Re: a comment on Ducks With AIDs (a feeble attempt of something different) by Blindpoetry	7-Feb-04/8:24 AM
"User can post new poetry" - show us.
Re: a comment on "In the Air" by SmittenKitten	7-Feb-04/8:23 AM
I take back the make-it-all-not-rhyme part. I like some of the internal rhyme which I didn't catch at first.
Re: "In the Air" by SmittenKitten	7-Feb-04/8:21 AM
1) Not an Ode. 2) If we were ever for some reason to quote from this poem, then we would put the title in quotation marks. You don't. Quotation marks "dont" signify "emphasis", "boldface", or "italics". 2) Why don't you punctuate, or capitalize I's? Is it because it's easier? Do you think we want to read something you haven't put effort into? (also, can't is a contraction for cannot. Cant is what poetry without punctuation usually is.) 3) The way it slips into and out of rhyme is weird. Make it all not rhyme. Then you can say what you want instead of what rhymes. 4) It's cool in a Sunday youth-group folk-rock song sort of way how the "in the air" theme ends with "Lord in the skies." Not my taste, but probably somebody's. I hope you make these corrections. We get a lot of Lord-hold-my-hand poems here that are much worse.
Re: Swiftly by darkshark	7-Feb-04/8:09 AM
You might consider another word for 'brook', since (here, at least) you can cross a brook in something like two steps. It makes the 'one step at a time' part a sound little overwrought. Ditto for the shallow parts where rocks poke out of the water. If there are rocks poking out then why are they 'wading'? They could just step on the rocks that are poking out. It being a brook, they wouldn't need more than two rocks, maybe. And while I'm at it, it's not exactly clear why they're risking freezing water to cross this brook anyway. It's not really a casual thing to cross a near-freezing river. You might add a one-line explanation: "Coming back to camp," or some such. On the whole, the writing is good. You need to punctuate, and in lines like the rocks that 'poke' out of the water, you might consider better more poetic words. Write back if you can't think of any. Tchuss.
Re: Go Figure by MacFrantic	6-Feb-04/9:19 AM
You Shouldn't Oughtn't Mightn't Try Because you Can't. So don't. Cant. -0-
Re: rather not high jump every 20 minutes, well maybe o.k. by A. Nomaly	6-Feb-04/7:22 AM
Were you interrupted while writing this (prhaps by one of the eponymous high-jumps)? What you have is rather good in a fitter-happier sort of way, but it breaks off really, really abruptly and unsatisfyingly. So we dont necessarily read poetry to be satisfied, you say. Buncombe, I say. -8-
Re: a comment on Monday by betty swallox	6-Feb-04/5:24 AM
Presumptuous ass?
Re: a comment on Duck - an ode by zodiac	5-Feb-04/9:17 PM
I'm afraid I wasn't very up to the topic, the duck only metaphorically having AIDS (which is certainly cheating) and there no being mighty armada of ducks led by Sir Drake himself against perpetrators of injustice on ducks everywhere. You must feel pretty disappointed so far. But I am only a messenger, sent to bring word of a better duck poetry to come, a colossal messianic duck poem whose slitted ankles (or wrists) I am not fit to gaze upon. Repent! Cover ye with sackcloth and beat ye with chains, for that glorious purging day is nigh! Why don't you email me? captain_zodiac@hotmail.com.
Re: a comment on Monday by betty swallox	5-Feb-04/9:11 PM
Shuushin, stop hitting random. These posts are two years old. Their posters have long since left the site.
Re: Let's Let the Flies In, Thomas by NanceXToo	5-Feb-04/6:53 PM
For the line, "Well, it's the Tannenbaum's lawn now", I'd suggest getting rid of 'well' and 'it's' and the parenthesis, which make it chatty in a way that bugs me here. In fact, that whole stanza is unnecessary. It adds nothing, but allows a couple of cheap lines to creep in (see lastobelus's note). The next stanza too, could be pared down, the lines shortened and tightened up. You could characterize Jackie in one short line (I see clacking bracelets somehow) and that would help a lot. I know you're trying to keep a breezy chatty style, and I know why. But I think it hurts. The language could be familiar and still poetic. The last stanza powerhouse. It's too strong to come after the rest. You should let it (and st.1) set the tone and voice for the middle. That's about all I can think of. And yes, I got your email.
