wants to know, especially you.
on joyriding by Bill Z Bub
19 Dec 2002, 3:12 AM
'Your skeptical chin
once brought down religion
in morning's first class
fomenting rebellion
behind bullet-proof glass.'
once brought down religion
in morning's first class
fomenting rebellion
behind bullet-proof glass.'
on some deleted poem
17 Dec 2002, 3:04 PM
Bare-bones saddness. Ouch. Why must there always be a sacrifice?
on some deleted poem
17 Dec 2002, 2:44 PM
This is certainly a mixed bag. I like your use of the word fiction, and some other small things, but overall it really needs to be tailored.
on I Can Write A Wrong, But I Can't Right A Poem by horus8
17 Dec 2002, 2:34 PM
I have to bring you my copy of PLAY WITHOUT A TITLE by GarciaLorca. Don't let me forget. You always know how.
on Misplaced admoration by deep-as-a-puddle
17 Dec 2002, 2:29 PM
Your poem has been fataly wounded by rhyme.