replying on The Chamber by nothingtoanyone
14 Jun 2004, 7:13 PM
It's like a handsome boy who never bathes and wears high-water pants; no matter what, he's always just as beautiful as ever. But if a boy's so-so he's got to look his best, or he'll be thought of as a loser. Your poem's not good enough to take the rules for granted.
on Love by pshah4life
12 Jun 2004, 6:58 PM
Shut up.
on Of Absinthe and Asphalt by pain killer
12 Jun 2004, 6:53 PM
What a complete bore you are.
replying on The Businessman by abcmonkey78
12 Jun 2004, 6:49 PM
Did your instructor shoot himself, or just throw-up?
on Visions Divulge by thing1
12 Jun 2004, 6:36 PM
Schizophrenia deluxe.
on The Chamber by nothingtoanyone
12 Jun 2004, 6:32 PM
Are you mis-spelling all those words on purpose? Not to mention the lack of grammar.
on fire has its own logic by impert&ent
11 Jun 2004, 8:39 PM
There's something innocent and frail about this poem, probably the honesty and use of everyday words. Lovely, your poem. She's got a few problems but they're small. Is this a first edit?
replying on The Ocean Prefers A Sunset by wilco
11 Jun 2004, 8:20 PM
Much. some redundances you really should keep an eye out for:
'dancing waltzes...' the waltzes suggests dancing already, you might consider leaving the dancing out, helps with the flow of the image.
'and hoping for an evening rain to fall' Rain falls, everybody knows that so again, you could make things prettier by leaving '...to fall' out of it. Small little things make all the difference. Like Nanas embroidered napkin tucked under the silverware, or cleaning the mirror in the bathroom.
I love the second stanza, the relationship between birth and death. Try not to use 'her' twice in one sentence if you can help it. the her in the final sentence is uncertain, which girl are you longing for? That last sentence could use 'She' at the beginning.
Real good. Nice job.
'dancing waltzes...' the waltzes suggests dancing already, you might consider leaving the dancing out, helps with the flow of the image.
'and hoping for an evening rain to fall' Rain falls, everybody knows that so again, you could make things prettier by leaving '...to fall' out of it. Small little things make all the difference. Like Nanas embroidered napkin tucked under the silverware, or cleaning the mirror in the bathroom.
I love the second stanza, the relationship between birth and death. Try not to use 'her' twice in one sentence if you can help it. the her in the final sentence is uncertain, which girl are you longing for? That last sentence could use 'She' at the beginning.
Real good. Nice job.
on A Strenuous Recollection by Doug
11 Jun 2004, 7:50 PM
What can I say you're like so totally awesome. i f I lived next door to you I'd spend the whole day pining at the kitchen window, waiting for you to walk out the front door, then I'd 'conveniently(teehee) step outside just hoping maybe you'd notice the new hip-huggers I bought at Nordstroms with the 80 bucks I save up from my allowance the birthday money!
It must be great to be you.
Nice use of torper, and lassitude.
It must be great to be you.
Nice use of torper, and lassitude.
on The Gray Idea by Doug
11 Jun 2004, 7:38 PM
wow, this is amazing!!!
'Struggling...strangled by hands of chance(and clocks)'
You're so insightful, you know, you really have your thumb on the pulse of life.
I especially like the way you capitalized Fate and Time, really drives the message home.
Welcome to poemranker! :)
'Struggling...strangled by hands of chance(and clocks)'
You're so insightful, you know, you really have your thumb on the pulse of life.
I especially like the way you capitalized Fate and Time, really drives the message home.
Welcome to poemranker! :)
on First Kiss by david
11 Jun 2004, 12:44 PM
Nice poem.
I read this aloud 5 times and it seems to me the '...fishbowl...' line doesn't belong, it takes away from the image you've created. It's a good line, but sometimes we have to toss the good ones away, or save them for some better use. I think if you end the stanza at '... years' it works better. Then begin a new stanza with 'It...'.