Re: a comment on Gardener by lastobelus	5-Feb-04/6:44 PM
I like the si.l5 thing. Either one is fine. Heaney's serviceable - could be better; but he sure knows quiet. I think quiet is as underexploited in poetry as melodrama is overexploited. Speaking of quiet, I finally got to watch Lost in Translation with my wife. It's got to be the quietest movie made since movie's started having sound. And it's easily in the top 5 movies I've seen in the last couple of years. My wife thinks so too. She about orgasms for Scarlett Johanssen.
Re: a comment on Duck - an ode by zodiac	5-Feb-04/6:36 PM
"I'm starting a publishing company, and I'd be interested in publishing" - will you wait and publish me posthumously? it's better for both of us that way.
Re: a comment on Something's gone wrong by zodiac	5-Feb-04/3:47 PM
You have an uncanny insight into the minds of assistant producers. And if I change it, rockmage will probably up his vote. Hmmm...
Re: a comment on Nina Simone (part one) by zodiac	5-Feb-04/3:22 PM
Nance: sure.
Re: a comment on Nina Simone (part one) by zodiac	5-Feb-04/3:11 PM
Nance: Sure I'd be interested. Do I have to pay?
Re: a comment on Something's gone wrong by zodiac	5-Feb-04/2:51 PM
Cute -0- Shuushin. Also cute how thanks to Jeremi you're 8 out of the top 10.
Re: a comment on Duck - an ode by zodiac	5-Feb-04/2:42 PM
Not up to par?! This is the best (or maybe second best) thing I've written ever, not to mention that I've posted on this site! And the rhyme, as they say, is fuckin ace! I haven't been cocky in my self-promotion here, but Jesus - I'd just like to see you make more than a one-line commentary on this. Where should one word of this have been changed? Where could another idea be crammed in?? I spent a whole drunk morning caressing this to orgasm. You gave "Something's gone wrong" a 9 and this an 8??? I really hope you come back to it after making your rounds. And see that -=DA=- doesn't catch you on your way. He digs the uniform.
Re: Gardener by lastobelus	5-Feb-04/2:34 PM
You HAVE been reading Heaney! This is good. I don't mean it's good because it's Heaney or vice versa. It stands by itself, carries off the influence well, and has some memorable images. My one quibble: I would add something to "the sky touches the brim of my hat" to make the diction a little alien or arresting, so people don't gloss over it, which is what I see happening. As cheesy as it sounds, if you said something like "the sky touches on the brim of my hat" or perhaps even 'to', I think it would work. If you wonder about the 9, it's cause I don't think there's the density of idea and imagery here that you have in some of your others. That's a quibble and a personal thing, but as Shuushin would say, at least I didn't give you a zero.
Re: a comment on Nina Simone (part one) by zodiac	5-Feb-04/1:20 PM
"You ignored my email though" - I don't know what email you're talking about. Thanks for the praise. And be cool about -=Dark_Angel=-. He's one of the best writers here.
Re: La Belle Epoque by andrewjthomas	5-Feb-04/11:21 AM
"I thought about my the rapist." Is there a word missing here? "in this flying hunk of steel." - ehhh... "And still the Rezidence" - I'd drop the 'And'. "the futility of you." - there's a better, more original word that 'you'. "feeling like a stranger in a strange land" - don't say that. Say it originally. "gotten off my ass" - ehhh... "unspoken streets" - more like unspeaking (to Americans anyway) "walked near your job" - are you trying to avoid saying that it was a Starbucks? That's usually the case with that phrasing. Make something up better than job. All good confessional poets do. "And finally the awkward moment of nudity" - that's an awkward moment of transition. "buffoon" - ehhh... "anal" - ditto... Whew! The crazy thing is that I had almost exactly the same experience in France and Germany once, except that it ended so much worse. You have no idea. The thing you did with the first part works in some places but mostly not in others. I don't know if you were trying to follow my suggestion, but I would have been happier I think leaving the lines whole and just breaking them into stanzas, like: I think of you as I would any self-made image: (break) I was sitting there in the international terminal, waiting for my flight to Munich, anticipating our rendezvous, and watching Annie Hall. (break) I seem to have established a fondness for Woody Allen, but I'm thinking I'm too young to appreciate him. (and so on. keep the stanza breaks you have and number or mark them somehow.) The end is really dense-looking still. Is it that you just haven't redone the last half yet? It looks scary. Poetry readers like to see more white on a page than black, I've learned. Anyway, I'm witholding my vote for another revise.