I prefer '...a clay pot.' to '...her clay pot.'.
Since you title the poem 1st Kiss don't you think '...kiss' at the end of the penultimate line works better?
the last line is grammatically confusing. As written you could be saying the kisses left them with a craving for decades. Is that what you meant to say? If not try saying
...................., the kiss
That left, for decades, its taste in their mouthes.
I read this aloud 5 times and it seems to me the '...fishbowl...' line doesn't belong, it takes away from the image you've created. It's a good line, but sometimes we have to toss the good ones away, or save them for some better use. I think if you end the stanza at '... years' it works better. Then begin a new stanza with 'It...'.
I prefer '...a clay pot.' to '...her clay pot.'.
Since you title the poem 1st Kiss don't you think '...kiss' at the end of the penultimate line works better?
the last line is grammatically confusing. As written you could be saying the kisses left them with a craving for decades. Is that what you meant to say? If not try saying
...................., the kiss
That left, for decades, its taste in their mouthes.
on sweet surrender by francis nor capule
11 Jun 2004, 8:57 AM
How is this a poem? Are you a mental retard?
on my unicorn by francis nor capule
11 Jun 2004, 8:50 AM
Good gravy twice.
on A Wishful Way Of Life by Blindpoetry
11 Jun 2004, 8:48 AM
Very interesting structure. Cold and analytical. Chose better words.
on The Ocean Prefers A Sunset by wilco
11 Jun 2004, 8:38 AM
'...seems to me.' is simply awful.
'I'M standing on the shoreline...' I don't mean to dismiss her I think is very insightful, could be read many ways.
'I'M standing on the shoreline...' I don't mean to dismiss her I think is very insightful, could be read many ways.
on Even manic dreamers must face Atropos by SupremeDreamer
11 Jun 2004, 8:33 AM
'When one knows the truth it's easy to lie' Nice. You should work on this, it could be great.
on A life unsure by sliver
10 Jun 2004, 6:23 PM
1. You never tell us who he is, in relationship to you or the world. 0
2. What is the ambrosia, the fear, the roses? 0
3. Designate what? 0
4. Drifting where? 0
5. Retrospect? So far there's nothing to look at backwards or forwards. 0
6. His agility was found by what act? 0
etc. etc. etc...
Everything in this poem is completely vague, how can the audience relate to or feel the emotion of something without emotion. Can you tell me what the emotion is in this poem? No, I didn't think so. I don't have time to keep repeating myself over and over again when I read a poem that's completely in trouble. Take a class, pay someone to help you, or read books on writing poetry. Nothing in your work is clear or dramatic. You show terrible taste in your choice of words. Personally, I honestly don't think you'll ever be any good at writing poetry. Poets are born not made. You can improve, but only so far. You're poetically tone deaf.
there are you happy now?
2. What is the ambrosia, the fear, the roses? 0
3. Designate what? 0
4. Drifting where? 0
5. Retrospect? So far there's nothing to look at backwards or forwards. 0
6. His agility was found by what act? 0
etc. etc. etc...
Everything in this poem is completely vague, how can the audience relate to or feel the emotion of something without emotion. Can you tell me what the emotion is in this poem? No, I didn't think so. I don't have time to keep repeating myself over and over again when I read a poem that's completely in trouble. Take a class, pay someone to help you, or read books on writing poetry. Nothing in your work is clear or dramatic. You show terrible taste in your choice of words. Personally, I honestly don't think you'll ever be any good at writing poetry. Poets are born not made. You can improve, but only so far. You're poetically tone deaf.
there are you happy now?
on Of Painting by thepinkbunnyofdoom
10 Jun 2004, 12:47 PM
Nice poem. You don't need to ask that rhetorical question, it's childish and ineffective.
It truly is a masterpiece
Of criticism.
Your painting?
Your painting looks like shit...
It truly is a masterpiece
Of criticism.
Your painting?
Your painting looks like shit...